No support from my girlfriend

So, my girlfriend and I are both overweight.  She is probably somewhere in the 325 pound range (she will not tell me her weight) and I am at 280 right now.  When I initially told her about desire to have RNY she never really said anything.  She has made mention that she believes i'll probably leave her when I lose weight-- I try to reassure her this is not true.  

Since being approved for the loans (my insurance does not cover bariatric surgery) and since I have been attending my pre-op appointments I have had NO support from her at all.  She did not even fake being excited when I was approved for the loans. 

Even now (i'm about to get my surgery date) she makes comments about how she is concerned i'll have problems paying for back the loans (even though I have my parents support if needed).  I ask her straight out if she does not want me to have the surgery and she says, "that's not the point". 

My only support at this time are my family members (thank goodness I have them!) but it would be nice to have hers too.   

Ya know, I didn't have my hubby's support until I got to the hospital and he saw how much I was going thru to have the surgery. I had 5 people trying to get an IV in me. Tons of needle sticks. He knows how much I hate needles. He got better after that. Try to talk to her and see what is going on in her head. It might help both of you. When she says, that's not the point, ask her what is the point?

I think she is afraid that you will lose the weight and leave her behind.  That happens a lot to people not losing the weight.   Unfortunately this needs to be your journey for health, happiness and well being so try to be positive and not let anyone rain on your parade!!! 

Sorry to hear this, I know where you are coming from. My Partner was pretty supportive at first. He never would go to any of my appointments or support meetings. He was great during my recovery, then as the weight started coming off he kept saying things getting upset when I went to the gym. I have always been larger than him I think he is worried I am going to leave him once I lost my weight. I still have no support, now all I hear is that I am too skinny I should not loose any more weight I should gain some. I am not at goal yet I my BMI is in the normal range by 2 pounds so I am in no way too skinny. I did this for my health and no one elses. I know that I am not looking for a bf or anything like that and if he has issues with my weight loose he is going to have to find a way of dealing with it. I have enough support from his sister and my family. Good luck and hang in there, I hope she comes around.

Jeff

This is such a difficult journey to take, and it's made even more difficult by the lack of support.  I've been in relationships in the past where I've lost a lot of weight and the relationship deterioriated really quickly. 

In retrospect, I can see that there were other problems with the relatioinships and when I changed and my partner didn't change with me - it just brought all of this other crap right to the surface. 

I've had really good couples therapy in the past.  If your girlfriend is willing - it could really help.  If she's not, then I would try like hell to keep the communication between the two of you as open and honest as possible.

Good Luck!  You've got my support!

Nadine

 I feel so fortunate that my partner is so supportive of my WLS.  However, she decided to lose some weight (she only needed to lose about 20 pounds) so I wouldn't get skinnier than her.  LOL!  She also wanted me to be healthier and that's been our focus.

Is there a chance your partner would be willing or able to also have WLS?  Then this could become a mutual journey which could strengthen your relationship.  I agree with some of the others who have responded to your post.  You gotta talk to her and both of you need to be really honest.  I hope there is enough comfort between the two of you to be able to do this.  Or maybe this is a good time to see if you can develop a deeper, more open relationship.

I wish you the very best on this new journey.  We are all here to help you out.

Aloha,
Barb

Thanks to all for the encouraging words!!

Aww that sucks. :(  Change is tough, and I am sure its even harder when it feels like you are being *left behind*.

"I ask her straight out if she does not want me to have the surgery and she says, "that's not the point".

I had a girlfriend who said almost the exact same thing some years back, the *point* it turned out was that weight was a major bonding/shared thing (as she saw it anyway) in our relationship. Me changing that by losing weight (when she had not) was akin to sleeping around around on her, and in fact I am sure she would have handled infidelity better than me losing weight. If you already have issues (which I am sure she does given that she won't tell you her weight) someone getting EVEN BETTER than you has to be tough. So I feel for her as well.

That said, my marriage now has taught me that the happier I am the happier and better my partner and relationship is. When we met I was around 240 and she was a size 34 waist...it was hard to get past my own *issues* and I didn't believe her when she said size didnt matter and blah blah blah. I still give her the eyebrow when she goes on about those things

Fortunately for me she is smarter and more patient....well ok maybe not smarter AS SMART (she will prolly read this and I can't have her thinking she is the smart one cuz then I would lose my only advantage :P ) I have come to see that her way is the better way to approach things. The more I hold her up and support her and what she needs the better my life is. When I get on one of my *I suck I'm fat ugly and worthless* kicks (and Jeebus do I ever) I have a tendency to be harder and less supportive of her and the things she needs. Its not intentional, and its certainly not because I don't love her. I just sort of get absorbed in my own misery and it gets hard to seperate what I think of MYSELF from what SHE thinks/feels whatever about me. Its selfi****s detrimental to her and me, and sometimes I just can't help it (yes, you can in fact get your head so wedged up your own butt you have no concept of anything else lol).

Take care of yourself and your own happiness, she will come around and be what you need, or she won't and you will have some decisions to make. I wish you the best and I hope that she does come around to giving you the support you crave from her.

Sounds like my relationship when I was going through the surgery. They DO say this surgery and the fast changes we go through will make a bad relationship worse and a good relationship better...What do you truly have? Might she be jealous that she wont lose the weight, she will be scared you will leave her - its natural - but she also needs to know if she LOVES you...she will want YOU HAPPY AND HEALTHY and in order fot hat - she needs to support your goals. If this is a goal and I knwo it is - stick to it and stick around the people that are positive about it for you! Congrats for making this choice, WOOOHOOO for the loans, and go get 'em girl!!! We're here for you!!!

You know, my husband was sort of supportive but when the weight started to come off, he became this clingy person.  Even now, he is sort of suspicious of me.  I tell him that there is no way that I'm looking for another man; that once his ass bites the dust, I'm going solo.  HA! 

Seriously, I can only tell you that if your partner isn't supportive, then you must surround yourself with those who are.  I am by no means suggesting that you end your relationship, but you must come to terms with the lack of support and her insecurities.  We go through so many changes after wls, that the last thing we need is stress from our loved ones. At least let her know that you are having the surgery, you are going to suceed, and you will always love her, and if she isn't going to support you, you don't want her making life hard. 

Do you think she would ever have wls?