How do I help my partner understand?
Ever since I had my consult with the surgeon, my partner is obsessed with what I won't be able to have after surgery. She brought home M & M's the other day. She made fried cabbage (made with bacon grease) and bought Klondike bars yesterday. I'm losing weight, but I'm having a hard time refusing the things she brings me. I keep telling her that I appreciate what she's trying to do, but I don't want to eat like that any more. I figure if I start now with good habits, they'll be easier to keep after surgery. She's very supportive, she reads the things I suggest, she goes to appointments with me and she (like me) can't wait to go to Cedar Point! How do I help her understand without hurting her feelings?
Stephanie
Hi,
What is Cedar Point?
My partner and I had the same issues pre-operatively (and perhaps starting up again 8 months post-op out of fear that I am getting too thin --- translation = getting to her weight I think). I believe it boils down to that both of us had to learn the new "rules". Before surgery, my partner spent alot of time buying and making foods I liked. When we went out to dinner, she would ask over and over if I wanted some of her dinner. She still does every so often. She would ask if what I ordered was enough food . . . did it to me last night when out to eat. Just like your partner, she went to all appointments, read paperwork and watched lots of the Discovery Health shows. But, most importantly, we talked honestly about my feeling many times. I pointed out each worrisome behavior . . . not always gently since I needed to have these changes occur in order to be successful post-operatively. Slowly during the 6 month pre-operative "diet" (I did not really lose weight), she started to make changes. We both had to learn the new way of eating and it turns out we were "good" at different aspects of the process. She helped me "give-up" orange juice. I focused on portion size. We still each tend to focus on parts of the lifestyle change. She makes my "lunch" for the day; I make us go to the gym and try non-butter, non-oil cooked recipes.
Post-operatively, all of the mildly sabotaging behavior stopped. I think the regimented post-operative diet, "dumping episodes" and turned-away food due to being full were natural reinforcers.
I guess what I am saying is that you have to be honest even if it hurts her feelings. It naturally gets better after surgery and it is a learning process for both individuals.
And truthfully, you may choose to have some of those things post-op, just in a very limited quantity and with mindfulness.
Meg
What is Cedar Point?
My partner and I had the same issues pre-operatively (and perhaps starting up again 8 months post-op out of fear that I am getting too thin --- translation = getting to her weight I think). I believe it boils down to that both of us had to learn the new "rules". Before surgery, my partner spent alot of time buying and making foods I liked. When we went out to dinner, she would ask over and over if I wanted some of her dinner. She still does every so often. She would ask if what I ordered was enough food . . . did it to me last night when out to eat. Just like your partner, she went to all appointments, read paperwork and watched lots of the Discovery Health shows. But, most importantly, we talked honestly about my feeling many times. I pointed out each worrisome behavior . . . not always gently since I needed to have these changes occur in order to be successful post-operatively. Slowly during the 6 month pre-operative "diet" (I did not really lose weight), she started to make changes. We both had to learn the new way of eating and it turns out we were "good" at different aspects of the process. She helped me "give-up" orange juice. I focused on portion size. We still each tend to focus on parts of the lifestyle change. She makes my "lunch" for the day; I make us go to the gym and try non-butter, non-oil cooked recipes.
Post-operatively, all of the mildly sabotaging behavior stopped. I think the regimented post-operative diet, "dumping episodes" and turned-away food due to being full were natural reinforcers.
I guess what I am saying is that you have to be honest even if it hurts her feelings. It naturally gets better after surgery and it is a learning process for both individuals.
And truthfully, you may choose to have some of those things post-op, just in a very limited quantity and with mindfulness.
Meg
Wow, this is a complicated one! My thought is that (like coming out) this process (WLS) does not only affect one person. Those close to you go through something, too. Often we are the ones real clear about things; others, a little fuzzy.
I am pre-surg and to be OK'd for surgery need to lose 25 lbs., minimum. Easy right? My partner is the one who from day one was totally behind encouraging me to go for surgery. He is my rock. But he is an AMAZING cook. And he comes from a huge Italian family where his identity is being the grande chef, and food = love. So like your partner, he encorages me one moment and the next moment he's making killer lasagna. It's almost like by my turning away from food he interprets it as turning away from him - even though he wants me healthy and, I guess, more attractive.
