Maintaining
Hi All... it's been a while since I've posted anything here other than comments on others' posts. Lots of reasons as my life is going about 90 mph these days. So much is going on that I've been afraid is going to affect my weight loss/maintenance. Now I'm thinking it's going to be okay.
This morning I'm four-tenths of a pound below my goal. My goal is not static. I want to stay between 124 and 126 (with goal being 125). I've been doing that pretty well now for most of April and all of May.
I've been recalled from our work at home program so that means on June 1st I'll be going back to the hospital to work and doing something different than I've been doing for the last many, many years. This is a HUGE change in my routine. It will require taking my breakfast, lunch and dinner to work every day. I'll be working from 7 a.m. until early afternoon and then going to my second job and working until 6 p.m. Then I'll have my gym time after work every day. Timing eating is going to be crucial. It means getting really organized and consistent. There are so many more temptations at the hospital than here at home.
I am also getting ready to go to DC next week for the TAPS conference. This is six days away from home, eating out, irregular schedule, grief work, tours, constant energy expenditure. I'm both very excited about going and also have a lot of conflicting emotions and concerns around it.
I am also really busy with planning the Memorial Run for my son's birthday in August. We are planning it to be very large. Our vision is 100 bikes riding a couple of hours to the Russian River area, poker run to raise money for TAPS, raffle prizes, silent auction, food... well, big. I've been designing run pins and it's just a lot of work... good work and I'm loving it but it's also very scary because I've not done anything like it before. Fortunately I have a wonderful woman doing a website for us (at no cost) and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are getting involved.
In all of this, my point is, my focus is moving away from only concentrating on weight loss and my surgery status and, after a year or so, back into life on the outside. This is a bit (read hugely) frightening. Because I know how easy it is to slip. Even now, I push the envelope, trying new foods, eating sometimes more than I should, having a glass of wine when out to dinner. I am weighing every day and I'm right where I want to be but I have to be so careful. Am I on my way back to obesity or am I learning to eat in the real world again?
I've spent the last year myopically focused on trying to be compliant with every little thing, feeling miserable and guilty when I haven't, struggling with finding the window for exercise, being honest with myself, finding the balance of things I can eat so I don't feel deprived to the point of binging... binging on very rare occasions to test that and being in extreme pain and learning from it, seeing what I can and cannot get away with (read incorporate back into my life as realistic) and at this point, I'm really wanting to start living normally again and ... wondering if that exists for me anymore.
I'm pretty happy with my body at this point. Except for the fact that I look like my grandma (well not quite because she's dead but how most thin grannys look). I'm down from a size 22 to a size 6. I'm at my goal which I never believed possible. I have more energy and less hunger now that I'm doing a protein shake midmorning (against my surgeon's advice because damnit it's working and I'm going to keep doing it). I'm not snacking on food but I am sucking on sugar-free hard candy throughout the day because I have an oral fixation and I'm not going to start smoking again after 13 years quit and it keeps me from putting food in my mouth. I am chewing gum again because it helps for the same reason but being extremely careful not to swallow it. I am doing better on my water intake and I'm going to begin going to the gym after I get back from DC.
So that's my update, my progress, and my struggle. I feel like the weight loss was so much easier than this place I find myself in now. This feels like the dangerous place. This is the place where many of my friends fell back into the deep abyss that took them back to beyond their starting point with obesity. I don't want to be a 30% statistic.
The challenged has changed now and I need to change my mentality with it. I am both the doer and the observer and I have to keep paying good attention.
Hugz Y'all ~
This morning I'm four-tenths of a pound below my goal. My goal is not static. I want to stay between 124 and 126 (with goal being 125). I've been doing that pretty well now for most of April and all of May.
I've been recalled from our work at home program so that means on June 1st I'll be going back to the hospital to work and doing something different than I've been doing for the last many, many years. This is a HUGE change in my routine. It will require taking my breakfast, lunch and dinner to work every day. I'll be working from 7 a.m. until early afternoon and then going to my second job and working until 6 p.m. Then I'll have my gym time after work every day. Timing eating is going to be crucial. It means getting really organized and consistent. There are so many more temptations at the hospital than here at home.
I am also getting ready to go to DC next week for the TAPS conference. This is six days away from home, eating out, irregular schedule, grief work, tours, constant energy expenditure. I'm both very excited about going and also have a lot of conflicting emotions and concerns around it.
