A little sad today.....

During the past few days, I have been doing a lot of pondering about my life.  Seems like New Years Eve and my Birthday find me getting into a major funk/slump because my mind begins to wander and wonder about the what ifs...

Tomorrow I "celebrate" my 43rd birthday and at the moment, I am feeling so incredibly lousy about myself.  Did you ever feel as if you simply weren't "enough".  I don't feel good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, successful enough, etc.. 

Prior to surgery, I definitely didn't feel like I had any value.  After my surgery, my worked very hard to develop a better self esteem, a better self image.  Then, I lost tooo much weight.  (How is that possible???).  I got down to a pant size I was thrilled with (still wanted to go down one more).  I got down to a decent weight (still wanted to lose ten pounds)....but I ended up being threated by my family and my doctor....with the warnings of being put into the hospital with a feeding tube.
Now I have gained the weight (20 pounds) that the doctor wanted...and I can't fit into my thin pants.. I hate the flabby belly, fat legs, and saggy chest.  Plastics aren't an option...cost and cowardism...  I try to lose, but can't.  Needless to say, I just don't feel good about this.

Recently, I have begun a relationship (mentor) with a young man who has needed a father figure.  It has been incredible...but now I feel that I have lost such a major part of my life.  I used to dream of having my own David (from Torch Song Trilogy)...but knew I never would.   Now, I can feel the heat of fatherhood, but I can't sit next to the fire.  It feels okay, but at the same time it hurts because I want more.

Of course, my second cookbook has been published, but I have no interest  in marketing it.  Oh well, thanks for letting me rant...

now mr F....

I think you have put your finger on it..new years and birth day...they are ****** up as far as the interspection..son;t look back..look forward..

I have known you for going on what??? 3-4 years..I don;t see failure at all..Neurotic...maybe..but hell we are all neurotic..and obsessive, and compulsive...

don;t know if this will help anyone..but if we look at our life as a whole..it's too overwhelming...so segment it..and look at the pieces..

i'm I healtier now...yes

I'm I more productive///yes

do I have qualities that make the world a better place...yes..

all yes-no questions...no if's an's or but's...

gowd you are young..43...hell..you are in a good place..you just don;t see it.

love you my brother..

lets see pics of this new friend..

I know a lot of people are reading this thread and then casting around for the right thing to say.  I'm one of them - I read what you posted, and tried to figure out the right thing to reply with, trying not to sound like an empty cheerleader.  I can't find the right words.

You're writing books, your mentoring someone in need - solid, worthy contributions to the world and to your community.  But you're not allowing yourself to claim the honor that comes with those accomplishments - not the honor offered by the outside world, but the honor that you should towards yourself for doing good work.

Claim it, own it, make it yours.  Feel pride in yourself the way you'd feel for someone else doing these great things.  How?  I can't advise you on that - finding my own pride in my own accomplishments is something I'm having trouble with as well.  But if we could just respect our own accomplishments as much as we would respect them if they were performed by someone else - that seems the key. 

Daniel,

Each and every one of us that has had this type of surgery "go through it". We ALL go through exactly what you are now.

Day in and day out I am constantly second guessing myself and wondering if all of my decisions were the right ones.

Not a day goes by that I do not look at myself in the mirror and see the sad fat guy that I once was (and still am at times). I am glad that he is gone and yet I miss him so much.

Every day is a new day Daniel. I have read your posts and you are a sincere and well rounded guy. you are also a cutie!

I ended a 9 year relationship last year and that just about killed me. I knew th relationship had died a long time ago, but it was inally time for me to just let go of it. I truly wanted him to simply be happy. I knew that it was not me that could do that. It hurt like hell and there are days I just sit and cry uncontrollably.

However, a truly wonderful guy has come into my life and I could not be happier. I sometimes feel guilty, but I do not doubt my decisions.

Daniel, go with your heart. Forget the skin. Forget the years. Just be DANIEL.. Show this new guy the truest of love. If it is real, it WILL happen for you. I know this, cause it did for me.

You are my WLS buddy and a hottie at that.. Hold that head up high and walk out and tell the world that DANIEL IS HERE DAMNIT!!! 

Everyone above me has been so eloquent about the struggle to understand the "what ifs"; I don't think I can add anything meaningful.  But, I wanted you to know that more of us understand and support you! 

Ahh the rollar coaster of life... I wish I could do something to help you feel better.. But it comes from the inside.

But I can give you a BIG 

And a sloppy 

And if you need love and support.. Well me and the rest of the LGBT gang are always here..