Body image and dating

Hi folks -

I'm not even two months out from my surgery yet, and I'm already getting worried about dating.  I've always been fat.  I learned how to date as a fat man, and fell into a "fat admiring" community where my body type was sought after by "chasers".  I'm sure some of you know that scene. 

As I lose the weight, I know I don't fit into that community anymore - and don't really want to.  I'm sort of tired of being treated like a fetish object.  But that still leaves me starting over again at 35 trying to figure this whole dating thing out from scratch.

While I feel like it's too early to try, with my body still changing and already having way, way too much on my plate to consider adding new relationships to the mix, did anyone else feel like this after the surgery?

I'd love to hear some success stories to keep me in a positive mindset as I move in that direction.

Well, I was in a relationship before and after surgery - still in same relationship.

But I do know what you mean about fitting in to a certain "fat friendly" community.

For me, things have gotten better since losing weight! I get a lot of positive attention from guys and girls that I would of never gotten pre-op. Even though I'm happily taken it's flattering to know that other types of people would be interested in me :)

Overall my relationship has improved because I'm happier and ......sex is WAY better too which is a bonus!!

So my guess is you are gonna find yourself an awesome partner :)

Good luck!

 

Unfortunately, I can't share any success stories or words of experience because I haven't had my surgery yet, but I can say that I've felt the same fear that you have and for now, I've come to one conclusion - whatever is supposed to happen always will. Love that's meant to be will find you one way or another, no matter what you look like. It's what's on the inside that really makes the difference

I completely understand your situation as I'm also starting over at almost 34 in the dating world. I don't wish to date yet. I am getting attention which is nice, but I've never had a good, positive relationship experience in my life. I'm pretty stressed about it..even though my counselor reminds me that I have no business even thinking about a relationship only being just under 3 months out of surgery. But it's tough. I feel great, I want to do things and get out more...it would be nice to share that with someone.

I wish I had success stories..but am truly in the same boat. I'll keep a good thought for you. I never felt comfortable around people that were attracted to me because I was heavy...I steered clear of them, frankly.

You have excellent questions.  It's funny, there are a lot of "bear types" here on the GLBT Forum, but none of us have replied (well, until now.)  I know that the "bear" community isn't identical to the "chubby chaser" community, but there's a lot of overlap.

I always felt a bit repelled by people who have extreme weight fetishes, as opposed to mild preferences.  (How do I tell the difference?  I know it when I experience it, I suppose.)

I've been partnered since 1979, so I don't have any direct experience with post-op dating as you lose the weight, but you seem to have a good handle on the issues.  Since you don't really feel close to the "chaser" (ick, hate that term) community, you at least won't feel strange about being suddenly ostracized once you fall below their threshold of fetishism.  I believe that GoToMan here has posted about this in the past.  Maybe he has some advice?

Good luck!

/Steve

You will need to cancel your biggercity.com account. Keep the bear411 for good measure. (Just kidding I don't oppose or endorse any site, except the fabulous obesityhelp.com)

The "Chasers" who used to be interested in me and those guys who like bears may ween off ( I have already seen the disappointing looks), but trust me it is for the better.  You will always find guys who think you are too thin, too fat, too whatever. All it takes is you being you, and once you are comfortable in your own skin you will draw men in like nobody's business. You had this surgery for your overall health, the healthier happier you is what will draw the guys in.

Well I have no words of wisdom either since I have been single all my life.  I have also been subjected to the chub/chaser community for many years (lifetime member on biggercity here).  However I was a super duper chub at 500 pounds so there were even times when chasers wouldn't go after me so I was really on the fringe of being undesirable all around.  Now I'm under 300 pounds and I'm sort of caught between worlds.  Not a super chub anymore yet not mainstream either.  I guess I would fit into the bear category (I mean really.....they are just labels.....I've always identified as a bear).  I get a lot of encouragement from all sides.  I've only had one negative comment about my weight loss from the chubby chaser community and you know what......if they are upset that your'e losing weight then they really weren't after YOU in the first place.  It's quite shallow to be honest. It's the same when skinny guys tell you that you're too fat to be with them.  Very shallow.

I'm 7 months post op and I'm just now prepared to put myself out there on the block again after many many years of being hidden away from public view.  I would say wait until you get your confidence built back (and it will come back, I promise) and then throw your hook out there and see who bites.

I have no advice since I am marriedand have been since before surgery. Good luck in your quest. I was blessed enough to meet a man who loves me enough for me and not for what I look like. He always said he would love me no matter what I weigh. I have put that to the test. I gained 35 pounds and hit my high at 387 after we were married and now I am down to 192.

Thanks for the feedback folks.  Looks like a lot of us get that "caught between worlds" feeling.  That's definitely where I'm sitting now, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this "neverwhere" feeling.

I am about 10 months out from surgery (RNY).  I started at 348 and am now at 219, a marked difference.   I like to work out and do so as much as my schedule and stamina permit (2-3x/week strength training, cardio, stretching).  I get more attention from guys than I used to, but there is still a substantial problem in dating no matter what because gay men tend to make dating even more difficult than it has to be.   By placing such a premium on appearances, gay men place so many barriers to making some kind of meaningful contact.  I have decided just to go out and enjoy myself wherever I feel like going.  I still go to bear events because the atmosphere is positive at Moviebears where guys go out to movies and either dinner before or coffee after.  I do feel the sense of being in between because I am not particularly muscular and wouldn't expect to be at 51.  I don't know what category to place myself in on the dating sites.  Stocky kind of works.