I am also really busy with planning the Memorial Run for my son's birthday in August. We are planning it to be very large. Our vision is 100 bikes riding a couple of hours to the Russian River area, poker run to raise money for TAPS, raffle prizes, silent auction, food... well, big. I've been designing run pins and it's just a lot of work... good work and I'm loving it but it's also very scary because I've not done anything like it before. Fortunately I have a wonderful woman doing a website for us (at no cost) and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are getting involved.
In all of this, my point is, my focus is moving away from only concentrating on weight loss and my surgery status and, after a year or so, back into life on the outside. This is a bit (read hugely) frightening. Because I know how easy it is to slip. Even now, I push the envelope, trying new foods, eating sometimes more than I should, having a glass of wine when out to dinner. I am weighing every day and I'm right where I want to be but I have to be so careful. Am I on my way back to obesity or am I learning to eat in the real world again?
I've spent the last year myopically focused on trying to be compliant with every little thing, feeling miserable and guilty when I haven't, struggling with finding the window for exercise, being honest with myself, finding the balance of things I can eat so I don't feel deprived to the point of binging... binging on very rare occasions to test that and being in extreme pain and learning from it, seeing what I can and cannot get away with (read incorporate back into my life as realistic) and at this point, I'm really wanting to start living normally again and ... wondering if that exists for me anymore.
I'm pretty happy with my body at this point. Except for the fact that I look like my grandma (well not quite because she's dead but how most thin grannys look). I'm down from a size 22 to a size 6. I'm at my goal which I never believed possible. I have more energy and less hunger now that I'm doing a protein shake midmorning (against my surgeon's advice because damnit it's working and I'm going to keep doing it). I'm not snacking on food but I am sucking on sugar-free hard candy throughout the day because I have an oral fixation and I'm not going to start smoking again after 13 years quit and it keeps me from putting food in my mouth. I am chewing gum again because it helps for the same reason but being extremely careful not to swallow it. I am doing better on my water intake and I'm going to begin going to the gym after I get back from DC.
So that's my update, my progress, and my struggle. I feel like the weight loss was so much easier than this place I find myself in now. This feels like the dangerous place. This is the place where many of my friends fell back into the deep abyss that took them back to beyond their starting point with obesity. I don't want to be a 30% statistic.
The challenged has changed now and I need to change my mentality with it. I am both the doer and the observer and I have to keep paying good attention.
Hugz Y'all ~
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
Raven, it seems like we are always in the same boat!!
I don't know how it is for others but for me I would much rather have a schedule like yours. Ok, maybe not the long crazy work hours ..but the consistency of a lunch break(s). Me sitting home all day is NOT good for maintaining. I'm bored. I'm kid-less till 3pm so I'm either on the computer, cleaning, or running errands. I feel sometimes like I'm always 'starving'. So I hope your new schedule works out for the best for you!
I also sometimes test my pouch to make sure it's still 'working' right. As you read from my Facebook status the other day I ate till it hurt. Didn't even mean too but even though the pain sucked, I was happy it was still there. But not for long. I felt hungry an hour or so later. Ugh.
And you don't look like a Grandma. I know, I know. I think you are beautiful. You look so young and fresh.
I don't know how it is for others but for me I would much rather have a schedule like yours. Ok, maybe not the long crazy work hours ..but the consistency of a lunch break(s). Me sitting home all day is NOT good for maintaining. I'm bored. I'm kid-less till 3pm so I'm either on the computer, cleaning, or running errands. I feel sometimes like I'm always 'starving'. So I hope your new schedule works out for the best for you!
I also sometimes test my pouch to make sure it's still 'working' right. As you read from my Facebook status the other day I ate till it hurt. Didn't even mean too but even though the pain sucked, I was happy it was still there. But not for long. I felt hungry an hour or so later. Ugh.
And you don't look like a Grandma. I know, I know. I think you are beautiful. You look so young and fresh.
Thanks Brooke for helping me feel not so alone. I know there are people who are just starting on this journey or are in the thrills of loss right now and I don't want to scare anyone or bring anyone down about what can be waiting at the end of the rainbow... but on the other hand, while I express where I am, I hope people will understand that goal weight is not the be all and end all... the work continues until the ultimate weight loss (death). LOL... sorry I'm twistedly morbid.
I recently got a medical ID bracelet... not only to hopefully prevent some ER tech from blowing through my pouch with an NG tube but more so to remind me that this work continues... every day. It's not pretty (couldn't affored the really pretty one) and I don't particularly like wearing it but it reminds me to stay awake.
