Feeling crazed, making bad choices

Long whiny post alert!

Ok, so I'm the revision person, RNY to DS. I know the protocol very well, I'm supposed to stick to a low-carb diet. When I do, I feel great, and I have no issues.

So why am I sabotaging myself?

I did a great amount of biking and walking this weekend, I spent the entire weekend in Manhattan. I think all my trigger**** at once, though. I've been having a massive amount of problems with my mother. She's not well mentally, and it's finally come down to me admitting that she really is detrimental to my health. My therapist has advised me to break off contact, and that decision is backed up by other family members, including my 24 year old son.

Condensed background: My Mom divorced her second husband 7 years ago, at the same time that I inherited my sister's baby. My sister is an addict, so I am the parent of a 7 year old. My mother moved up to my apartment building, and spent 7 years playing bizarre mind games.  In July she moved to Florida (there was much rejoicing) and left everything in her apartment. I mean everything. I spent time on freecycle giving stuff away, and I had to go through things to see what I wanted.

She left family pictures, important family papers, and all the things that people had given her or made for her over the years. Nothing seemed to mean anything to her. Know what hurt the most? Seeing all my pictures as I was growing up, and realizing that I had been normal. All my life I felt overweight, she would tell me I was overweight, until it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I even found letters I wrote her when I was a child, begging her to be proud of me for losing weight. "Mom, I went from 87 to 81.5, aren't you happy?"  What child needs to be thinking about that? I remember being a kid and being on the Atkins diet.  

I found a picture of my mother from the 60s, probably about a year after I was born. She couldn't have weighed more than 100 in that picture (she's short, just under 5'). On the back she had written "fatso." What kind of message did it send that she considered herself fat, when she was so thin?

I was always the good girl, always the people-pleaser, and I became responsible for my mother's happiness. I can't do that anymore. Sadly, she was never satisfied and has always put me down for my choices, my friends, my career, etc. Everything and everyone was wrong.

Right now I'm probably at the best point in my life. I was promoted to library director, I am negotiating to buy a house, the kids are both doing very well, I've become very active with the poly community in NY & NJ, and I have a wonderful, supportive group of friends. My friend Bill says that friends are God's way of apologizing for your family, haha. Guess he's right. I just wish I could get a handle on all these feelings and get myself back to doing all the right things for me, and not for anyone else.

Hi :-)
Well just based off your ticker let me say CONGRATS, you are doing a great job!!! You should be very proud of yourself. It's hard when the one person we try our whole life to please never seems pleased, no matter what we do. Unfortunately it feels like something we have control over it, but it isn't.

It's great that you realize you can't be the source of your mom's happiness. You can't sacrifice your happiness for anyone else's. When I started out on the WLS journey I kept thinking wow everyone will be so proud of me when I lose the weight, it wasn't till about 3 days after surgery that I was home and my now ex partner had gone home and I was staying with my parents, and they were both out of the house and I got thinking. Just because I had surgery doesn't mean anyone else's life changes or anyone else's thinking has changed, their lives didn't depend on my happiness but mine did. That's when I realized this is about me and making a better life for me. It's the same for you, this WLS journey is all about you and you look great so celebrate your success!!! You are doing great!!!

I am so sorry to hear about the trouble with your mother. You have been through a lot with her, and no mother should put their child through all that. Unfortunately, not all of us have great mothers. We can't choose our parents, but as adults we do get to decide what is best for us, and that includes how much of a relationship we want to have with our parents, if any. 

My relationship with my mother is extremely rocky. She is one of the few people who do not know I was even thinking about gastric bypass, let alone that I have had the procedure. For me, it was simply that her involvement is not healthy or supportive, and I needed all my strength to recover from surgery. Dealing with her drains all of my energy. The last time I lost serious weight, she came to visit for a week. That visit ended with a depression that lasted six months and started me regaining all that I had lost. So I can relate to your situation.

You have done amazing things, both in your life and with your weight loss. I hope you will find the strength and confidence in yourself to keep things going. You know what to do. And you have been successful. When you want to sabotage, look at yourself and ask yourself if it is OK to let your mother hurt you? Or do you want to continue to be the proud, successful woman you have become despite her? Food may dull the pain temporarily, but it makes you feel crappy most of the time. Don't let her win. 

All the best - Alan

Wow honey!  I can so relate to a lot of your post.  Your friend was right about friends being an apology for family.  I don't know where I would have been in my life if it hadn't been for my friend.  Find your happiness sugar and don't forget to live life instead of letting life move forward without you in it.