So, hang in there. She loves you. She's just having some internal conflict. Just like we cannot control the world via food, we cannot control our partner's process. Just like they need to be there for us, we need to be there for them. It's too corny, but what gets me through all the challenges we face in our LBGT lives are the immortal words of the Captain and Tennille, "Love Will Keep Us Together!"
I am pre-surg and to be OK'd for surgery need to lose 25 lbs., minimum. Easy right? My partner is the one who from day one was totally behind encouraging me to go for surgery. He is my rock. But he is an AMAZING cook. And he comes from a huge Italian family where his identity is being the grande chef, and food = love. So like your partner, he encorages me one moment and the next moment he's making killer lasagna. It's almost like by my turning away from food he interprets it as turning away from him - even though he wants me healthy and, I guess, more attractive.
So, hang in there. She loves you. She's just having some internal conflict. Just like we cannot control the world via food, we cannot control our partner's process. Just like they need to be there for us, we need to be there for them. It's too corny, but what gets me through all the challenges we face in our LBGT lives are the immortal words of the Captain and Tennille, "Love Will Keep Us Together!"
Great questions!
This was something my partner Z and I had to really talk from the heart about. One of her issues about me having the surgery (8 months ago) was her fear of losing some of the things we did around food that connect us. Celebrating a Friday after work with pasta and wine or icecream after a movie. Or hell, even popcorn at the movie or snacks while we were watching TV. The fears were three fold.
The first was she was afraid she would have to give up what she likes in order for me not to feel bad. She was afraid of loss and if not the loss then the guilt of she can have it and I can't.
Secondly, she was afraid I would make her life hell with bemoaning what I could no longer have.
Third, she was afraid that we would lose that line of connection through those activities. That she would lose the ability to show love through surprising me with ice cream or a box of chocolates.
The first step was for us to recognize what we were having to give up and for her to voice these things.
The second step was for us to practice what it would be like after surgery before it happened, for me to start showing her that some of her fears were unfounded. That meant I had to make sure she had a way to get the foods she liked without her feeling like I was missing out which meant I had to be as happy as possible with my healthier choices. We had to practice having a good time at a restaurant, still celebrating but with just different food choices for me and smaller portions.
Last I had to teach her how to show love with gifts and surprises that weren't food related.
And you are absolutely right... the sooner you start this retraining for both of you, the easier it will be after surgery. We had seven months before my surgery to work on it. With both of us giving our *******ost 53 pounds. But more important, I got to see the true level of support she was willing to give me. The trust was built that she would not try to unwittingly sabotage me after surgery and she could trust me not to make her feel bad for her choices. And yes, we still work on it. Old habits die hard and sometimes things still come up ... but rarely now.
And let her know that eventually there will be some of the things you will be able to have back. SF chocolate rather than the sugar, skinny lattes, more variety of foods but they will be after you are well on your way, after many things have changed, only occasionally and then they will actually mean more.
You can let her know now that even though we are raised to believe love = food... that you want to explore all the other options that spell l.o.v.e. Let her know how much a note left for you means, how a rose from the gas station is better than M&M's, how doing something around the house that you normally do is waaaay better than fried cabbage. Let her know that buying you a new SF flavored water mix like the Propel packets means more to you than a Klondike bar.
Most of all find out what her fears are... because all sabotage behavior comes from fear... all resistance, all anger, all passive/aggressive behavior comes from fear. Once you both know what both your fears are, you can set about addressing. Maybe she's simply afraid that you'll lose all this weight and leave her. That's frequently the basis for a lot of the fears for couples around weight loss.
The more you can do to explore both your fears and concerns, reassure each other not only with words but with actions, and agree to explore different ways of expressing and receiving love, the better it's going to be... not only for your weight loss but for your longterm relationship.
I'm now down to 125 pounds, 16 pounds less than Z weighs now. Instead of chocolates as a gift, she picks me up and gives me a piggy back ride around the living room. Waaaay better than chocolate.
