Suggesting WLS

I wanted to get some feed back from you all. My sister in law is maybe 150-200 pounds over weight. When I was first looking into my surgery she said that if it work well for me she might look into. The last couple of months she has been really down about her weight and not feeling well. She has tried all kinds of diets and nothing works for her. She was in a REALLY bad marriage and I think eating helped her get through the day. That ended 4 years ago but she can't get the weight off. I have been close to talking with her about WLS, but at the same time she knows I am here and she can ask me and she knows I would support her 100%. Should I talk to her about this or wait and see if she comes to me. Her brother had RNY 4 years ago and he lost a lot of weight but not as much as he could have, he did not follow the rules. He found he could eat sweets and get by, now granted he was on the toilette when he was eating this because it went straight through him, that would have told me right there what are you doing???

I just wanted to get some feed back from this great forum because you guess rock!!

Jeff

That is a very tricky thing.  At times now I find people trying to compete with me on my weight loss and it bugs me to no end.   What I would suggest is that next time she says something about her weight, let her know you love her unconditionally and that if she ever wants to talk about weight loss or exercise you are there for her!  Give her a hug and move on to another topic!  her comfort zone will be more enhanced!  Blessings to you for being a good friend!

Sounds like the lady has had a lot to deal with... Has she actually dealt with it?????? Really or has she used food to self medicate??? I think the first step for her might be to visit a psychologist and get to the route of her problems. Then once she faces,, and deals with them surgery might be an answer for her.... But, I think from what you're saying that there might be more going on there then just a weight issue.

Just my thoughts...

I'm afraid I can't contribute here...I don't have many fat friends, and my mother would never consider the surgery.

Talking blind, though, I'd suggest just talking about the positive changes the surgery has made for you without suggesting she have it - help her get curious by gently showing the good changes its made for you.  Don't be obnoxious, and don't bring it up often - but just share when you can, when the conversation naturally lets you do so.

Here is my two cents......because I have friends that have similar situations as your sister-in-law and this is what I do and why I do it.

First of all, weightloss is her decision.  She knows that you have been through it, she can SEE what it has done for you, and when she is ready she will ask questions.  No matter how much YOU think that WLS could be good for her, it will not wor****il SHE is ready to make that decision.  If you push the topic and she enters into it prematurely, then she's going to look for someone to blame when it doesn't go right. 

So my advice to you.  Stay open, give unconditional love, and be supportive.  When/ IF she is ready to approach the topic of WLS she will come to you.  Then you can just give her the facts.  YOUR opinion should not be put out there.  If WLS is truly her answer, then it has to be an answer that she came to on her own decision.

I hope that makes since......and it is just my two cents.

I would only suggest it if she brings it up. If she's like "ugh, I hate being fat" or something along those lines than you could chime in with your success and how great you feel.

I carry a stack of my surgeons cards with me at all times.   I have no problem tactfully talking to people about it.  You can sense the vibe that people are interested in it.

Ha,,, I carry surgeons cards.. But, I carry the cards for the other surgeons in that office........ A little underhanded.. But, all the doctors are good.. I just dont want anymore competition to see mine..  Referral is a Referral is a Referral.. Right?????

One question I have that makes a difference in my answer is... does she see you face to face or is it a long-distance thing? Because if she hasn't seen you, she needs to... at least pictures. It's one thing to hear how well you are doing with your WLS but quite another to see the results. She needs to see the proof.

And she did say that if it went well for you, she might consider it. I agree it's not something you can push on her but I'm really open with my fat friends who are unhappy with their weight and just tell them that it's something to look into if they want to live longer and better. Two already have done so, one has had his surgery and the other has just started the preop process.

You might also just sit down and tell her that you love her and talk about the differentce between her brother's lack of success and your success and how the behavior makes a difference.

I am not of the mind that she has to work through all her past psych stuff for her to be successful. I agree that she has to face her demons and reasons why she got this way but seriously people, we don't need to pay someone $150 an hour to know that we overate because we were unhappy. Those of us who ate our way to one foot in the grave know exactly why we did and how. Once the weight starts coming off, many of those reasons disappear and the ones that don't become obvious once we "can't" eat our way out of our issues anymore and then we can deal with them. I just think we can get trapped into a therapeutic mode which keeps us from doing the work required to become healthy. There is a man in my support groups who has been doing the preop program for three years, not losing a single pound because he feels he needs to get to the bottom of all his psychological issues first. Bull****! Meanwhile he's dying. I spent years working on freaking issues, understand every reasons why I am the way I am and it wasn't until I said enough! is enough! and just did it that the changes really happened.

Phew, sorry for the soapbox... I'm just thinking that coddling her to avoid hurting her feelings is not doing her any favors. Just be honest and say I love you, I'm afraid you are going to die before we get a chance to be done with life and here is something that works. Don't hammer it home, just give it to her straight and then be here for her.

Just my thoughts on it... but I'm old and cranky and have little patience anymore for anything less than straight up and blunt.

just thinking back to where i was before making the decision to have wls...

honestly, i would have been resentful if you brought it up to me. i don't like feeling pushed, and i sincerely don't like when people think they have *the* answer. it brings up that icky feeling i get around some religious folks.

i become incensed when people assume that "but for a lack of information" i remain fat. you may think you know me, but you don't know me.

and then i'd go eat a pizza and fries just to show you.

LOL!

if she dwells on her weight and feels terrible -- and brings this to your attention, i think the best you can do is acknowledge and validate her feelings. you can do that in a way that's self-affirming, too, i.e. "grrrl, you-n-me both know what that's like! i remember feeling like that. it sucked feeling that way. i never thought i'd get it under control, etc."

put your feelings in the past tense, and if she wants more info... you've opened the door.

sal