A few (okay a lot) thoughts this morning... gold star if you get to the end.

Okay, Fnly@goal! posted some really good points about self image and perception from self and others about weight loss and questions about attraction. I'm going to jump in here with a few thoughts of my own. I’m doing a separate post because in writing about this, I went in a slightly different direction.

I'm in a committed life-long (11 years so far) relationship with my butch who I have to say is HAWT and has from the beginning and still does get hit on all the time by women and by gay men. When we first got together, I was astounded (and didn't trust it for a while) that Z would want ME... older, fat, not that hawt, just out of the closet, formerly married (for 19 years to a man), woman. But there was love with the capital L. I came to trust that Love. Now, at this point in our relationship, we are also poly, meaning we date other people (on occasion with boundaries... whole other discussion). So now I'm getting looks where I never did before and have the ability/permission to respond. So I have some of the benefits of being single and all of the benefits of not, but still some of the angst. 

So  now I’ve lost all this weight and people are ‘responding very positively’.

 

This evokes several things. Initially, it ****** me off because I'm still me! Right? I’m still the wonderful woman I always was, right? Why should I allow shallow people who would not have given me a second look six months ago, a chance at me now that they are soooooooo interested because now I’m “thin" and suddenly attractive and hot?

 

The answer to this came from Z. We had been out where I was getting attention and I was pissed about it and said just what I wrote here. The answer, Z said, is that I’m NOT that same person. The fat Raven was self destructive, negative, sad, in pain, desperate, and not so much fun to be around much of the time. Since the weight loss, Raven is optimistic, full of energy, laughs, is proud, enthusiastic about life, confident and more of a pleasure to be around. So, Z told me, it’s not so much about what I look like but how I behave in the world and more importantly, the energy I exude. The sexy is on the inside. At first, I was really offended by this observation. But now I realize how true it is.

 

Do I like what I see when I look in the mirror? More than I used to with regard to the fat, but I’m still extremely critical. But when I’m out there living my life, I’m NOT looking into a mirror critiquing the loose skin and the fact that I look older or have the tube-sock tits, or the charpei tummy, or the droopy skin on the backs and insides of my thighs, not to mention the batwings. I’m feeling younger because I’m not carrying about an extra person. I’m feeling energetic because I can move without pain. I’m feeling proud because I’ve done something that in my many years of living obese, I never thought I could do. I’m feeling like having fun because I CAN! I feel beautiful because I am and that has nothing to do with thin. Okay, it does have something to do with being able to fit into nice clothes and move comfortably in them. But it has more to do with how I fit in the world now.

 

And people respond to this. They are drawn in by my energy of loving life again. No one is attracted to someone who hates themselves. They are attracted to my new opinion of myself… not in what I see in the mirror... but how I live my life. They are attracted to me because I have a better opinion of who I am and what I can do.

 

Now about what we are seeing in the mirror. That is an entirely other issue. As I mentioned above, I am very critical of the loose skin. I look older than I did when my wrinkles were filled out with 100 pounds of subcutaneous fat.

 

And I could come into lottery money tomorrow (yes, I play every week) and have the money to spend enough time under the surgeon’s knife to tighten me up to the point of bouncing a quarter off my ass but then what? I’d just be critical of the scars. And then I’d spend more to have scar revisions. And meanwhile I’d still be aging (cuz it’s better than the alternative) and I’d still not love what I see in the mirror. See where I’m heading with this? It’s NOT about what we see in the mirror. It’s about what we SEE in the mirror.

 

This perception has been screwed up for a long time. And our weight loss has been rapid. We cannot expect our psyche to catch up so quickly. But in the meantime there is serious work to be done to repair our self-love (even if we think we never had it in the first place).

 

For some it may be throwing away the mirror for a while and use other’s eyes as our mirrors. For others it may be therapy. Or for others simply finding the best parts of what we like about our body and focusing our attention there. There are a lot of ways of going about this, individual to be sure.

 

For me, it is living “as if". This is my method of madness for a lot of things. I tend to not care so much about what made me this way. Yeah, it’s my mother’s fault (goddess rest her soul) but so what? Who cares how we were traumatized. We all suffer. I’m over it!  I’m a big girl now and what am I going to do about it? I’m pretty pragmatic. If I want to change something to live more positively and thus with more joy, I try to make decisions in my life that reflect that change. If I want to believe I’m hot, I will choose to act accordingly, EVEN IF I don’t particularly feel it. Feelings are ****** up. Feelings are temporary, usually not based on anything true, and come and go so fast, who can keep track? Especially when hormonal which as my age is all the time and believe me rapid weight loss for men and woman ***** up the hormones. I feel, of course of feel my emotions, recognize them, allow then but I don't believe them to be my truth. I move on. I accept what I know to be true and I try to make choices based on truth.

