OT dating issue

Kind of have a crush on someone .....who is not really available....due to work and family issues (not because they are with someone else).We email, text and sometimes talk on the phone several times a day....the problem is that now I am just not really interested in anyone else....I am have been pretty clear with her that I am interested and I think she is too, but she really isn't able to give me the face to face time I would really like. So I know there are other women out there.... When I am with others....I just compare them....so I am trying to figure out my options...

1) just stay friends with this person

2) try to get over the crush(any ideas?)

3) throw myself into dating other people

4) give up on dating all together

5) other options??


I have been out with others and have others who want to do stuff with me....but this one "floats my boat" if you know what I mean....

Any suggestions? Am I just being too moony? Oh we met online and have been getting to know each other for over 6 months now....met once in person, then had her down for a couple of nights...we have a lot in common...


help? deb366

I guess it depends on how big the "gap" is . . . but I would definitely stay friends.

How far away does she live?
Is there any chance of change in cir****tance?
Is it a coming out issue?
How often do you chat, phone, text?  Has that changed at all?
Have you been able to have an open, honest conversation on the topic?

 Crushes are hard...reeeeelly hard...! Crushes reeeeely put you at a disadvantage! One should avoid them at all cost! The crush state of mind is temporary insanity. It's about you not the other person. A crush is not the same as attraction. Attraction has more intellect involved.

That said, the key word here is  her being unavailable...not a good thing to start out with in a possible relationship... and the fact that she is not responding to you with the same level of interest. (is she?)

I have experienced the best and the worst relationships with women. 
The worst is when you are involved because you like all the bells and whistles that go off when you think of her.. and THEN you come to realize that that isn't enough to keep you interested.

The best is when you find someone who has a common background to yours..it may be less glitzy but better suited to your needs in the long run..Glitz doesn't last, remember.

Just some thoughts from an old warrior in a loving long term relationship here in Boston.

Oh and move on from the crush. Look and see who you may have missed or overlooked. Trying to stay friends..does she even have time for you as a friend????    Best, Jude

Jude and MSt thanks for your replies.

Yes...I think I am insane!! And I do think it is about me. I was way overboard at one point and pulled back from that. She has been clear she wants to go slow. I feel like she does like me, she was very nice when we were together and we normally text or email several times a day. We were talking on the phone more but she has spent several weeks out of the country which cut that down(she did call me last night and said she may call today). She is the opposite of clingy (which is actually a very good tactic if you are trying to get me). I have gone out with several women and some are interesting to me, some are not, but she is the only one I have had a real physical response to. And sometimes she just says things that really connect with how I feel. I enjoy spending time with her, we have things in common, she has good energy, she seems real honest and above board, I think my close friends would probably like her. I did take her to a bbq with some friends. She hasn't been in a relationship for years, so yes, it would be like coming out again on some level to her family. You know when you are single your family can kind of ignore the fact that you are gay.

I really want to stay friends, actually I want to be more than friends. Or at least I would like to explore that option further. We only live a few hours apart, the problem is that she travels and is usually not at home. She is dedicated to her job and family, as am I. She has grand kids too and we both are involved in our gkids lives (it is not that easy to find in the lezzie community).

I am trying to stay open to others....it just seems like no one really "fits" in the same way. And to be honest, if I go out with someone I want to tell my "friends" about it. I don't want to tell her about it I want to go out with her!! She has invited me along on several travels with her but I haven't been able to go for my own reasons(work,family)....And she is always no pressure, if you can great, if not maybe next time. So some of it is scheduling problems...

I guess I am just ready for the next step and the next step is farther away then I want it to be. Trying to plan a weekend together in a few weeks. Guess we will see.

No, don't see many changes in cir****tances coming up other than I hope to get freed up at work and be able to take some time off and maybe can go somewhere with her. I guess I need to decide if I am interested in a long distance relationship...with limited face to face times...

thank you both for your responses...if you have any other thoughts please let me know, deb366

My current and really great love grew out of a an untenable, very long distance relationship (FL and NY).  We both had busy jobs without a lot of wiggle room.  We did make time to see each other but the cost emotionally and financially was high.  The key was our honesty.  We talked all the time about the issues and possible solutions.  Don't give up but continue to be realistic.  Try a weekend together; see how your feelings play out.

We live together now (3+ years after 2 years of long distance) but compromises were made.  I moved to NY; she commutes 3 hours a day. 

I do see potential....and the fact is that all of our children are grown(which I consider an advantage) and we don't live that far apart (two hours)....Also I can retire in 3-5 years (plan to one way or the other). But I am already living in the area I would prefer to stay in...

Wow from Florida to New York...and 3 hours a day commute...those are pretty major adjustments. But that is getting way ahead of myself

We both have baggage and a lot to still explore and work out...thanks Mst42 for the positive spin....just need to slow down....(not renting a Uhaul for now), just like to see some progress one way or the other...guess uncertainty about whether friend or more...is something I need to get more comfortable with...

deb366

MY GOODNESS!!   This is my post!!

I'm having the same issue, except that I'm a gay man, and sometimes I think that it is harder!!

I have this shall I say obsession of this guy at work.  I was introduced once, but I failed to make an impression because I still hide behind my being overweight (even though I'm no longer overweight!)

I acually weigh less than the guy that I'm interested, but I don't know what to say or do to "get the ball rolling".

I've only had a few dates in my entire life, but was ok with that because I felt that I was not "worthy" of anyone that I was attracted to.  As I stated above I hide behind a very overweight person.

Good luck in your shall I say quest?

Michael.

BTW - I NOW see myself as an attractive man, where before I did not.  That is step in the right direction.

Whoa Michael!

Watch out for work entanglements! Spoken from experience...they can be very exciting but a big pain when and if you break up (depending on the break up) unless you also are looking for a new job

18 months later I am still getting over my long term work relationship...it was good while it lasted...we could even carpool ...until she started sleeping with someone else at work, ewwww, messy.

Get out there and "practice" being the new man you are now....I actually have had the experience now of the women coming after me.....it is sort of new still and I don't always pick up on the vibe (think they are being friendly) and then yikes, next thing I know I am trying to figure out how to back out without hurting anybodies feelings. Try dating, try the internet...sometimes even friends setting you up can work out....Mr. Right will come along when you are ready....but practice will make you more sure of what it is you are looking for!

Best of luck to us both on our "quests"!!!


deb366

 No Work  Entanglements..this is a LGBT rule....!!!
Not if you don't want to feel reeely bad and stupid about yourself when it ends.
Deb my experience with work lover ended the same way...mine began sleeping with a man who worked there with us...ugly!

I also have grown children!

Since we live in MA Pat and I were able to marry right after the decision was made to allow gay marriage. What a trip.
I too missed many......well a few messages from womyn who were attracted..(i guess)..my excuse is I came out late and was not used to HOW IT WORKED...

Yikes Jude! Sounds like we have some things in common....good grown children...bad...work relationships. Mine slept with my 'straight' intern. OH MY GOD!! And people at work just did not get it...she got another job finally and now my life is getting somewhat back to normal.

The other work relationship I had was only someone I saw occasionally at work but I had two people sending me flowers and stuff....got alittle confusing. Did learn pretty fast that I was not cut out for two relationships at a time...you never get to sleep!! That was in my younger days though....now more mature....more full of bs.

PS. My 'quest' hasn't shut me out yet