OT: Thought I'd ask... my little brother is?

Hi All,

Okay... so let me start by saying... I hope I don't affend anyone by asking on this form.   I need help/guidance.  I have a 21 year old brother whom I've always suspected would be or is gay since the age of 12 or so.  In any case, my mother who is super religous... recently read a few of his text messages which were between him and a guy - apparently very explicit.  My mother calls me hesterically crying telling me my brother is gay... my first thought was... is this new news?   I'm an extremly open minded person.  I could really care less what he is... he's my little bro who I love tremendously.  Let me add - he's a senior about to graduate from USC on May 9th with a BA in accounting and international business as he speaks, reads and writes 35 languges fluently. Since he's been in college I felt his study habbits were very un-normal... I mean... constantly reading, ZERO personal life, no interest in friends wheather male or female, basically no real connection to the rest of the world besides books.  (I don't care who you are... a 21 year old male has to have hormones some sort of interest) Back to my mom... she immediatly starts to threaten to cancel all of the festivities we had planned for his big day, and tells me she can't have a gay son.  She refuses to be his mother. And will not attend his graduation.  I have pleaded with her to please let him get through finals before she goes and forces him to say out loud he is gay.   This is no time to be coming out of the closet...especially to a mother who would outcast you if anything was out of the norm.  For the time being she has agreed to at least let him get through finals before she would confront him about it....but she also swore me to secrecy as well till then.  He and I are close (so I thought... he's kept this from me) I really want to tell him that both mom and I know about his recent activities... I guess to try to help him gain composure and find a way to let mom know about his status (not sure if thats the right thing to say)... in his own way versus being confronted by the town cryers, preist and mommy .dearest.

If you have experience a similar scenerio with your own coming out or can offer any suggestions, I would highly appreciate it.  This has been one of the worst weeks ever... seeing him and trying so hard not say anything is really driving me crazy.  Especially when mom makes stupid snid remarks under her breath these days.

What's a sister to do?

Thank you kindly for your thoughts.

First I would make sure he knows what happened. He should not have to walk into what sounds like a major confutation unarmed. I can honestly tell you that if my mother would react like that I would not tell her. He may not even identify himself as a gay man. When I was in school I kept  to myself out of fear of being outed. After graduation I sort of bloomed into the person I am now. I had to answer to my grandparents for my tuition, car /insurance and spending money. I was fearful of losing that support before I graduated. I was very lucky that my family could have cared less. When I told my grandmother she looked at me and said "honey I have that for years where should we eat".

You also need to express to your brother that no matter what you love him and he is not responsible for your mother reaction. She may never come around and he will need you to help him through this. If he is getting explicit text messages I would not be to worried about his social life.

You know your mother really should not have been reading his text messages, he is a grown man. You also may wish to contact PFLAG http://www.pflag.com/ they are a great support network for family members.

Keep assuring him you love him and will always be on his side.

Best of Luck

Thank you for your reply....    its been a struggle to say the least!  Mom is now trying to crack the code to his computer when he's gone.  I think she's gone insane... cause everything from her mouth to me is ...well you always wanted a sister... you got your wish type of ****  I'm pleading with her daily - 1.  stope looking for details you really don't want to know about anyway.  2.  stop calling me about this subject.... it's ruining my whole thought proccess and now caused me to distant myself from him till his finals are finshed as I just can't be selfish and have him screw up on his finals this week.  

Thanks again!!

Definately let him know there's an issue - possibly "so did you intend for mom to find your text messages with X? cause she did and she's ballistic." (he's obviously a bright boy - must have at least a semiconcious idea that he'd like to get the issue out in the open.)

Then keep being a cool sister. Decide in advance what your boundaries are. What will you listen to from each party, what will you walk out on, what secrets will and won't you keep, and stick to your guns. Good luck!

I consistently hear that PFLAG is a great resource.

There is a recent lifetime movie out about someone and his religious mother.  I hope someone comes on and lets you know the name.  Might help!  Good luck!

The movie is "Prayers For Bobby" it's based on a book, I don't know where you would find the DVD though.

There is also a wonderful documentary called "For the Bible Tells Me So" that I would highly recommend for anyone, but especially a fierce fundamentalist!

Just remember the best thing you can do for him is continue to love him and tell him that you always will.

Both of these movies are excellent pieces on this subject. Prayers for Bobby with Sigourney Weaver tells a compelling story of a fundamentalist mom *****alized to late how much she loved her son and suffered from severing their relationship.

It sounds like your relationship with your brother is sound. I agree that you should meet him for dinner or coffee and discuss what you mother has found. I personally would encourage him to give her space and avoid any confrontation until after the graduation festivities. It sounds like they will need time to reshape their relationship. He sounds very intelligent and well versed. I am sure he has the ability to show her that he is no different than the son he was before she read the text messages.

One note, many times this takes time and is not an overnight event. You may have a role in making sure these two focus on the person and not the sexual act. Your love for both of them will carry a lot of weight i the coming months and years.

Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

 I agree with ohbearly.  I wish you the very best.

 Wow that's a bit of a pickle. He can't just make up something to tell your mother? Like duh, the texts were OBVIOUSLY JOKES? Something like that? If she's like you say she is I'd bet she would accept that as okay and just tell him to quit discussing that type of thing with other people and do some counseling with the priest or whatever. I'd lie through my ass if I were him until I got out of school and could just totally depend on myself. Anyway, just my two cents. Good luck with that, that has to be constantly stressful and awkward.

Your history could be  written by my sister. My mother kept for herself and my sister. And one day, on the middle of a discussion, she told me that she knew about me. And she said: " I despise you. Do you know what is to despise someone? I despise you."

That will hurt until my death... Even if she came around and treat my current boyfriend nicely.

My advice is... wait until he finished his obligations... and tell him about the situation and try to  solve the situation without causing lasting hard feelings.  I tell you every time i remember, hurts me.