Who the hell was I before weight loss?
tell me I'm not crazy... I don't know how to explain it so I'm going to babble...
When I was fat I kept the gay part of my life hush hu**** was always "Don't ask don't tell" and I would never bring it up (even though I knew people knew)
Now that I'm a new person, it's like I don't care what people know, or what people think. I'm me, and I'm not going to try to be someone else... maybe because I LIKE who I am and I finally don't give a **** what people think... and you know what... it's like people are now flocking to me to be my friend/aquaintance/other... maybe because I'm not pushing them away? I'm the one getting friended (and not the one sending them praying that the person actually likes me). (Seriously... you don't know what a high it is to find that someone WANTS to be my friend)
Am I giving off a better aura? I'd like to say I'm still the same person I've always been... but I'm not, I actually LIKE myself. I actually WANT to talk to people. I would never talk to anyone because I was afraid they didn't like me... now I give and get IMs all day long at work... I'm personable with people...people stop to talk to me... it's bizzare...
I've always had a hard time making and keeping friends... I've always pushed people away (not because I wanted to, but because I never thought anyone liked me for who I was, my God, did people think I was stuck up???)
It's such a weird coming to terms... Does anyone know what I'm saying? Or was I really that fcked up before weight loss surgery???
When I was fat I kept the gay part of my life hush hu**** was always "Don't ask don't tell" and I would never bring it up (even though I knew people knew)
Now that I'm a new person, it's like I don't care what people know, or what people think. I'm me, and I'm not going to try to be someone else... maybe because I LIKE who I am and I finally don't give a **** what people think... and you know what... it's like people are now flocking to me to be my friend/aquaintance/other... maybe because I'm not pushing them away? I'm the one getting friended (and not the one sending them praying that the person actually likes me). (Seriously... you don't know what a high it is to find that someone WANTS to be my friend)
Am I giving off a better aura? I'd like to say I'm still the same person I've always been... but I'm not, I actually LIKE myself. I actually WANT to talk to people. I would never talk to anyone because I was afraid they didn't like me... now I give and get IMs all day long at work... I'm personable with people...people stop to talk to me... it's bizzare...
I've always had a hard time making and keeping friends... I've always pushed people away (not because I wanted to, but because I never thought anyone liked me for who I was, my God, did people think I was stuck up???)
It's such a weird coming to terms... Does anyone know what I'm saying? Or was I really that fcked up before weight loss surgery???
I think you know the answer to your own question..... It sounds like you didn't feel confident about yourself so neither did others. Now that you realize the awesomeness that is you- so does everyone else! Of course I knew from the start that you were awfully cool, so I'm not surprised that those IRL are seeing it too!
I'm glad to hear that you're not pushing people away, but letting them come to you..keep up the great weight loss and the self-discovery!!
I'm glad to hear that you're not pushing people away, but letting them come to you..keep up the great weight loss and the self-discovery!!
:Danni >>>AIDS/LifeCycle 10 & 11 Finisher: 545miles on the bike in 7 days <<<
HW390/SW340/CW 208/GW170
I like that you posted this Tony.
So many of us are angry at folks for how they treat us post weight loss ( seem to like us more, see we are attractive etc..) but I have been clear as I have ridden the roller coaster of weight loss and gain that it is often ME who does the changing. How I feel when I can walk into a store and find clothes in regular sections, making better eye contact, imagining that someone who looks at me in that "way" is looking because I am cute... not that they are screwed up or that I should be grateful for the attention. The confidence I feel in my body and my own physicality. Getting in touch with the athlete again instead of feeling disabled. Who I end up being is what pulls people to me but more importantly I pull ME to me.
I know that being fat lets me out of things I want to avoid, like some grand loop hole. I get to live life by sitting in the stands instead of being on the court.
Well, I am back on the court with permission to notice the stands when I feel freaked but no loop holes to blame it on others or disable myself. Mind you, I may come scurrying here to get some support!
So many of us are angry at folks for how they treat us post weight loss ( seem to like us more, see we are attractive etc..) but I have been clear as I have ridden the roller coaster of weight loss and gain that it is often ME who does the changing. How I feel when I can walk into a store and find clothes in regular sections, making better eye contact, imagining that someone who looks at me in that "way" is looking because I am cute... not that they are screwed up or that I should be grateful for the attention. The confidence I feel in my body and my own physicality. Getting in touch with the athlete again instead of feeling disabled. Who I end up being is what pulls people to me but more importantly I pull ME to me.
I know that being fat lets me out of things I want to avoid, like some grand loop hole. I get to live life by sitting in the stands instead of being on the court.
Well, I am back on the court with permission to notice the stands when I feel freaked but no loop holes to blame it on others or disable myself. Mind you, I may come scurrying here to get some support!
Jill 
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