This was something my partner Z and I had to really talk from the heart about. One of her issues about me having the surgery (8 months ago) was her fear of losing some of the things we did around food that connect us. Celebrating a Friday after work with pasta and wine or icecream after a movie. Or hell, even popcorn at the movie or snacks while we were watching TV. The fears were three fold.
The first was she was afraid she would have to give up what she likes in order for me not to feel bad. She was afraid of loss and if not the loss then the guilt of she can have it and I can't.
Secondly, she was afraid I would make her life hell with bemoaning what I could no longer have.
Third, she was afraid that we would lose that line of connection through those activities. That she would lose the ability to show love through surprising me with ice cream or a box of chocolates.
The first step was for us to recognize what we were having to give up and for her to voice these things.
The second step was for us to practice what it would be like after surgery before it happened, for me to start showing her that some of her fears were unfounded. That meant I had to make sure she had a way to get the foods she liked without her feeling like I was missing out which meant I had to be as happy as possible with my healthier choices. We had to practice having a good time at a restaurant, still celebrating but with just different food choices for me and smaller portions.
Last I had to teach her how to show love with gifts and surprises that weren't food related.
And you are absolutely right... the sooner you start this retraining for both of you, the easier it will be after surgery. We had seven months before my surgery to work on it. With both of us giving our *******ost 53 pounds. But more important, I got to see the true level of support she was willing to give me. The trust was built that she would not try to unwittingly sabotage me after surgery and she could trust me not to make her feel bad for her choices. And yes, we still work on it. Old habits die hard and sometimes things still come up ... but rarely now.
And let her know that eventually there will be some of the things you will be able to have back. SF chocolate rather than the sugar, skinny lattes, more variety of foods but they will be after you are well on your way, after many things have changed, only occasionally and then they will actually mean more.
You can let her know now that even though we are raised to believe love = food... that you want to explore all the other options that spell l.o.v.e. Let her know how much a note left for you means, how a rose from the gas station is better than M&M's, how doing something around the house that you normally do is waaaay better than fried cabbage. Let her know that buying you a new SF flavored water mix like the Propel packets means more to you than a Klondike bar.
Most of all find out what her fears are... because all sabotage behavior comes from fear... all resistance, all anger, all passive/aggressive behavior comes from fear. Once you both know what both your fears are, you can set about addressing. Maybe she's simply afraid that you'll lose all this weight and leave her. That's frequently the basis for a lot of the fears for couples around weight loss.
The more you can do to explore both your fears and concerns, reassure each other not only with words but with actions, and agree to explore different ways of expressing and receiving love, the better it's going to be... not only for your weight loss but for your longterm relationship.
I'm now down to 125 pounds, 16 pounds less than Z weighs now. Instead of chocolates as a gift, she picks me up and gives me a piggy back ride around the living room. Waaaay better than chocolate.
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
I feel really fortunate that my partner has been right there with me throughout my journey. I'm 2 months out from surgery and got stuck a couple of weeks ago because we were both craving salty snacks, and gorged ourselves on Wheat Thins and chips. We now are back on track, mainly because I just had a fill and would hurl if I ate them. When I was preparing for surgery, she started to work on her own weight and lost 17 pounds cuz she didn't want me to get skinnier than her. And she has expressed concerns that I'll leave her when I get down to my goal weight. But the good thing is that we are working on a healthier diet together and it makes all the difference. I know I'll be able to talk to her if she starts to do things that are counter productive. If it hurts her feelings, I'll be sorry for it but she'll get over it and realize the error of her ways. I wish you the best and hope your partner will get what you are needing and support you with some of the things Lady Raven suggested.
Aloha!
Lap band 03/09; revised to RNY 01/12
Read about my journey at www.journeyofafatwoman.wordpress.com
Read about my journey at www.journeyofafatwoman.wordpress.com
Just to get this out of the way first.... yeah I can't wait to go to Cedar Point! I will probably go as a present to myself when I'm all done.
