OT: Emotionally Torn

So, there are a couple of you I have talked about a bit with this, but I feel very comfortable with everyone on this board and just need to type my feelings to an open and caring group of people since I have no time for support groups at this point in time.

As you know, I am married to a very sexy "stud".  I have known from the beginning she has never felt right in her own skin being a woman.  Well, she has finally made the first step toward what she hopes is her new life...I hope so too, but I will get to myself in a minute.  She had her first appt. with a therapist today where she was able to talk to someone, besides me, about her Gender Identity Disorder.  She was so relieved to find out this therapist was willing to help.  KJ (my wife) ha**** a few road blocks along the way with a lack of support form the medical community...crazy huh?  She found out this state (NC) will not touch Transgendered people or hormone therapy when it comes to insurance coverage.  So ******g sad.  But, thank God there are ways around everything due to our wonderful doctor and her nurse who happens to be my mom's best friend.  Luckily our doctor works with transgendered people.  So my wife is on her way and I, selfishly, feel like I taken two steps back. 

Do not get me wrong...I support my wife 100% and I always will.  However, I am a lesbian.  Does that change once my wife is a man?  I do not care if people look at me as part of the "straight" world.  I have never cared what people think and I do not plan on starting now.  I would love to say that I love KJ for KJ, but I think her being a woman is part of the reason I love her too.  I know I need to step back and let her begin this journey on her own, especially because she needs to deal with issues from her past and her own demons, but I am feeling left behind and I am not sure what the future will bring and that scares me.  I am sure we will get through this together, but it is in the back of my head that once she is a man..I will yearn for a woman.  I guess I have to wait and see.  I have NEVER driven her to beleive that we will be "perfect" once this happens.  I have let her know form the beginning that I will never leave her side through this, but I just do not know if I will stand by her as her best friend or her wife.

Thanks for letting me get all this out.

I have no clue what to tell you, except I am here for you to vent when needed. Altho, I can understand what you are talking about with KJ being a woman is part of the reason you love her. I know it wouldn't be the same if Mark was a woman with the same personality. I wouldn't love her because I am not attracted to women. Now that I think about it, it's also if Mark said he wanted to "go gay" for a bit to "try it out". I would be torn too. Anyway, like I said no advice here but a listening ear if you ever need it.

thanks much...you are one of the many wonderful people on here.

Aww gee

I have to say I would feel the exact same way that you do. You're a lesbian and truly if KJ becomes a man and identifies as being a man than you're going to be in a relationship with a man. It's a very tough situation and the best thing that you can do is while being supportive, be completely honest about your position in this so that there are no surprises in the end..whether you stay or you move on. 

I'll be keeping a good thought for you both.

Sommer,

Wow --tough, emotional, mental journey -- that is deep and thanks for sharing that with us.

My suggestion -- obtain the services of a therapist for yourself.  This will assist you in organizing your feelings as well as how to support KJ through this transition.  Your last statement -- is what you'll have to deal with -- just not today but for the days to come during KJ's transition. 

Stay strong -- stay positive.

I have no advice but have talked about this with Jen, my partner. She is the "man" in our relationship - total butch.

We joke and say "what would it be like if you were a guy?" and then we think about all of the "what if's". It would never happen since we have kids and that would be just too tramatic.

However, I've never identified as 100% lesbian ...nor will I say I'm bisexual (even though to most people that is probably what I am). I am just a woman who loves a woman. I don't really see her gender ..I see Jen. So for me, if she did change it wouldn't phase me because I love the person she is .....not the gender she is.  But I do see how this would be upsetting. I know if I were to do the change ...she'd probably leave me, she is WAY to much of a butch lesbian not too. But I would never change ..I like being a girl :)

I really hope you both work through this! I think you will though :)

I agree. This is more than one person can really handle on thier own sweetie. I mean, don't get me wrong - you're a tough cookie, but I can't think of anyone that could get through this without the help of a therapist. When anything changes with one person in a relationship, the other one will be effected. Sometimes it's small like a bad day at work means she comes home in a bad mood. Those kinds of things you can handle. This is a pretty major process.

The good news is that you don't have to make a decision about this right at this second. You've got some time to weigh things out, consider how you feel, and talk it over with KJ.

Always know both of you have my support and if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to let me know.

Thanks everyone..you guys f***ing rock!

Sommer, I have several transgender clients and their whole support system goes through these kinds of changes, both worrying and adjusting and readjusting. Neither of you can predict who you will be attracted to later on.  KJ may end up as a gay man also. All you can do is support each other as best you can and let the future play itself out. We will all be here for you!

Connie