 

And then there’s the adage of ... as humans we seek experiences that prove ourselves right. If we believe we are crap we are going to seek out experiences that reinforce that belief. If we believe we are hot, same thing. So if we are getting positive attention, there must be some part of us that believes we deserve it. Go with THAT! Reinforce it by responding positively to it and that positive belief will strengthen which will bring more positive attention, ad infinitum.

 

And finally, and I promise I’m almost done with this rant… getting thin or even optimally healthy does not mean that life gets any better! Life is life. It is filled with loss and pain and risk and suffering and then we die. Losing weight does not mean we will be immortal or that we will fine perfect love. It does not mean that we will have money or security or not be sick or not lose people we love. It does not mean that we will have great relationships. It does not mean we will not be focused on weight or food any more to the point of obsession. It just means that we are now perhaps better equipped to cope better with life because we are healthier and maybe a whole lot more positive, more optimistic, more joyful, and more fun to be around. And maybe it means we are more open to the joy, the laughter, the love, the good sex, the positive attention, the Love, and the fun that life also has to offer.

 

Amen…. Thanks for sticking in there if you did. You get the  

I think I love you. LOL!

You always say what I'm feeling - just wish I could type it all out the same way.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my counselor. She always talks about how "fresh and lively" I look. She said "you know the old Brooke would just sit in this chair, arms crossed, and hardly said 2 words". So after going over "the old Brooke" she had me rank my self esteem. I picked like a 5 or something and she said she was shocked. She said "How can you feel so bad about yourself when you look so great on the outside?". I simply said (and I was really trying not to get mad at her) "just because my appearance changed doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with the same issues". She didn't get IT.

Sure I look better, physically feel better, but I have a lot of emotional backage. My surgeon didn't fix my head ...just my tummy. I definitely think I'm more fun to be around because I AM happier. I know as a Mom I can do things I couldn't before. BUT all the issues I had before surgery are still there. And for some reason the people I'm surrounded by don't get that. They expect to be 24/7 happy and I'm still dealing with my Grandpa's death (which hasn't even been 2 months), issues with my Dad, and other family things. I really am happier though. When I was big I had severe social anxiety - to the point where I wouldn't even grocery shop alone. Now I do it all the time. Most days I have the "I don't give a **** what you think about me now" attitude and I walk with confidence. I just wish that when I say I'm struggling people don't say "but you are so pretty now" or "but you lost so much weight".

Did I get off topic?? Sorry 

Great post Raven. Thanks for my

No, you are right on topic... because we are faced all the time with people who just don't get it... like our lives should be perfect now that we are pretty or thin or healthy. But don't we sometimes (I know I do frequently) fall into that same line of thinking?

I believe that is the source of most of my discontent around how I look... it really is NOT about how I look but my expectations around how I think my life SHOULD be because I've lost 100+ pounds. And it's easier to blame the wrinkles and loose skin than deal with the hard things that still haunt us... or... and here's another thought... isn't it easier to still beat ourselves up because that is what we know rather than RISK living a life that is happy with all THOSE unknown consequences?

It's a journey of baby steps... and I think you are wonderful for educating your therapist!!! She's fortunate to have you.

 I am going to start therapy soon to help me with all the issues. I just hope I can get to the point you are.

I think exploring these issues is essential... whether in therapy or as I do, through my writing. I'll look forward to witnessing your process. I hope you'll share.

Of course because what I learn might help someone else in the same situation.

And it's that a lot of what it's all about. For me, it's about passing it on... paying it forward. I have such amazing support in my process and feel like I am learning so much about myself... how can we not help others!!!?

you hit it on the head about getting rid of the mirrors... I think a great personality is UBER sexy no matter what the person looks like.

I'm getting ready for this myself... although if I hear another person ask my SO "What are you goign to do when Tony looses all this weight"  I'm going to scream....
GTFO people... He met me when I was thin... he knows what I look like when I was thin.  I want to return to being that person... that happy person.

Oh yes! 

My Mom said the other day "now that you are thin do you think you'll stay with Jen?" like helloooooooooo why the hell would I leave her. AND maybe I like bigger women. Ever think about that? How cruel would I be to leave someone over their size when I myself have been that big? 

I think people have a screwed up vision of what this ALL means to us and to those who love us and we love. Like if we are fat, we can only get fat people to love us? And if we lose weight, then whooo whooo, we can go get someone better? I'm so sorry she doesn't understand. But with patience and time maybe she'll get there. I think sometimes part of our mission is to educate those who don't understand. And believe me that takes some patience.