Hi all, an intro and a vent for those that might get it...

 Hello all, I thought I'd come by here and vent a bit to those of you that might just understand.  I'm almost 2.5 years post lapband, at or below goal (ticker is wrong I regained to 135 lbs, but am semi-happy here) and a married bi-sexual woman.  My husband of 10 years (together 18) is quite comfortable with my sexuality and we often have another woman in our relationship.

 I recently met a wonderful woman and we fell quite hard and fast for each other.  She is also Bi and coming out of a destructive marriage.  We agreed to a relationship and only asked for honesty and communication.  In the early days there was a breach of trust when she had a sexual encounter with another man.  We hadn't really defined the lines of our relationship at that point, talked through the issue, defined the lines and moved forward.  My life has been a bit crazy for the last few weeks with out of town family visiting, the problems having young siblings that hate each other together under one roof for an extended period bring, and some financial difficulties.  We went through about a two week period where we only saw each other a few times for a few moments.  Once things settled down I was sure to let her know first and invited her out for the evening.  We had a great night, a few too many drinks, said good bye in the wee hours of the morning (nothing sexual) and made plans to see each other again soon.

 Monday she called and asked if she could come by to have a sober discussion.  I agreed readily and she told me that she had met a man and wanted to pursue a relationship with him.  Though I am quite in love with her, and she is very much a part of our family at this point, I gave her my blessings (against the wants of my heart) and sent her on her way.  I don't feel that it is right for me to keep her from pursuing another, being that I obviously can't offer her permanence or a lifetime of anything.  I didn't offer much of my feelings to her on the matter, simply told her to do as she will.  

The following day I got a message from her saying she missed me and seeing me made it worse but she had already involved herself with this man (sexually).  We had plans for Friday but I realized that I can't emotionally handle the roller coaster she is dragging me through.  I can't be her back burner and be there when she wants me (or when there isn't some guy) and I refuse to sleep with everyone she chooses to by proxy.  I told her I thought it would be best if we concluded the relationship now, before things had to be more emotional and ugly.  Just agree to a clean break and keep our fond memories.  She is dragging this out really badly and doesn't want to end the relationship but the emotional stuff is completely drowning me.  I'm so lost.  Does anyone have any advice?  Can anyone relate?  I'm feeling pretty alone at the moment and here in Army world there isn't exactly many people I can talk to about it all....

Kari

This is my first post ever on this site and I am not a computer tech. kind of person. I read your post and feel sorry for you. My only advice would be to stay at peace with your self. If this relationship is a  roller coaster kind of thing, move on. grieve the loss and bring peace back into your life. At the end of the day it is you, you have to live with and if this situation is making your emotions run wild, take a big step back, withdraw form it for awhile, gain your ground again, more or less retreat to what brings you happiness. 

All this is coming to you from a 50yr. lady who tries to live each day to it's fullness. Sometimes I fail, I let anger get control of me, or pride, or slack off my house chores, but in the end I still try. That's all we can do. Karen 

It is hard enough when it is only two people involved, lol!  Are you still responding to texts and calls?  Would it beneficial to cut her out of your life completely to bring some peace back onto you?

Well, Kari, I'm sorry that this has hurt you so much.  I wish I could say I relate...but in reality...I don't.  I'm 35, bisexual and been with the same woman for 14 years (never broken up, no cheating or others involved).  I like to look at all sides of the story when I throw in my 2 cents so please don't think I'm being mean...I'm just going to say what's on my mind.
I think that it's great you told her to pursue a relationship with this man.  It would have been very selfish for you to be married, have her on the side and tell her she couldn't find happiness with a man like you have found.
I am sorry for you that you and this woman have grown so attached to one another that the thought of her with this man breaks your heart.  I can't help but think what does your husband think of all this?  Or does he know?
IMO I think it may be better to sever your ties to her.  Like you said, you can never give her a full time partner.  Don't you think she may want that...if not now, someday?
It might be better for you to find someone in a similar situation as you (like a married woman).  This way you would know who's she's slept with and there wouldn't be too many hands in the pot (so to speak?).
Then again...I don't know.  I've never had a relationship with more then one person at a time so, maybe you could educate me.  :o)

Honestly, I know it's hard being one of "us" (bi) and being misunderstood by many (straight and gay).  I just hope you find true happiness...

Hi Kari,
I don't really have any advice, but I can kind of relate to your situation. I've always considered myself bi, though until very recently I had never been with a woman in any way and only dated a few men (few and far between). I've always felt open to dating either a man or woman, but part of me always wanted to be part of a romantic grouping with both a man and a woman. Not so much just as a sexual threesome, but like part of a family.

This past November when I was getting ready to have my surgery, I began renting a room from my uncle. There was also a married couple renting another room from him as well. The three of us became friends and a few months ago they told me that the wife was also bi (I'm not out, but I guess she had good gaydar - or would it be bidar??) and that they were both attracted to me. I began a relationship with them, but often had issues with feeling like second best. Part of it was the history they have with each other from being together for several years, part with the fact of keeping it a secret due to the living situation, and part probably from my own lack of self-confidence and having a hard time believing that someone could really be attracted to me or want me.They both assured me that it wasn't the case, but I often felt left out and unsure if the relationship was right for me even though I loved them.

Recently my uncle began to get suspicious and told the husband that if there was anything going on between us that he would kick him out. We're looking for another place to move to, so that the three of us can have privacy and see if the relationship will work out. The thing is that while we're "on a break" I'm starting to feel like I'm getting over them. I do want to move to the different house with them when we find a place and see if things will be better then, but if I still feel like you said (on the back burner) then I'll have to move on no matter how much I care for them.

I'm sorry that this woman is making things more difficult for you and I hope that things get resolved positively. Oh yeah, and I can definatly relate to not being able to talk to people about these kinds of problems. Again, I really hope you can get this sorted out and find peace.

Hi Kari,

I'm sort of in a similar life situation, and I chose to become part of the polyamory community because of it.

I think honesty and communication speak volumes, and if this woman wanted to pursue a relationship with you, she wouldn't have jumped at another person right away. Instead, she would have explored the relationship and its energy without trying to immediately find another.

There are so many people who feel that they have to be in a relationship no matter what, and that relationship has to lead to marriage. They don't seem to care that the relationship might be destructive.

You can't save the world but you can save yourself a lot of heartache. You deserve someone who is open, honest, loving and can be a part of the life you've created.  You mentioned that you can't exactly speak in the army community, but try finding a local polyamory group. It might help, and if you want some mailing lists for discussion groups, let me know & I'll pass them along.

Hi, Kari
I'm so sorry you're going thru this.  I think your instincts are right -- cut the cord asap.  It's not fair to you for this woman to keep you playing some kind of guessing game - does she want me?  does she not?  Stability and sanity are the most important things in our lives...........and this woman doesn't sound like she can provide either.  You're absolutely right -- you don't want to be her back burner -- or booty call, as my daughter says.  People who play with other people's emotions are just despicable, IMO........you don't need this "roller coaster" as you put it.

You already know the answer -- yeah, it's hard to break it off when the attraction/feelings are strong but it's going to be soooooo much worse the longer it goes on and the more you get involved.

Wishing you the best,
Kate