And yes, I still test my pouch. I am sometimes dismayed what I can get away with, I also try to remember that it is sufficient to keep me aware and hopefully not go back to the old ways.
I do find the busier I am, the less I tend to want to snack. It's going to be a fine line to walk though... staying organized.
And I'm terrified to get into the gym but I know it's time. May 28th!
I recently got a medical ID bracelet... not only to hopefully prevent some ER tech from blowing through my pouch with an NG tube but more so to remind me that this work continues... every day. It's not pretty (couldn't affored the really pretty one) and I don't particularly like wearing it but it reminds me to stay awake.
And yes, I still test my pouch. I am sometimes dismayed what I can get away with, I also try to remember that it is sufficient to keep me aware and hopefully not go back to the old ways.
I do find the busier I am, the less I tend to want to snack. It's going to be a fine line to walk though... staying organized.
And I'm terrified to get into the gym but I know it's time. May 28th!
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
I found several sites that had pretty ID bracelets for like $30. I was surpised. I plan on getting one too. Actually I might go with an anklet.
What did yours say? I found an example one and it says this:
JOHN SMITH
GASTRIC BYPASS 7/06
NO BLIND NG TUBE / NSAIDS
816-555-5555 DR.
What does the NSAIDS stand for??
What did yours say? I found an example one and it says this:
JOHN SMITH
GASTRIC BYPASS 7/06
NO BLIND NG TUBE / NSAIDS
816-555-5555 DR.
What does the NSAIDS stand for??
Mine was $30 but with express shipping it was like $55.
Anklets tend to not be noticed in ER's... really either a necklace or bracelet is best.
Mine says:
Raven Bren
RNY Bypass
the on the inside it says:
RNY Gastric Bypass
9/29/08
No blind NG tube
No NSAID's
Dehydration risk
NSAID's stands for nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (aspirin, etc).
Anklets tend to not be noticed in ER's... really either a necklace or bracelet is best.
Mine says:
Raven Bren
RNY Bypass
the on the inside it says:
RNY Gastric Bypass
9/29/08
No blind NG tube
No NSAID's
Dehydration risk
NSAID's stands for nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (aspirin, etc).
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
I don't know what the schedule is like. I do know that on Monday (Memorial Day) evening, Beth and I are planning a bus tour around the city to the different memorials and sites. We are staying at the Gaylord National Hotel, 201 Waterfront Street, National Harbor, MD 20745 I don't know yet what the itinerary is yet. I would love to find some time to connect with you. Email me your phone number and I'll send you mine and we can try to work something out. THAT would be wonderful!!!!
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
Thanks Raven and everyone for putting the scary compliance issues out there.
I too am so afraid of being a statistic. I find myself exercising just a little less consistently (and willingly). I have allowed cravings to drive what I buy and then eat a bit more. I get scared when I can drink a whole V8 can in just a few minutes. I wonder about whether eating too fast is stretching my esophagus or stoma or even pouch because sometimes it hurts or the pouch does not seem to be working.
I have set a goal of 142, not for any real reason except normal BMI, but wonder if I am getting to a good permanent size. The surgeon never gave me a goal. I keep wondering if I really need a goal. My magical weight loss has essentially slowed to a few pounds per month. Without the scale reward will I keep up the work??? I think I do need a final weight range like Raven "to stay focused".
But, I am trying to be mindful. I need to distribute some pictures of me before in my life so I have a daily reminder.
I am glad that my feelings and experiences are similar to others.
Thanks for sharing, Meg
I too am so afraid of being a statistic. I find myself exercising just a little less consistently (and willingly). I have allowed cravings to drive what I buy and then eat a bit more. I get scared when I can drink a whole V8 can in just a few minutes. I wonder about whether eating too fast is stretching my esophagus or stoma or even pouch because sometimes it hurts or the pouch does not seem to be working.
I have set a goal of 142, not for any real reason except normal BMI, but wonder if I am getting to a good permanent size. The surgeon never gave me a goal. I keep wondering if I really need a goal. My magical weight loss has essentially slowed to a few pounds per month. Without the scale reward will I keep up the work??? I think I do need a final weight range like Raven "to stay focused".
But, I am trying to be mindful. I need to distribute some pictures of me before in my life so I have a daily reminder.
I am glad that my feelings and experiences are similar to others.
Thanks for sharing, Meg
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