OT-Good/Bad

The Good- I gave birth to my third child on 1/27. She is healthy and beautiful. 

The Bad- 5 days ago I found out that my partner of 14 years is having an affair. She has been involved with another woman for the last 7 months.  She told me that she is not in love with me anymore.

When I asked her when she was going to tell me, she responded after the baby's adoption was completed. She didn't want to tell me while I was pregnant.  I am heart broken and trying to figure out how to move forward. She has no desire to try to save our family.  She still wants to adopt the baby.

Any words of encouragement are welcome.

OK, it's your child for both of you? Tell her to get out and don't let the door hit her. I would sooooooooooo not let her adopt the baby (Congrats on that by the way) if you guys are no longer together. I can kinda see her point in not wanting to tell you while preggers tho. Ya don't ned the added stress, BUT to wait how long now to tell you and to tell you after the adoption would be final? What a straight guy.

I have let her stay at this point for our older kids(5 and 7). I want to sort out what I need to do before their lives are disrupted. When we sit down to tell them, they will have questions and I will need to have answers about what will come next. 
I am trying to take one day at a time and figure out what will be best for my children, and how to make that happen.

What would be the benefit, besides child support, of her adopting? If she was having a 7 month affair than she started this affair around the time you were 3-4 months pregnant ...why did she move forward with you getting pregnant if she didn't want ALL of this???? I'd seriously tell her to **** off! 

If it were me (and i'm really only speaking for me) I would move on with my child without her. I've been doing the single Mom thing for years. It's not easy. But it's better than being with a jerk. If she was serious about adopting I would guess she wouldn't have started an affair just a few months after you got pregnant!

Hang in there. It does get easier!! I have a 10 year old and she is the joy in my life! 

The child support is one benefit, we have family health insurance through her job that is much better than what is available through my job( I will obviously be changing mine), the extra child support would allow me to buy her out of the house we own jointly-allowing my older kids to stay at their school, in their home, near their friends ect.  

The only reason that I am still considering the adoption is my other 2 children ages 5 and 7.  We are both their parents, she adopted them after I gave birth.  I don't want them to feel that she would walk away from them, and if the baby stayed with me I think that they may feel she would leave them as well.

Does she deserve to adopt the baby I am torn, because I can't see straight right now. I know that she loves all three of our kids, and would take care of them.  I am trying not to make any rash decisions at the moment.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl.

As for your ex-girlfriend **** her!  She made her choice about you and yor family 7 months ago.  She does not want to be a part of your family anymore.  By her infidelities spoke volumes.  She wanted someone else (as painful as that may be for you to accept).  She was not supportive of you during most of your pregnancy.  Therefore she did not earn the right to be a legal parent to your baby girl.

I'm so sorry that one of the happiest times in your life is coupled with one of the saddest times.  Lean on your family & friends during this time.  You have 3 children - you are a tremendously strong woman.  You will get through this.

Thank you for your response. I am lucky that my family is very supportive, they will help me in anyway that the can.

Congratulations on your baby! I hope you are both healthy. 

Is your partner the mother of the 2 other children? If she isn't, do you want to be tied down to her for the next 18-21 years if she adopts the baby? I'm sorry she doesn't want to repair the relationship.  And at this point in my life, I am not surprised by anything anyone does anymore. Live for youself and your kids.

Big Hugs!

Yes we are both parents to the older 2 children, I gave birth she adopted both of them.  She is legally and financially responsible for them. I worry that if I don't go through with the adoption it will hurt my older kids they are 5 and 7. They may feel that if she could walk away from me, and the baby then they are next.  If she does adopt the baby she will have to pay child support for her as well, and that extra money may allow me to buy her out of the house that we own jointly.
 
It is so hard to figure out what to do, I am lucky that my family is very supportive and will do anything that I need to help me. I have just never been the one who needed help, I have always been able to take care of myself.

Congrats on your baby girl! That is wonderful new.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Can you ask her to go into couples counseling with you? Is she that sure she has no desire to save the marriage?

Since your partner has adopted the other two children as well, and the benefits are good, adopting this child might be a good thing. Don't shut her out completely. I know the situation is hurtful but staying cool for the sake of the kids should be paramount.

I hope that everything will work out for you so that the healing can begin, but don't shut her out completely, let her be a part of the baby's life so that all 3 children share the same parents. Many hugs to you.