For the Bears

Vickie's post has got me thinking.......

I used to be large-in charge imposing presence and I'm shrinking everyday (I even lost an inch of height!) and it's kinda stressing me out.

I used to be this big bear of a person and if I become "normal-sized" then I feel like I'm losing part of my identity- does that make sense?

So I'm just wondering if those of you who were large guys dealt with this kind of issue, and how did you resolve it in your head?

Thanks,
danni

Big Bear to Teddy Bear  

I know ya asked the guys but I couldn't help putting my 2 cents in.

I went from being super soft-butch I guess you could say (only wore mens clothing) to super girlie!!! I don't feel lost! I like this new me. I think I was lost when I was fat.

Well I thought about asking the women, but ladies typically want to be smaller- and I don't. I was always very confident as a fat gurl, and felt comfortable in my skin- but I was unhealthy. Now I'm healthy but uncomfortable- it's all azzzbackwards!

Well I wouldn't say I wanted to be smaller either. I weigh 150 now and for me that's a "decent" weight. I've maintained this weight for a year now. However, I am NOT comfortable with my body now (not that I was before either). Sometimes I still feel like I'm too big because I'm not 105 so it's like ...where do I fit in now? They have "plus size clubs" and "skinny clubs" ...where are the inbetween clubs? LOL! Dammit ......it is azzzbackwards!!

How frustrating- well I think you look fabulous just as you are!

My entire identity was tied up with being "the big guy" and all that that entailed.  While it had its perks (being seen as strong physically and emotionally, being seen as an imposing presence, people never forgetting me or my name), it definitely had its downsides (being seen as sexually "safe" to the point of being a eunich, people making the assumption you're not too smart).

Suddenly I don't have that anymore.  I'm still big, but I'm not the big guy anymore.  It left me feeling a little disconnected, and wondering who I was.  Very confusing.

As a side note, a quick story that people here might get.  Hell, this is the ONLY place where people might understand this story and the feeling that went with it:

When I was at my largest, I had the ability to part crowds.  A lot of larger people have this ability, I think.  It's not a matter of throwing your body at people, or pushing them out of the way - it's attached to your presence, the force of your will backed up by your body.  I would walk with determination in the direction I wanted to go, push my will in front of me, and the crowds would part.  Whether this was out of fear because a 500 pound polynesian was barreling towards them or because it really was my mental energy steering people out of my path I may never know.  But I promise, it worked, and I'm not making this up.

At some point, after I'd lost maybe 150 pounds or so, I was walking down the street towards my car here in Los Angeles when a large crowd of high school students were coming towards me, taking up the whole sidewalk.  No problem, I though - just do the crowd parting trick.  I set my path, walking with determination, and pushed my will out in front of me - and nothing happened.  Next thing you knew, I'm neck deep in highschool students, bumping into them and getting dirty looks for not getting out of THEIR way.

Since that day, my part the crowd trick no longer works.  I've no longer got that big guy juju.

Don - You may not be parting crowds, but you'll never lose your juju!!!!! 

I have been involved with the bear community since the early 90's. I am in transition now, some think of me as a traitor since I have lost weight and workout and run daily. Physically I like to think I'm a bear, and I'm still attracted to bears, but in my head, I am leaning towards a lot healthier way of living. I can't explain it, as I'm still feeling my way. I am looking towards being classified as a muscle bear soon.