Partner Problemos

So....

I love my partner, but it seems as if she's gaining all the weight I'm losing. She has gained like 80 lbs since I we started dating a year and a half ago.

Though she says she wants to change, she makes no efforts to do so. She says she wants to eat better but buys ice cream and chips. She says she wants to work out, but then tries to get me to stay home with her instead of going to the gym.

Plus, she always makes comments like, "When you're skinny- you're going to leave me" and "Gawd, I'm such a fat cow." I find these comments upsetting, and yet she keeps saying them.

I'm at a loss and I'd love a little insight please.....

Great to see you back around here! People have been asking where you were.

The warnings they give us about the changes that can happen to our friendships and relationships are never more real than when things like this start to happen. No one but your partner will know what has led to these changes ( and then only with some therapy maybe) but it seems reasonable that something about your journey frightens or threatens her. Sounds like she is eating with alot of energy ( takes a good bit if consistency to gain 80 pounds in 18 months) and I think she really is worried you will leave her. Maybe she can bear it more if she makes herself "unlovable" because of her weight gain rather than staying the same an risk you changing and leaving her.

Food, size, changes etc.. are so loaded in a relationship. So much of it may be unknown or unmetabolized to both of you. I recommend that you go to couple's therapy, preferably with someone really familiar with the dynamics of WLS and impact on couples. Good luck to you both!

Very good, Jill.  You always have great advice!!! 

Well shucks mam ( digging toe into dirt in goofy fashion) thanks!

Yeah, I wish I could get her into couples therapy- she had a bad experience in the past with a counselor and she's very reluctant to attend!

I don't know what the answer is.  I am going through something similar.  My g/f is eating whatever and whenever but I feel like a hypocrite if I say anything.  She stuck by me at my biggest weight and I just plain feel guilty for saying anything.  BUT ON THE OTHER HAND- I have made this HUGE step to a healthier lifestyle(I have also quit smoking since April)  I'm doing it to live a long, happy and healthy life with her.  So, if I'm working hard for the greater good of our life together and she's not, whats the point of being with her?  As a little side note, I have NEVER mentioned my uncomfortableness with her eating and her weight-EVER-  but do you know what she said to me one day??  she stepped out of the bathroom and said "so, how much weight do you want me to lose to suit you?"  I almost knocked her OUT!!!  BECAUSE, like I said, I NEVER complain to her!  Anyway, I meant to give you the "Cliff Note" response to your post but, as always, I keep rambling.  I know I didn't answer your questions, but, here is some evidence that you are not alone.  Good luck and hang in there because love is worth it :)

That's exactly how I feel! I made this huge change so that I can be around and I feel like she's doing the opposite. I never say anything remotely negative either and it's incredibly frustrating!

 Ultimately I think this is what could make or break a relationship.  Negative comments from someone you love especially one of your biggest support groups can be really hard to except.  i have not had my surgery as of yet but I do know this..... I want to be with someone that is healthy, happy and a positive person who supports my decisions and my life.  I have been reading the 'WEIGHTLOSS FOR SURGERY DUMMIES BOOK' and it has helped a lot with figuring out things that may happen and how people will react.  It's absolutely normal for her to act like this!  
your decision may have to be....are you willing to put up with feedback and lack of support.  You have made a life change for yourself and you shouldn't have to feel like you have made the wrong decision.  Hopefully this helps with some insight...
Good Luck, Hopefully your girlfriend will start her journey soon for your relationships sake.

Tina
Canada

I swear you copied and pasted my exact post a few months ago!! LOL! I was in the SAME boat. Only mine just had surgery last Monday ....but it wasn't until I lost all the weight.that mine made the decision! 

Hi. It sounds very frustrating but as I am reading this and the comments I just want to put out there that we all have to remember she stood by you thru your struggle and it sounds like she needs you at this time to stand by her thru hers. Yes we all want a better life and want to be healthy, ect... However we need to deal with ALL changes. My partner makes comments that I will find someone better now that I am losing the weight. I think losing the weight puts a threat to our gf's. I hope therapy works for the both of you and try to keep communicating with her how you feel & how she feels. Jill has some good advice there. Good luck.