I don't have quite enough info here to really give you some advice but I will try to make a few conclusions from what you've written.
If your partner has always brought you home things like this and has cooked for you in the past and is continuing to do these things after you tell her that you need to avoid these things she is just doing what she has always done and it's her nature. I think it's really hard to change someone's nature without hurting their feelings or breaking their spirit.
If she has just started doing these things and has never done them before, that's quite a bit more complicated. But my guess is that she is doing them because she is scared and is having problems with your choice. The best way to solve this is with communication. Everything here is a choice. She is making the choice to buy you these things knowing you need to avoid them. Why is she making that choice? I think once you address that issue you may find the answers you're looking for. But this might not be the case at all. Like I said it's very hard to go beyond the basics of telling you to just talk to her and try to impress upon her the importance of good eating habits and why you're making this choice. With some people you can tell them until your voice has gone raw and the just won't get it until they come up with the idea all on their own.
And just to make things clearer, I had a talk with my doctor the other day and he told me that sugar is not an absolute no no. He called it the "sweet 16." No more than 16g of sugar per meal. I think that is quite a lot if you ask me. But other surgeons have their own guidelines... some say 12, others say less and some might even say more.
I don't have quite enough info here to really give you some advice but I will try to make a few conclusions from what you've written.
If your partner has always brought you home things like this and has cooked for you in the past and is continuing to do these things after you tell her that you need to avoid these things she is just doing what she has always done and it's her nature. I think it's really hard to change someone's nature without hurting their feelings or breaking their spirit.
If she has just started doing these things and has never done them before, that's quite a bit more complicated. But my guess is that she is doing them because she is scared and is having problems with your choice. The best way to solve this is with communication. Everything here is a choice. She is making the choice to buy you these things knowing you need to avoid them. Why is she making that choice? I think once you address that issue you may find the answers you're looking for. But this might not be the case at all. Like I said it's very hard to go beyond the basics of telling you to just talk to her and try to impress upon her the importance of good eating habits and why you're making this choice. With some people you can tell them until your voice has gone raw and the just won't get it until they come up with the idea all on their own.
And just to make things clearer, I had a talk with my doctor the other day and he told me that sugar is not an absolute no no. He called it the "sweet 16." No more than 16g of sugar per meal. I think that is quite a lot if you ask me. But other surgeons have their own guidelines... some say 12, others say less and some might even say more.
Cedar Point is a theme park in Ohio! I want to ride the roller coasters!
Thank you all for your advice! I will continue talking to her constantly and learning together. It seems to be a learning curve. I need to learn how to say "no thank you" a little better, too! I look forward to hearing more from you!
Thank you all for your advice! I will continue talking to her constantly and learning together. It seems to be a learning curve. I need to learn how to say "no thank you" a little better, too! I look forward to hearing more from you!
Stephanie
What a great goal.. I love Cedar Point. And I love Rollar Coasters..
This will be a journey for both you and her. And it takes a lot of learning and growing before and after surgery. Just keep talking to her, and being honest. Honety should help avoid hurt feelings.
Good luck!
This will be a journey for both you and her. And it takes a lot of learning and growing before and after surgery. Just keep talking to her, and being honest. Honety should help avoid hurt feelings.
Good luck!
I have found a new way of life that has kept me at Goal since 2008.. And keeping it that way!
Your partner sounds like my hubby. I think, although I may be wrong, but our significant others are afraid of our success. My husband still thinks that I am going to leave him, which will never happen, he makes way too much money to toss to the side. LOL. Anyway, they try to get us to go backward and that is harmful for us. You will have to have a heart to heart to tell her that you love her and will not every undergrow her. It's so hard on our loved ones when we shrink and are no longer the largest in the room. Hell, I was the largest in town.
Good luck and I hope you are able to help her to understand.
My partner and I both had surgery about 5 weeks apart so it was a learning curve for both of us. What we did learn is that surgery certainly doesnt get rid of the issues with in your head. Maybe reminding her that you want to grow old with her and that this is something that even without her having surgery she and you can find a common ground with food.
Good luck
Good luck
Jennifer
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