How long did it take to figure out what you were?

Hi there,
     I've been questioning my sexuality since I was thirteen years old. I am now seventeen, and am still confused.  I tend to have a sexual pull tord women, and a dating pull tord men.  Like, I would date a man but not have sex with him.  I have had a girlfriend, though not a boyfriend. I've never had sex with eaither.  Do I have to have a boyfriend too to figure it out? It's really starting to bug me! I just wanna know what I am!  How long did it take you to figure it out?  Thanks.
-sarah

Hi Sarah!

First of all, yay for you for allowing yourself to explore your different feelings.  You are still young and have so much ahead of you.  There's no need to rush into sex if you aren't really feeling that something for whomever it is - man or woman. 

I started allowing myself to acknowledge that I was attracted to women in my early 20's... about 22 or so.  I was "straight" and dated (more like slept with) men exclusively until that point. I was attracted to men and women at the time. So I considered myself bisexual.  I went a few years dating and sleeping with both men and women.  Then I fell in love with a woman and was with her for 8 years.  Now, I do onsider myself lesbian.  I do find some men attractive, but I only want to date women.  And I'm now 39.

Sweetie... there's no rush figuring it out.  My advice is to play it by ear for now until your sexual identity makes sense to you.

Good luck and enjoy life!

~ Maryn 

Well...I hate labels, period. I don't think you need to "test out" anything. You are who you are ..even at 17 years old. I date people. I've always looked beyond race, gender, religion, etc ...if I think a person is a great catch than I try to pursue it. I don't consider myself lesbian or bisexual ..it's more like neutralsexual lol.

I've always been attracted, physically and emotionally, to women.  I had my first girlfriend in the 3rd grade.  I've been out since I was 14 and I've never questioned my sexuality.  I have always just known, ya know.

But, here's the deal.  As both Brooke and Maryn have said, there's no rush.  Hell, there's no reason that you have to label yourself.  Just be whatever is comfortable to you, whether that's straight, gay, or somewhere in between.

Hi Sarah,

Really great question. I had crushes equally on men and women when I was in HS, but never thought about dating women. I married my husband when I was 19, and he was pretty uptight about all sexuality (including his own) so I just never said anything.

I don't think I admitted to myself or to him that I was equally attracted to women until we went to counseling together - and believe it or not, that was brought on by my weight loss surgery. I was becoming more open, more body conscious, and I was noticing people noticing me. So, I didn't really admit anything til I was about 40.

Now, with the help of an absolutely, positively wonderful and amazing counselor, I have peace and love.  I identify as polyamorous with fluid sexuality, rather than sticking with any one label.

My advice? Date the people who attract you, for who they are and not what they are.

I wish you all the best,
Adele

Thanks for all the advice.
I guess I'll just go with the flow then and see what happens :)

Good luck Sarah. Makes perfect sense that you are trying to define yourself and this world does not make that a very free thing to do so kudos to you for reaching out. You asked and we told LOL!!! Go get 'em! 

I'm 26 and still figuring it out and I bet there are people twice my age and still figuring it out so don't stress over how long it takes.

I know a lot of people who are the same as you or vice versa. A good friend is a lesbian who happened to marry a man but still gets along better sexually with women. This stuff is not simple!

I am a gay man in a female body (or so I thought) evolving into more of of a lesbian with my male-to-female transitioning partner. I mean, nothing's simple, right?

No one is going to have the answers but being honest with yourself and with potential partners about what you really like is the best start.

Goodluck!!

I don't think you should have to identify as anything if you don't want to. And you don't have to have a boyfriend to figure it out, or a girlfriend for that matter.

I guess I came out when I was around your age, maybe a little younger. I'd never had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. However, when I look back at my life I realize that I had huge crushes on women as far back as kindergarten. Though I identify as a lesbian, I still have a crush here or there on men. The difference being that I don't want to have sex with them. The "crushes" I've developed on men have simply been a deep appreciation of someones character traits.While that's great, I dont think I could sustain a relationship with no sexual attraction.

So there ya go! I don't think that was very helpful. I guess, you feel a sexual pull towards women and a dating pull towards men. Maybe you only feel the dating pull towards men because you think you're supposed to? That's how I felt in Highschool. 

Goodluck! :D Life is short, have fun! There is plenty of time to discover who you are.