Divorce Rate and Our Relationships

So, I am supposed to be getting my guts rearranged in the next 2-5 months and while I have been hardcore studying the vitamins, post-op diets, psychological aftermath, etc., I have kind of taken the relationship part for granted. Today, I have been reading about the 60-80% divorce/break up rate among WLS patients within the first three years. WHOA!

Here's my story: I am still a newlywed. My amazing wife and I married in September. Last May, I moved to Sweden to be with her after a three year long distance relationship with many trips across the world. She is my best friend, my favorite person on the planet and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Every day when I see her, she takes my breath away. I swear, I could watch her sleep (and have...lol.) My friends have joked that Angelina Jolie and Sara Ramirez, my celebrity crushes, lost all their beauty the day I met my wife. Maybe not ALL of it, but in my eyes, they pale in comparison. For SOME damn reason, she feels the exact same about me. No one makes us laugh like each other. People who know us have said we're proof that soul mates exist. We're 35 (me) and 31 now and agree that finding each other was well worth the wait. The idea of losing my wife paralyzes me. She loves me exactly as I am. I am trying to take off the weight so we can be crazy old ladies sitting in rocking chairs together and also so I can have a healthy baby. If it meant losing her, I would scrap the whole thing and we would look into other parenting options.

So, do you think our (meaning same sex couples) relationships are different than straight couples when it comes to these statistics? It seems like the overwhelming opinion is that relationships that fall apart are not healthy to begin with. I have read that many obese people tend to settle for "what they can get" and when the weight is gone, they look for better options. Jealousy also seems to be a trend. I feel like our relationships are unique, so we may not be effected the same. Do you think that the fact that most of us have to fight harder to be together means we're less likely to fall apart? What are your opinions and experiences?

I am 2.5 years out from gastric bypass and my relationship is more healthy than prior to surgery.  Our relationship started out long-distance like yours.  We've lived together for 5 years with many non-weight challenges (long commutes, moves, stressful jobs, family deaths).  My recent plastic surgery was actually more trying than weight loss surgery.  It seems as long as you have open communication and no real problems prior to surgery, everything only gets better.  I've found that my reduced levels of anxiety and social stress have improved our play time and lack of pain made home more comfortable.

Meg

Thank you! That's very comforting to hear. We had a long talk about my fears and went over all the major reasons post-WLS surgery break ups happen. We don't fall into any of the obvious ones. I hope for us it will also make us stronger. We can go out and do more together! I want her to teach me to ski!

Thanks again for the response.

Nope. Same sex couples aren't any different!! I've seen several relationships/marriages end just from members here in this group. And other relationships have grown stronger.

For us ...it's a constant battle. And that is the honest truth of my relationship. We both had weight loss surgery and she lost way more than me and now I'm a bitter ***** because of it. She knows I am hurt by it and has said she wishes she never had the surgery but I;m still glad she did because we enjoy life now and doing things we couldn't do before. But I still get mad that my weight loss wasn't as perfect as hers was. I don't think we'll break up because of it ...but I also can't say where we'll be a year from now. So for now I'm taking it day by day.

I believe that since we work harder on our relationships we also have better communication.  We've discussed everything before surgery (fears included) and now that I'm 9 days out we're still talking about everything.   Jealousy  well we've talked about it and I do feel that this still an unresolved issue.  We're gonna work on it and see what happens. 

Congrats on your marriage.  Good luck on your surgery.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy

I don't think they are necessarily different. In some ways for many same sex couples who live where marriage is not legal, it is much easier to just end it and walk out.

My impression has been that most of the couples who break up after WLS had problems long before the surgery. Lots of the posts talk about how they weren't happy for a long time, or they were tired of being treated poorly, or that the marriage ended long before the surgery but the person who had the surgery is now self-confident enough to end the relationship.

I think of it this way (and I apologize in advance if this image seems inappropriate with current events but I assure you that I have thought about it this way for a very long time since I used to live in San Francisco and I really think it fits.) WLS is like an act of nature (an earthquake, fire, flood, etc.) It changes everything is a very short period of time. And relationships are like houses. The strong well-built ones usually survive. The weak ones fall down.

Like houses, many of the weak relationships only have defects inside that no one outside can see, but those defects are still there weakening the structure. As long as nothing happens, they just continue to seem fine. Especially unlikely to survive acts of nature are those buildings with bad foundations or that are built on unsolid ground. And buildings that are very rigid and unreenforced, like brick buildings, have trouble withstanding the shock. Buildings that can move and sway, like those that are structurally solidly, made of wood or are on rollers, sway with the shock and are likely to survive.

The impact of WLS comes very quickly like an act of nature. I am only 7 months out, and the person I was in July seems so foreign to me. Many, many things will change for you after WLS. You will have more energy, you will be healthier, you will eat differently, and many other things you can't predict. You may become more assertive, more secure, and less afraid of change.

Most of those changes will be in you, and your wife will come along for the ride. If your relationship is built on the right foundation and on solid ground without a lot of big structural defects, you are likely to survive and even thrive. Even if there are small structural problems, you will work on them, fix things and make the relationship stronger than before. Many of the relationships that survive also seem to improve and grow with the experience.

It sounds like you have a strong, genuine relationship. That is really important in surviving WLS as a couple. If problems exist or arise, address them quickly so that they don't get out of proportion. My guess is that you will do well as a couple. You sound like you are on a strong foundation which is the best start that you can have together in this journey.

very well said, cow&bean!

Amber, I wish you and your wife all the best in your journey...It sounds like you have already overcome many obstacles. I don't have any experience in this area since my partner and I broke up right after my surgery,(long story-not related to WLS). But I will say that some other relationships were impacted by it, primarily when the other person has their own weight issues and then jealousy comes up. My sisters, who I love and vice versa) have weight issues and I know it has been difficult for them, and even some of my close friends. At some point you both will need to deal with weight issues if you have them.

You will have emotional and physical ups and downs in the process. I believe that real love, love and acceptance of yourself and that being loving to your partner and seeking outside help when needed is important. You have love, sounds like you have committment. I wish you both the best and make sure you let us know how it goes. I really would like to hear a happy ending!!

deb366

 I am just so thankful to have found this board!  Thanks for the input, guys.  I will absolutely keep you informed.  



This is our wedding photo:






She's perfectly adorable. I could use some work.

WOW!  You 2 are beautiful!  Sounds like you have a solid foundation of love between you.  And you have overcome some significant hurdles to make this marriage work (familly issues and hello... living in another country!)  Ya... you'll be fine.  Cow&Bean said it very well.  Just make sure that your foundation is solid and that your communication is ongoing and continues to open up.  Be honest about your feelings with each other.

My fiance and I broke up 36 hrs before my WLS.  It broke my heart.  But she was freaking out and ran with fear.  A couple months later, we started talking again and worked through all of that.  Then another few months and we were back together and then she proposed to me.  Oh... and we were a long distance relationship too.  I live in N. Cali and she lived in Portland, OR.  Now she's down here and well... you know the rest.

I wish you and your wife the very best, Amber.  Much love from Cali!