havent been with no one in ten years !!!!!!

i cantbelieve i havent been with a man in ten years i guess my self esteem is worst then i thought ! but even loosing this weight so fari dont know if i will be able to be with someone im still so ashamed of my own body ! is theirany hope !

You bring up a good topic.... sex! lol.


You are not alone. Trust.


Many of us are in the same boat as you, and many perhaps even longer. It doesn't matter if someone is in a long term relationship...  or not. If one's self esteem is just not there, and with all the other complications and ramifications of weight in the LGBT community, then the sex and intimacy with someone else will not be there either.

I feel deeply that this will be a first step for you and many of us to  regain our youthful self esteem. It is not without justification that others speak of a new birthday once their surgery is complete.


This brings up a new topic... how to approach sex and intimacy post op with perspective partners.

Anyone?






Anyone?

Wish I could contribute to this conversation.

I had a fairly active sex life before my surgery - nothing ridiculous, but enough to keep me happy.  I only associated with "chasers" though, guys who were interested in my body type.  Sadly, though, they were only interested in my body.  Though the sex was good, it wasn't good for my self esteem long term, and I chose to break off all my friendships with the chasers I'd known before I took the big step.

Since then, I've been celibate.  I'd like to become sexually active again, but I feel like my body's in a transitional stage, and that I'm stuck in a place where I'm not conventionally attractive but that I'm too thin to attract a chaser.  Keep in mind, I'm at the 5 month point - my body's still changing like crazy. 

I'm actually trying to get out and socialize and form a new gay social circle, but so far I've been batting 0.  Either I'm not that interested in the social circles I'm finding, or I feel unwelcome by them.  I'm still feeling on the outside looking in at gay culture, with little luck breaking through.

Still trying, though.

Transitioning, if I can borrow that term from our Transezual sisters and brothers. 


I bet post op is alot like Transitioning in the sense that you are relearning your own body, relearning social norms within that body. It can be a fundamental change in many ways.


*contemplates*



I wonder, would post ops find it easier to date someone who has also gone through WLS, someone who shares simular dietary needs? 

An interesting question.  I'm not sure if sharing the same issues provides more intimacy or less.  I know that I have less patience for people that can't overcome a weakness I recognize in myself that I've gotten past.  I know that sounds awful, but but hell, it's true.  I think that's the same reason that ex-smokers have so little patience with smokers.

But by your statement, post-WLS people might do well dating each other - shared trials, experiences and tribulations.  An interesting thought...not that I've met many other guys in my age group in Los Angeles who've had the surgery. *sigh*

There are support forums here by state, but none gay centric. I bet there are allot more gays in LA who have had the WLS themselves....  the question is are there any local support networks for them?

Local support networks are important, as I have been reading that those who are engaged in support networks tend to keep the weight off in the long term.

Perhaps you can be the first to start one in your area? It shouldn't be too hard to do... just create a website in the local gay press and let folks find you, then schedule parties.  I hear its how the bears got started....



But furthermore, has anyone thought on when they should tell a perspective partner that they have had WLS? Is it something brought up on the first encounter, when its obvious you can't drink that beer just bought for you? Or do you weight until the day after and he's making you pancakes?

Yay!  I get to talk about sex again.  But first, Paul, I know how you feel.  I've been with plenty of nobodies in the past couple of years...    Thank you, thank.  Please try the veal.

Anyway, I never had a huge problem getting hook-ups or dates when I was bigger.  Like I said before, I knew I was fat.  But I also thought that I was a good-looking fat guy.  Either you were into that or you weren't.  I mean, I wasn't having bumper crops or anything, but I also was never in a drought.

Then I was in a relationship from March 2004 to September 2007.  It pretty much ended half way through the full length of it, about which time we stopped having sex.  I never cheated on him (I have never cheated on anyone and don't intend ever to do it.)  I admit, we both knew the relationship had been over for a while.  But, since the surgery, those pastures around me were getting much greener by the day and I wanted to get to some grazing.  So I ended it.

Immediately after, it was a good time for me.  I was a new person physically.  I was getting a lot of attention.  And although I usually am more of a relationship kind of guy, I knew that it wasn't a good time because 1) I had just ended an LTR and 2) I knew that I would be leaving the country permanenty in just a few months.

In a nutshell, I was a complete man-***** my last few months in the states, and the sex was better than I could have ever imagined.  My goodness, I was squeezed into positions I never thought possible.  I was persued by guys I never thought I could ever even have a chance with (a threesome with two guys in the Navy that spanned two different years, a muscle-god who was a complete disappointment in bed, and really hot small town country guy, himself two years out from having had RNY, who had me crawling up the damn walls!)

What were we talking about?  Oh, yeah...

Enough about my sexual history and onto the issues.  The way people think of you is really a reflection of how you think of yourself.  People are attracted to confidence.  Some even find it sexy.  Although I was always a fat guy, I made up for it in good self-esteem and self-assuredness.  I had a personality that, especially when I caught up to it physically, made me very successful.  Look in the mirror, dude.  You're a good looking guy.  But if you can't see it, how hard must it be for others to see it as well?

Now, on dating in the real world.  On the issue of image, with the loose skin, I guess this is where experience comes into play.  You learn what positions, what style of dress and what actions will minimize the appearance.  I have been with my fair share of guys since surgery, and it has never been a problem with any of them.  I usually let them know about what I had done, so they know what to expect.  Admittedly, my problem is not that severe.  And, if they buy you something you can't drink, **** just man up for once and chug it!  You're trying to get laid!  What are you, a *****  Just kidding...  Just kidding.  If that happens, well, that's a perfect opportunity to talk to the guy sending you the drink.  I've done this before.  Refuse the drink, smile at the guy, get up and go talk to him.  The desire to meet you has already been stated.  The drink is just a nicity.  (Besides, if he's courteous he'll ask the bartender first what you're drinking' just like I do.)

Another issue brought up.  As I've discussed before, but I'll talk about it again because, well, I love talking about it, relationships with other post-ops.  In my limited experience, a person with WLS is like a hungry tiger released from his cage into a slaughter house.  I've been with 2 RNY post-ops and both times were amazing (even though one was with his husband...  Threesomes aren't a preferance.)  There was no worry about the loose skin thing or anything else.  It seems that WLS guys have just begun to realize how good sex can be, so we tend to be much more daring and take full advantage of the experience.

Chin up and knees down, Paul.  Things will get better.

Cheers,

Chris

AMEN Chris.. Paul, it could not have been written any better or more clear.. The words that Chris wrote are dead on babe..

I know what it is like. For YEARS I thought that I had a "problem" and thought that "problem" was related to weight issues or something else. It wasn't that at all... It was nothing more than being in my head..

Ever since I had surgery, I have developed a self-cofidence that I could have only imagined in my "previous life". LOL

Mind you, I am one of the nicest and easy going guys you could ever meet, but if I go out for the evening I am dressed to the nines and make sure everything is in check and looking good. Why? because I feel that I deserve it.. I worked my butt off (no pun intended) to get to where I am today. I DESERVE IT.

I am not the best lookin guy in the world and I know that, but I can turn heads and that makes me smile. For the first time in my life, I can be the life of the party and I enjoy it.

As for sex, it does get easier. Don't worry about it, just let it happen naturally. Find someone you care about and it will be magical, TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!!!

Chris, you little man***** you!!! LOL  I just love reading your posts and finding out more and more about you. You are truly a transformation and kudos to you dude..

Wow...a threesome with two navy guys that spanned two years?  Tell us more! 

It was New Years Eve to day. LOL