Did we lose our identity when we lost our weight?

So yeah... not to add to the Bear411 debagle...

Did we lose our identity when we lost our weight?
When we were heavy we could identify ourselves as ______  (bear, chub, butch, sorry ladies not sure what all classes are out there for you)
But after the weight loss where do we fall?
You go to fill out a profile and what do you pick?   Bear?  Cub?  Overweight?  Average?
And what exactly is "Average"
Are we still overweight with a BMI of say 32?

And now I look at pictures of myself and think "OMG Who is that person?"  I look in the mirror and I still see fat, yet I look at pictures and I see frump.
I think when I was heavy I felt better about myself... it was a what you see is what you get... but now it's like What am I?

This is the picture that was the icing on the cake... I look like someone you'd see on makeover 411




seriously... someone bring me out of this slump... Do I need better clothes?  New glasses?  a shot in the ass of self esteem?  I couldnt even sit at the haircutters yesterday...  I felt so awkward looking at myself in the mirror

This picture is a little better, but again... what does it take to finally get over the mind block.    No offense, but gay men are beyond critical... and I think we're worse when it comes to our own criticism.

Thanks for letting me vent

Well I don't even know what "category" you'd put me in pre op and post op. I'm just a woman. Well I did go from morbidly obese to normal so that must count for something.

The only thing that changed for me really is my personality. I'm more confident, out going, and happy. And when I look at old pictures I am lost for words ...I look at them and just say WOW ..I can't believe I ever let myself go and let myself get so big. I was so sad then.

Yeah, I don't know how to get past the "frump" feeling.  I keep thinking it must just take time to get used to the "new skin" even with all the extra. . .

It is amazing how we have to cope with "fat head" after we lose weight. Struggling with the lowered self esteem is not managed by our weight change and finding yourself again is the real challenge. That seems likie enough but then people around us start to interact with us differently. I have read so many posts here about the anger folks feel after they lose weight and people can suddenly "see" them now as though they were not really there before as a fat person. Our friendships can shift and divorces happen too. Seems to me that the "fat" is just the visible evidence but what lies underneath it that gets exposed and then adressed/or not after the WLS is the defining issue. I guess until WE decide who were are and what we call OURSELVES we will keep feeling defined by the way other people treat us. Hang in there Tony. This is the real stuff that holds us down or sets us free. Go get 'em!

Think we need a guy to comment on the clothes. I do like the second picture better....it may be time for a new do or working out. I found that muscle definition made me feel stronger and better overall...plus being around sweaty women at the gym was sort of cool...

Yep, I get treated totally different....but in a good way. PS can certainly help with the frump factor but then it is sort of weird too. Overall most the lezzies I know are sort of into the natural look....I look maybe more like an older version of someone on the "L" word now...

Can you get a hot friend to give you some advice?

deb366

When I was looking for new clothes, I really tried to find things that I would have never dreamed to wear before.  Different fabrics, cuts, styles, etc.  I was also wearing clothes WAY too big.  I had to realize that the clothes wear fitting snugly on my thin body, not my fat!  THAT took a lot of getting used to.  The thing that you may also be struggling with is that you appear to be a tall man.  You are always going to stick out in a crowd due the that and draw attention.  That can make you feel uncomfortable as well during your transition.  I'd say try new things and go a little wild.  You will get noticed and it won't be because of a frumpy look.  Not that I think your pics are frumpy though! 

You know the thing I struggle with most is the b**tchy gay men that would have NEVER had the time of day for me at 409 now eyeing me up and down like a piece of meat.  Glad I am not "on the market"!!!  Have a honey that loves me for who I am no matter what size! 

Be proud!!  You have come a long way!

I think yes, we do lose our identity when we lose the weight. But what was that identity? Were you one of those big guys who make themselves the butt of their own jokes to gain acceptance? Did you became a "bear " because at least the bears accepted someone who was over-weight?
Now we're free to create a new "identity"......try "healthier gay man" on for size   :)
As for self-perception, you have the power to change your look just as you changed your body.
Like folks have said, try new styles of clothing that you might have wanted to wear but never could,  or join a gym and begin defining that new body. I think we gain new freedom when we lose weight, maybe that's what seems a bit scary.
BTW, that last picture of you is cute. I wouldn't be too worried  :)

Thanks... I appreciate it.   This morning I was really feeling good about myself.  Went to my Zumba class and I was getting cruised by someone who was walking laps in the 2nd level gym... it was a nice feeling.

and DUDE... you just had surgery last week???  How are you feeling????  Congratz!!

I had surgery last Monday......and I am feeling great!
walking quite a bit every day to make the most of this surgery
Not sure what a "zumba" class is....but it sounds fun
and I am very glad you're getting the attention you deserve now

For most of us, our obesity identity construct is tied to so many other constructs, like: being abuse, being neglected, being an only, being too many, being bullied, being..., and then we lose weight and in the process think that we are going to go from super fat to super hot and we fail to figure in the skin factor or the damage factor to our joints from carrying all that weight around.  Anyway, we end up not ever really achieving that perfect body that we had hoped for; however, we do learn to live in what we've become.  And there's plastics....