Rocky Relationships

Separate subject so separate post.

So I have read on here and many other places that people that have bariatric surgery often lose their relationships. I know that has happened to several people here.

I am beginning to experience , well let's just say, things getting rocky. The relationship with my partner has not been strong in some time, so any change isn't because i amm losing weight. But, as i have lost just this first 70 pounds, my confidence has come back, and my tolerance for being treated badly has dropped to zero. Not just my partner, but cashiers, drivers, anybody who thinks it's ok to **** on Todd.

One realization that i have come to is that my partner was a big time enabler of my overeating. He did the food shopping and would basicaly buy whatever i wanted. Now that he can't feed me crap, and that i have no desire for it, i think there is this reason for being together that missing.

Alas, he has agreed that we should both go get some couples counseling. I just wonder if i am putting off the inevitable breakup. Hard to walk after 13 years.

My last relationship ended after 12 years of being treated badly...and being cheated on.  Including when I was pregnant with my twins in 06.  For me, having my daughters and wanting the best for them opened my eyes to what others had seen for years.  We were a train wreck together, plain and simple.  We enabled each other in many ways and she was verbally, emotionally and financially abusive to the point where my daughters and I ended up living in a homeless shelter for single parents for about 4 months.  Disasterous. 

Not trying to ramble, but coming from a bad relationship after a very long time, I had to realize that if my gut was telling me it wasn't a good place to be, then I had to let her go.  And I did.  Then I ended up finding real love a few months later when I wasn't really even looking for it.

Go with your gut...no matter what it's telling you.  Good luck!!

Yup, another one here. Was in a relationship- I changed...grew..blossomed and she didn't. Soooo I had to end it. Messy, but I'm glad that I broke it off because I am now with the true Love of My LIFE!!

And a little shout out to MusicMaryn who helped me see the light! OH is the best :Danni

Danni: Big hugs & love right back atcha my friend!  SOOOOOOO proud of you for moving on.  You deserved so much more than what you had in that last relationship.

Todd:  You deserve nothing less than bliss.  Go get it... either with your current partner by working on it and transforming it into something that works for both of you or letting this one go.  If you do end of letting this one go, just know that you will be more than OK.  The act of letting this one go will open up the space in your life to allow that blissful relationship to manifest and come into your life.  Either way, you absolutely deserve your bliss.  It's your time, honey!

~Maryn

I am going thru the same thing as well. My partner has had issues since I decided to have surgery. He felt that if I wanted to loose weight I could do so without the aid of surgery. I had my surgery two years ago and have no problems accept his inability to be supportive. I quit drinking any alcohol 6 months prior to surgery (never really liked to drink) and have not had a drink since. He has become a heavy drinker and I have problems with that. My biggest vice is shopping for clothes but it is well in check.

I feel much better about myself and know that the end of the 10 year relationship is just another part of my accepting my self. I am no longer the enabler but the healthy able body man realizing that being alone is ok and quite healthy.

Best of luck with your relationship and if it is meant to be it will be. Keep your eyes open to the future and your personal growth.

It's amazing to see that a few others have gone through this too.  My ex actually told me when I brought up the prospect of having this surgery nearly TEN years ago that if I did it, she would leave me.  That's how insecure and co-dependant I was a decade ago.  I'm not passing up this opportunity again...and I know I don't have to worry about my other half leaving b/c I have this surgery!  Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.

Ours was changing! Definitely. I had lost a lot of weight and I was feeling super confident/****y and she was just a blah in my way! I wanted to do things. I wanted to ride roller coasters, climb mountains, go kayaking ...and all those things I couldn't do when I was fat ...she was perfectly fine just sitting home on her ass doing nothing.

Well, I did those things ...alone. And she saw how happy I was and she knew she needed to make her own lifestyle changes. A year or so after I had my surgery, she had hers. The first summer after her surgery we went to an amusement park and she rode on everything (and she is totally scared of heights) ...but she did it because she wanted to experience it, and because she could see how happy it made me.

Point is ...I didn't push the surgery on her, but I pushed that she did SOMETHING ...I knew she was unhappy with herself and with her weight. She went through all the hoops that I did and decided on RNY. Since then we've been doing things we would of never done before ...only this time we are doing them together.

That's where I was with my ex wife....I lost about 80 pounds after moving to TX and getting diagnosed and medicated for diabetes.  I wanted to go do all that kind of stuff in the TX Hill Country but my ex was perfectly happy sitting around the house in her PJs with her Pepsi cans and remote.  I got pregnant with the twins later that year and when we thought there may be a 3rd, she told me she would leave me if I ended up carrying 3...then ended up leaving midway through my pregnancy.  I think she was just looking for a way out.  And a way to blame me for the reason she had to leave.  She's now "straight"....

My current partner, Erin wants the surgery but is afraid of the diets, etc.  Her insurance doesn't cover it at all.  But she is willing to go to the Rec Center with me and excercise.  She is changing her eating habits and she QUIT SMOKING (day three without a ciggy...I'm so proud of her!).  My surgeon told her that she had to quit b/c something in the second hand smoke and residue can and will cause me to have ulcers in my new stomach.  Luckily she had announced the day before that she was quitting. 

Total 360 from just 2 years ago for me.  Amazing what a change in our perspectives and self-esteem can do for us!

Brooke--congrats on your weight loss :)

Hi!

Without knowing all the details, I think you should leave him. You shouldn't tolerate being treated badly, and if he was a part of you being fat - he could do it again. Don't risk falling off the goood path you're on now.

I lived with a woman for 24 years and she was less than nice to me. It was sometimes physical abuse, but mostly emotional and keeping me on my toes all the time with her fierce temper. I had to wait until she had a heart attack and was home recovering, with the help of one of her friends, before I had the courage to break up. A couple of months later I found the love of my life on Facebook. A little more than three years later we live together here in Sweden, and in March we're moving to Canada, her home country. She used to be over weight before we met, so she knows how it is, and I can't wish for a better support - and truth sayer, when that is needed.

With my history I can only say that if the relationship isn't good now, it won't be better later. Don't wait until you're so entangled that you have to fight your way out.

Hey everyone --- seems we all have similar stories. I too ended my relationship after my surgery. I had my surgery November 2009, and things were rocky for a bit before surgery. Well one I live in NY and she lives in FL and neither one of us wanted to move. But aside from that. After surgery I  was losing weight and she was gaining weight. I would go visit and want to ride all the roller coasters and go running and kayaking and ended up doing it all alone. When I completed one of my goals this summer of doing a triathlon she took the day away from me so to speak by getting extremely upset with me because I didn't call her as soon as I crossed the finish line. When I would go visit she would tell me I am too skinny and too go eat food and gain some weight back. She wouldn't buy healthy food, so I was forced to bring healthy food with me or go to the store myself and buy it. I would not give into her wanting me to be heavy again. Every week we would fight about the fact that I had the surgery against her wishes and that now that I am thinner I would leave her for someone more active. Truth is I left her because I gained more confidence and was able to stand up for myself. I became involved in our local triathlon group, biking, kayaking, softball teams and weight lifting. I was single and then I met the love of my life. She is amazing. She is extremely active, loves going to the gym together, loves biking, and kayaking (although getting too chilly to do that in NY). She compliments me all the time and she loves to eat healthy. So basically what this rambling on and on is saying, is don't settle for anything less than you deserve!! Life is too short to not be happy!!