I am just into onderland this past week or so. And I bought some new clothes. Size XL. Not just any XL, REI and Sahali XL. SKINNY PEOPLE XL. And it looks dang hot. (the pot belly is still there, but shrinking) Just had to do it, even though it is kinda silly because I probably won't wear them all that long. But now I am the same size as my wife (for the first time since just after college) so she can have most of them when I'm done. She's a goddess shape and I'm a rectangle (reforming oval actually), so some of my things just don't work for her.

Also been working on trying to pay attention to the tube tummy and trying to stop before she's packed like an overstuffed suitcase.

So I have to post that 
 - feeling and looking sexy freaks me out!
 - achieving my goals freaks me out!
 - moving so much easier freaks me out!
 - screwing up totally on my food Friday and still only eating 1500kcals freaks me out (and is comforting)
  - getting full on 2oz of soft foods freaks me out.

Just had to let ya'll in on another one of my litt'l tempests!

Thanks for listening. Sometimes it seems like folks on other boards are either wondering if their hangnails are life-threatening, posting a question they are sure has never been asked, or trumpeting their weight loss with total confidence. I'm happy that this is working, but there's still the little scared part that occasionally has to freak out for a while.

LOL - reforming oval!!!  

I agree with the "new-you" freaking out being under-represented on the boards.  Lots of trumpeting, less wondering.   Order of my freak outs - death (pre-op), pain (immediate post-op), unexpected GI bleed in hospital, more bleeds? (first week home), disrupting the staple line, peritonitis with every pain, lack of resolution of musculoskeletal pain, stalls, stretching pouch/stoma, not losing fast enough, excess skin, and now just fitting in with everyone else.

I have not to gotten to "skinny people XL" yet - CONGRATULATIONS!   I went shopping last night - very weird experience - freaked me out.  I tried the 2x, then 1x and gee they fit.  I had no idea what to try on, what might look good etc.  The thin partner wanted me to try on all kinds of new and different looks.  I can't remember the last time I could actually shop based on preference instead of "might fit" but what do I want my look to be . . . .

Yep, the shopping freak, that's the recent biggie. What do I want to look like? Do I like this, or just fit this?

My great uncle was a hellfire Baptist minister. My dad was a frozen-chosen Presbyterian minister.  So I am facing some old stored programming about 'good girls/ bad girls' and what they wear. Don't think I was ever sexually abused (that may come up later), but I was programmed to be scared in order to 'protect' myself.

So yesterday I proudly wore my best bra and a v-neck hoodie which had plenty of movement room but was very form fitting. Looked like I was dipped in it and felt totally snuggly.  No boogie men came and got me.

Hey babe,

A good friend of mine recently gave me some adivce.   He told me that lapband is a tool, not a solution... and that with any tool, you need to use it properly for it to work.   Make sense right?  What he also told me is if the intent of the person using the tool isn't good, then the tool is going to fail.   He explained this to me with LapBand too....

the lapband is just a tool, but what's not working properly is my brain...or I'm not using the tool the right way.   let's face it, we all see people loose weight, gain it back, etc etc.   My tool (my brain) has stopped be from loosing weight....and keeping it off.

He suggested that as I go through my weight loss surgery (May 2009 god willing) that I seek a counselor to find out what the root of my evils are.  So my thoughts are, how do you see yourself ?  Do you see yourself as a beautiful swan loosing weight, or do you see the old self?

Just like you change your eating habits, you have to change those internal ones too!

You are beautiful!!!   EMBRACE the new you.  Your old you only makes up a small part of the entire package!

Jamie, you're a sweetheart!

You're damn right I'm beautiful! The old me just has freaks, sometimes seems like every day, as she looses control and the real me starts to shine.

My tool is my gift. I intend to use it  to find the true me that has been inside this fat shell all the time.

Real me - is an athlete. She loves to move, lift heavy weights, achieve physical goals. She wanted to be a dancer or a synchronized swimmer, but she was mistrusted by her family, and I abandoned her to fit in.

Real me - is an artist. She is gifted with textiles and paint. But that lifestyle was too free, undependable, and incomprehensible for my parents to love, and I abandoned her to pursue a living wage and safety. Being an artist is drawing attention to your own gifts. I have artistic gifts and I enjoy using them.

Real me - is a beautiful, strong, body-confident woman with natural grey in her hair. The kind of older woman that the young me thought terribly sexy. 45 and over, bring it on!

Real me  -  is smart and articulate - and she's learning to speak up.

Real me - is sexy and enjoys a rollicking physical relationship. 'Cause I'm old enough and wise enough to keep myself safe - and so's my partner.

OK you are officially awesome!   Seriously I just read this, and I love how you listed all of the attributes of your "real me"   you got me thinking now, time to write a new post!

I totally get the freaking out part as it relates to lots of experiences that are new and neverbefore encountered (or maybe so long ago it might as well be never). Z actually picked me up and carried me on her back around the room a few weeks ago. What should have been a thrilling ride actually terrified me. I had no fear that I would be dropped. It was something else. After she put me down I realized, with tears in my eyes, that the last time I was carried by another human being was probably when I was SIX. It was as if I was extending wings for the first time and trying to fly. After I calmed down, it was exhilating but during those few minutes while I was squeeling and my heart was pounding, I realized that I was freaked out. I feel this way too when any new sensation comes along, like buying a smaller size, sometimes trying a new food, stepping on the ******g scale every morning, walking into a room filled with normal-sized people and realizing I'm one of them. Yeah, scary as hell... but whatcha gonna do? Pay attention, don't run away, talk and write about it, and embrace it as PROOF of the change and a huge compliment that you are doing it right!

Big hugs Nean to doing all of those things and thank you for sharing it!

Those wings been furled since six, they probably was sticky and hard to move!

Perhaps there are some of us who are fat who were on the opposite end of the adrenaline junky scale as children. I think I've excused myself from the fear/exhilaration of living for far too long, because I didn't expect someone that fat to.....  It was my excuse note. But living is scary at times, even if you just eat, sleep, and sit it out. So I'm increasing my tolerance and getting out there in the world.

SO glad someone invented my WLS so I can do it on the fast track rather than the pound a week for 126 weeks plan! I'm mentally strong enough to do it this way, but not the other way.

Is WLS the easy way out? If you prefer mountain biking down a mountain, hell yah. If you prefer a safe, predictable walk, then not so much. 'Cause once you are on the fast track, you don't get off the bike.

Oh, you have got THAT so right. I was always happy sitting and reading. I was the kid *****ad at recess back at the edge of the playground wall. I have played it safe for much of my life, when it comes to anything physical. Yeah, fat people don't ... _____. (fill in the blank)

I think you are so wise... "increasing my tolerance". Isn't that how we do it with exercise, with anything hard. Do a little till that becomes easy and then do a little more. And try not to look at the whole thing too much because it's too scary.

I'm thinking that the fast track saved my life... we'll we're all going to die but I'm going down NOT from obesity and hopefully at a really old age doing something naughty, laughing my ass off!

I'm so glad that you're enjoying your journey honey.  thesea re great freak outs :)    You will experience more of them I promise :)  *HUGE BEAR HUGS*