New to the group; going through WLS growing pains
Thank goodness there is a forum for GLBT/WLS. I would have been happy just finding a group for spouses or family, but this is a major bonus!
My partner had WLS about 10 weeks ago and I've been looking for a site to help both of us with the change in lifestyle. I want to be supportive and am looking for any good insight. You see, I'm kinda blind when it comes to what our culture thinks the definition should be. When my partner and I first met (going on 11yrs ago), her primary concern was her weight and whether I would be accepting of her. In my eyes, she has always been a beautiful and sensual woman, and I've always been proud to walk arm in arm with her wherever we go.
This Spring her Mother moved in with her and out of the blue my Queen decides to have WLS. Needless to say, I was shocked as I thought WE were a team....okay, I put that aside and have been very supportive of her choice to have WLS. She moved up her surgery while I was in transit out of state to take care of my Father (end stage cancer), again out of the blue. Again, I was still supportive and talked to her frequently (via phone right now as I'm out of state) and she liked the attention.
About a month post-op, she sent me some b&a pics and she is having wonderful post-op results. I am attentive and supportive of her, and still find her to be verrrry desireable. She knows I've been looking for a WLS support site and was initially all for it. Lately she has become distant and quickly changes the subject when I give her kudos or say anything remotely on the romantic side, add to that the frequency/length of our conversations has decreased. She doesn't like it that her skin is sagging.....I've tried telling her that I understand and that this can be a temporary part of losing weight rapidly, etc. My words and actions seem to fall on deaf ears, yet when others compliment her progress she is aglow. BTW - I've lost 60lbs since the beginning of the year (using Cytamel per thyroid issues)....her response when I had lost 50lbs wasn't exactly supportive and she hasn't asked/commented since (hmmm, just now noticed that).
When I told her that I had found a support site, she asked why and I told her that I want to be a good partner in dealing with WLS lifestyle change and be supportive, and the data shows there is a high rate of divorce/break-up with WLS patients that I didn't want us to be part of the supporting numbers for that statistic, etc. She responded with talking about her ex-husband and that she was already divorced. ???? Um, I was talking about us.....she had to get off the phone.
Her Mother does have a strong influence on her (boy, does my partner get P***ED if anyone makes that observation) and has made my partner her project as her Mother wants her to be straight and thin like people are supposed to be. ???? I'm starting to feel like I'm in the process of losing two loved ones; my Father through death, and my partner through WLS.
Anybody else been through the relationship growing pains of WLS? I get it, that getting noticed can be flattering...I also know that not everyone who compliments means it beyond the quick tap.
I can see how complicated it got when your partner's mother arrived. Sounds like their connection/emeshment really changed yours with her. She made some pretty HUGE decisions without you and I do not blame you fro feeling like you are on the outside looking in. The pull for her to BE who her mother wants her to be must be painful for both of you. I can only wonder how self hating she is ( too fat and struggling with her own homophobia) and how she is dramatically remaking herself.
You are noticing alot of distance and change between you and I would think it will be important for you to name it with her. It may cause a fight but the shift is too extreme to gloss over. Check in with us bud. You deserve support and what better place than with your queer folk who get it at such a cellular level! Good luck.
Thanks for your response, Jill.
Yeah, I guess it can be hard. At the same time, I've seen others make it with little or no difficulty and would LOVE to be in that group. I've never backed down from a challenge and am of the belief that anything worthwhile is worth the effort, though once in a while it would be nice for things to be a tad easier.
I can see where a person wouldn't want to be starting a relationship or in the beginning stages of a relationship while initiating WLS....that is unless they met someone very special, then it would behoove them to go for it as ya don't get a whole lot of chances in life.
You're right, our problems/issues should be named to each other and I need to make more of an effort in that area. I know she loves me and right now she may be backing off so I can focus more on my Dad, but I'm pretty good at multi-tasking and she is a very important part of my life...guess it's a delicate balance.
She may have gotten a clue about her mother's influence from our conversation the other night. Part of which I told her that her mother wouldn't be happy until she got with a man, and she agreed without getting mad. Today, she told me she got her hair cut in HER style so she doesn't look the way her mother wanted....progress? I hope so. She also sounded more interested in this group and may join at some point...it could be a good outlet for her.
Yes, queer folk do seem to have a much better understanding even though the issues can be very similar. I'm looking forward to engaging more in this group and hopefully help others.
You are very fortunate to still have some good energy with your partner that she was there for your surgery, etc.
Thanks again! 
She might feel that weight loss was HER thing. WHen you started to lose as well it no longer belonged solely to her. Maybe she became jealous of your weight loss.
Also, having WLS is a tool that has to be used as an aid to help obtain healthy goals. Many of us who are in need of WLS have it to correct health issues when all else has failed. The bonus of losing weight is looking better, feeling more desirable and not feeling like a second class citizen. I hope she is doing the WLS for herself and not for her mother. Her success with WLS will only happen if she is committed to it for herself.
You sound like a good catch and supportive partner. If your girlfriend fails to see that ,I am sure there is someone else who would love the attention.
I wish you the best with your relationship and continued weight loss.
Tony Ray
