relationship frustrations

My hubby and I have been together for 8 years. He was very supportive of my surgery and great at first. Lately he has been saying I am too skinny, Ok I weigh about 250 lbs, I am far from beng skinny. and he gets upset at me going to the gym, he says I am spending way  to much time working out. I am going 5 days a week and I do cardio for 30-40 minutes and then I ift for maybe another 30 minutes. He does not want to go out to dinner or a movie with me. he would just rather we stay in. I was just wondering if anyone else has had troubles like this after WLS?

Thanks Jeff

 It's interesting . . . my husband and I of 6 years have been talking about this a lot.  He was very supportive of my choice to have the surgery as I topped out at 420 pounds, and now, down to 276, I am approaching his weight.  He is calling me skinny, saying I am deflating.  He puts up a lot of barriers for me going to the gym - complaining about how we don't spend enough time together.  He often offers me foods that he knows I shouldn't be eating, but I still think he supports me and my weight loss - in fact he is flirting with the idea of surgery himself.

I was terrified when I started this whole journey, especially since we met in a chubby/chaser environment.  Was my size the only thing he found attractive about me?  What happens if I am now longer a big guy?  What happens if I am not longer the bigger of the two of us?  The conversations we have had about this have been over all positive; a lot of my personal insecurities are being laid out, and what we have come to is we have figured out whatever the initial attraction may have been, our relationship over the years have grown and be based on so much more.  

I don't know what the future may hold for us, talking very openly about it has helped me come to terms with it.

Best of luck.

Last week I finally weighed less than my (normal BMI) SO for the first time since, say, 1983 or so!  A great feeling!

/Steve

My husband was a "chubby chaser" as well.  He supported me at the beginning...and he supports me now.  My husband is active duty military and in great shape.  We have found that working out together is working out for us as well, bringing us closer together.  Maybe that will work for the two of you as well.  Besides, in the end, you have to do what is best for you!!!  I wish you the best of luck.  I am here for you!

You are not alone. I have always been the fatter one. Probably next week I will eclipse the wife and she will be the fatter one who looses weight slower. That is a totally new thing and feels odd.

I imagine, no matter how much you reassure him, that hubby is afraid that - since you are looking so hot lately - you are gonna pick up guys at the gym or get flirted with if you both go out.

Even just a few weeks out from surgery, I feel so much better both physically and about myself that I am smiling more and making eye contact with people more. It doesn't mean I am 'interested', just that I am more friendly and less depressed, but it might look on the outside like I was checkin' folks out more.

Well i don't have any advice to offer up although i have been noticing a change in what i like........i think i'm becoming a chubby chaser!......the healthy ones at least  LOL

Well, I'm certainly an advocate of couples counseling.  It can be used as a tool to help you guys have conversation around what your partner is feeling.  My partner and I have been together for 8 years and she is about 4 years out and I will be 2 years out next month and I now weigh less then she.  She pretty much slowed her weight loss because she was afraid she would lose too much too fast.  She's 5'9 and from her Navy pics -- she was a skinny woman and I'd like to see her get to that again; however, it is her choice as to how she wished to proceed -- my thing is -- just as long as you are healthy and happy -- I'm happy.  She also says I've gotten skinny -- at 180 -- I don' t think so.  I actually lost a 100 pounds of butt   That's what I tell people.  Now I'm small up top but I gots the thigs going on --so she started calling me Lil Mama and I've gotten used to the nickname.
 

Anyway your partner might be experiencing some feeling fo insecurity so a third party might be warranted.  I recommend couples counseling even if anything isn't wrong -- helps keep the direction of the relationship on track.  One thing I will suggest -- you guys schedule a date night at least once a week and keep the appointment -- that means you might miss working out one evening.  Not only do our bodies need attention -- so do our relationships.

Peace and Light

My partner was like this when I was pre-op. I was bigger than she was ..but we were both big women. We were comfortable with that. Then I'd say things out of excitement like "I can't wait to have surgery. I'll lose weight and buy a new hot bathing suit". And she'd lower her head. She would reply with "you're just going to lose weight and leave me, aren't you?". She was very insecure about it. She thought the surgery would change us and that I would no longer want to be with a heavier person. Sooo...I've made it one of my goals (I guess you'd call it a goal) to reassure her I'm not going anywhere! Now she enjoys the whole "look at my hot wife" thing while showing off a new picture of me :)

 Jeff,

Let me start by saying I am no expert on this topic.  As a matter of fact, I am dealing with it too in my own way but here is my take.  Weight loss of the magnitude that we are experiencing it personally and our partners and friends are experiencing second hand is dramatic.  It changes the way we see ourselves and the way others see us.  I think this is one of the fundamental reasons that so many people regain weight over time - their internal truth about themselves and what other believes about them event manifest itself again - in spite of the surgical intervention.  

My approach to this is to seek professional, specialized counseling geared towards this topic.  This is where we have to truly decide - who are we living for and what do we need from our lives.  Depending on your believes, we only go around once.  How we go through this journey can make many twist and turns.  Look deep inside, be honest with yourself and seek some input from an objective 3rd party who knows how to guide you to your answer.

Now - if only I would take my own advice! :-)   BTW - way to go on your journey - awesome weight loss and commitment.

Warm regards,

Michael

Hi Jeff . . .
My partner and I have been together for an amazing 23 years! He has always weighed in the 120's and I've always weighed more - often much more! When we met I weighed in the 150's and we could actually wear some of the same shirts & sweaters. As the years went on, he stayed the same weight and I topped out at 285. Believe it or not - at 5' 5" he still weighs 123 today. He's a very cute little guy!
Now I'm starting to shrink. I'm only 12 days post-op but I'm down 30+ pounds. I'm not anticipating the weight to have any effect on our relationship. During our many years together I've been every size there is, from a waist of 31" to 48" - and I've been there and back a few times. He's always maintained his weight within 10#. I may be surprised, but if there is an effect I expect it to be positive. We both are trying to focus on being as healthy as possible. He's diabetic and has many issues related to long term diabetes. I'm a natural "care giver" with a professional life in health care administration.
Several others have spoken about couples counseling - I could not agree more! Whenever there are rapid changes in the environment that effect a couples stability, an outside professional is a great resource for helping keep the transition in a healthy perspective. Sooner is better than later, it's easier to fend off negative feelings than it is to reverse them.
Best of luck for 2009, keep smiling and keep putting your partner first in your life.
FatBoyNoMore, a.k.a. Michael