need help brothers & sisters

I 'm queer and have been married for 16 1/2 years.

Okay...I had the surgery a little over a year ago...I'm 10-15 lbs away from my goal weight. My spouse is so sensitive about anything I say...I am not exagerating.  If I say something like rub budda's belly...I am NOT talking aobut her belly!   All hell breaks loose!  Because I am what being insensitive?  Holy, crap I am not calling my spouse fat!  i am saying rub budda's belly for luck!  I have done nothing to make my spouse think of me as anything, but faithfull and loyal.  I feel as though I walk on egg shells for fear of saying anything that might make her upset.  I can' t handle the silent treatments and the pitty me crap any longer. 

She doen't want the surgery even though she could benefit.  I support her decesion.  She exercises 4-5 days a week and is a type 2 diabetic.  She has at least 75 lbs to loose.  She is 64, but looks 54 easily.  she loves salt and I know she sneaks potato chips, but I don't say 1 word about it....nerver! 

i know it's a personal journey and one has to make their own mind up for them selves.  

I'm venting here...because I would NEVER say anything to our friends or family...that is not fair to her.  I am tired of the silent treatments, the anger, the resentments, being afraid of anything that may pop out of my mouth.  I feel like talking valium or something so that i am a zombie and nothing will come out of my mouth.  

Crikey!!!!   People have told me that it would be hard on spouses, but I thought we could make it through because i trully do not care if she is fat or skinny.  I only ask that she takes her vitamins, exercises and eats right to control her diabeties....

Whew...I feel a little calmer for venting...  

Hey Cheryl.

First of all, congrats on your weight loss succes and for 16.5 yrs being married to your wife.  That's awesome!  Secondly, you are not alone.  It is very common for a marriage or primary relationship to be strained when one person has WLS and drops a significant amount of weight.  The partner who doesn't have the surgery sometimes will experience fear-based jealousy or resentment that the other is getting healthy while they are not.  I have seen marriages/relationships end during a WLS journey (gay and straight) and I've seen relationships become so much stronger.

My gf actually broke up w/me 2 days before my surgery because she was freaked the hell out!  6 months later we got back together and now 17 mos post-op, we're completely in love, planning our wedding (82 days from now), and we're also trying to get pregnant.  So during my whole WLS journey I totally went through hell and back and now into heaven with my relationship.  What it took:  honesty, open communication, safety, vulnerability, patience, understanding, sensativity, commitment, and love.

I would recommend setting up an open communication with her.  She needs to understand your perspective and you need to understand hers.  Maybe even moreso, she needs to understand hr own perspective and communicate her fears to you.  Maybe couples counseling might be an option for you.  It truly does sound like she is very fearful of something right now and uber sensativity is going to be required of you right now.  But she also needs to get that it's not ok to bite your head off.

I wish you the very best and please feel free to reach out for support.

~ Maryn

Nicely said Maryn. Good luck Cheryl.

Yes, for some couples the surgery can be more than stressful. I'm lucky, since my wife has supported me from the start, even if I've been freaking out now and then about my excess of skin and have been very insecure about my looks. She's more or less normal weight, but I know for certain that she doesn't care about how I look, and I actuallt believe her when she says I'm adorable :-)

 

I'm one of those who had the surgery and then separated from my partner.

She was an addict (food,alcohol, etc...) Counseling and talking to friends helped me realize that you can't change anyone...only yourself and my partner needed more help then I could provide. I wish her all the best, but for both of our sakes I had to stop being co-dependent and leave.

Now, this is a different situation than the one you are in, as they all are, but counseling, as Maryn suggested is a great option. Hopefully you can see someone separate and someone together to help you open those lines of communication.

You both deserve to be happy, and I hope you find your way there.

Cheryl,

My partner broke up with me right before I had surgery so I went through the aftermath by myself (well with friends and OH!). It is such a mind trip...to lose weight and deal with other's folks reactions. I had probably more issues with my sisters being jealous and weird and some friends too....

It sounds like your partner is feeling defensive that you are doing so good. If she is a keeper...then get into some sort of counseling so you both can be happier. I agree with Danni....you both need to find what works for you. And she needs to decide if she can love you even when you aren't heavy....

Not impossible to work out but harder when your partner is insecure...and some times age and being overweight...makes folks have less self esteem. Wish you all the best and vent here when you need it!

deb366

It's a little unnerving, but your description of your wife reminds me a lot about my ex partner. We were both overweight and didn't have a very healthy life style. She had a lot of anger inside, and often showed it by being mean and bad tempered. On my way home from work I was always worried. Was she drunk, was she in a bad mood etcetera? I became more and more insecure and felt so bad about myself. Now and then I tried to lose weight, but after 30-40 pounds I wasn't strong enough to continue. My ex then started to buy cakes and candy again, and soon I was up to my normal overweight again. She always said she loved big women, and in a way that made me less inclined to try harder, because that's when she was kind and appreciative. Just like your wife, she has diabetes, but never bothered to change her lifestyle. Eventually, when she was a bit over 60 (after years of bad food, smoking and drinking) she had a heart attack. After being alone for several weeks, when she was at the hospital, I realized that I wanted out, and months later I managed to weasel myself out of the relationship. When I broke up she lost all her extra kilos, but not her temper. It was a really bad separation. Thanks the Goddess I met my present wife after awhile and managed to stay sane.

Afterwards, when we talked on the phone about our relationship (which lasted for 24 looong years) she admitted that she deep down had been insecure and unhappy. She had had this feeling that I would leave her if I was normal weight, because she had thought that I was the stronger one, even if I didn't think so. It wasn't easy for her, but she more or less admitted that she had wanted me fat so I would feel that no one else wanted me and I would stay with her. Since she always had a problem with dealing with feelings it had resulted in her trying to control me with anger. I must say that it was nice to hear all that, because I always thought it was me - that it was something wrong with me. I always felt that I couldn't do anything right, said things that was inconsiderate, and was basically annoying as a person. It feels good to know that this isn't the case, so I'm grateful for her honesty, even if it came late.

What I want to say to you, Cheryl, is that I admire you for being able to lose weight, even if your wife is angry and upset a lot. It's normally hard , but when you're in a relationship that isn't totally stable it's so much harder. You must be a very strong person to be able to succeed the way you do. If you want to save your relationship I think you should talk with her before it's too late. Explain what you're worried about, but without any accusations of course. Focus on your own feelings, thank her for supporting you after your surgery, say that you care about her and want to do the same for her, and ask her what you can do that are helpful to her.

Take care and good luck!