Dating after WLS: when do you tell the person you're dating?

As a follow up, I'd like to know HOW and WHEN people have told the individuals they've dated. I had laparoscopic RNY, so certainly once we are intimate, there will be the matter of explaining the scars. But I'd like to make the disclosure before then, since I think that physical intimacy requires emotional intimacy (which would include telling her about the surgery). Would love any advice people may have.

Hi :-)
I asked this same question when I started dating my current gf. We started dating about 7-8 months post op. We were going on a nice long walk through one of our parks here in upstate NY and she had mentioned she was getting a little hungry and where did I want to go to dinner.  I figured since we were talking about food, this was the pefect time. I said it really doesn't matter to me anywhere that I can get a grilled piece of chicken or small side salad. She looked at me and asked if that's what I felt like and I said well kind of, and said I had gastric bypass surgery back in November and portion sizes for me are small and there are certain things I can and can't eat. She asked some questions, that I answered and now she knows my new lifestyle as well as I do :-) Good luck and I am sure it will turn out fine, everyone I have told are mainly just curious about things I can and can't eat....

 Hi Erin,

Thanks for this. I guess part of the problem is that I started dating too soon post-op (2 months). And now we've already had dinner together several times, and I've just been a little weird about things (ordering a little and not finishing my food when we order separately, not eating my share when we order share food). It looks like I just have an eating disorder, and since I'm a little (a lot) more girly than she is, it could be read as just being girly. I think a lot of the worry is all in my head: I've dated so many anorexics that think that being overweight is a character flaw. And even though she seems awesome, I'm worried that she'll be the same.

This question comes up alot so if you go back farther on the board you will find more answers.

I think just being upfront. I don't really tell anyone unless I am getting pretty close with them...I really don't think my scars are very visable (I couldn't figure out what one of them was one time!-duh!), but I had ps and those scars are pretty obvious at times.

It is like alot of things in the dating world...some one might be accepting, some might not. I have had a few women diss me for eating meat, and I just break it off then...figuring that if they are judging me for that without knowing me or what my body needs. Sometimes the vegans can be sort of high and mighty (sorry vegans out there!).

Bottom line, everyone has body and emotional issues...just be aware of yours and at some point...hopefully you will find a match or two!!

deb366

I would say it on the first date! It should be something you are proud of any way ...I highly doubt any normal person would be like "I don't want to date you now"...it's not like it's a gross thing or something. As far as scars go ...I'm almost 3 years post op and you can't even see mine, they are a VERY light pink.

I totally agree with you 100%. My issue is not my scars or the surgery itself...it's my loose excess skin! But, I really do believe in being upfront and honest from day one!

Thanks for all the feedback. Obviously too late to say something on the first date, since we've had six now. And I don't have loose skin and the scars are pretty small (I mean, you can tell there's something there, but they're not prominent). I just need to say something to her. At the end of the day, if you don't trust someone enough to tell that person about the surgery, you shouldn't be involved, right?

I told her, finally. A week ago. And she was really great about it; no judgment, she just thought it was very brave. Not a lot of questions, more concern about me and the strain that surgery puts on the body. Of course, we may not be dating anymore, but that's another story, involving me pushing too soon to see exactly where we stood. And this is BEFORE I told her about the surgery. Cart, meet horse. We're still seeing each other, I just don't know whether we're going to be "seeing each other."

But I do agree with the posters who advocate waiting, making sure this is someone you can trust. I don't just tell random people I meet on the street, so why tell someone after one date? It's not an issue of shame, just being self-protective. I could have trusted her to tell her a little sooner, but other than that, I think the disclosure was just right.