Is this the right spot?

Hi all - I am a regular poster on the RNY board- had surgery April17, 08. And doing great by the way. I am looking for support, info - whatever I can get on how to deal with the feelings I am going through since my 20yr old son has become quite open with the fact he is bisexual.

He had a brief relationship with a male when he was in his teens - but since then - a few girlfriends here and there. But has become quite close to this young fellow and says they are dating.

Now- before you get the idea that I am against this relationship - that's not the case. Of course in my heart of hearts - I always saw him with a female partner - but - as long as he is happy and healthy- I'm ok with whatever he chooses. And that is what I tell myself - all the time. But - at the same time - I am SO SAD - and don't know how to deal with my feelings. I have searched on the internet for readings, articles etc that could explain bisexuality to me so that I can better understand it. My hubby- who is not as open minded as me - just feels that our son is gay and by saying he is bisexual - he's just kind of "breaking the news more gently". I also must say - we love and support our son unconditionally.

So- I'm looking for information - what exactly defines bisexuality, what is the difference between being bisexual and gay (in a man's world) - and what would be really helpful - is how to deal with these feelings of sadness that my husband and I have. I imagine in time the feelings will work themselves out - but - any tips from anyone out there?

Thanks so much for any info, advice and or support you can send my way. Have a great day!

Sorry, although I'm sure everyone on this board would join me in wishing you well and commending you on your unconditional love and acceptance for your son, I don't think this is the "right spot" for your questions and concerns regarding bisexuality, homosexuality, family dynamics, and dealing with your feelings of loss and grief, etc. 

I strongly suggest contacting an organization called PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians & Gays). They will give you all the support and information you (and your husband?) can possibly stand.  They have a great deal of experience in helping parents and families deal with the very same feelings you are going through.  In fact, the organization is made up of people who have been where you are now.  They have 60 chapters throughout Canada and here is the link:     http://www.pflag.ca

I'm glad to know you are doing well following your surgery, and wish you continued success in your journey.

You may want to check to see if you have a chapter of PFLAG in your area, it is a support group (parents and friends of lebians and gays) that can give you information and support. It is normal to have the feelings you are experiencing and there will be people in that group that have gone through the same thing as you that can help you deal with it.

Just because your son is dating a man at the moment doesn't mean that he is exclusively gay, it just means that right now this is the person that he wants to be with. But in any case, it is nice to see that you are trying to come to terms with it and accept him.

Good luck to you and please feel free to come to this forum anytime to ask questions.
 

Hello Mary and thanks for posting to the msg brd.

As the other two have suggested -- PFLAG.  They are a wealth of support and information.

Would it be safe to say that some of the feelings are along the lines of the parents did something wrong -- if so such is not the case and the feelings are normal.  The positive thing is that you and your husband are acknowledging those feelings and are seeking support in dealing with your son coming out and as crazy as it sounds --- you as parents will have your coming out period as well.

So PFLAG -- is your best option for information and support -- and hey -- we'll be here too --even if you just wanna talk.

Does PFLAG have chapters in Canada?   I hope so... great organization.

I would honestly sit down and talk to your son.  Talk to him as a friend and not as a son.  Let him feel comfortable talking to you.  My sister and I are both gay and my sister started out saying she was bisexual as well.   Once she broke down the walls and tested the waters she finally admitted she was gay.   (I was the pioneer.  I came out sevreal years before she did)  Luckily I had moved away from home prior to her entering high school so my parents really couldn't say "I influenced her decision" 

But let him know it's ok which ever he decides.  Just because I'm gay doesn't mean i wear it on my sleeve.  I don't let it define who I am, and I don't start out my conversations with new people "Lets get one thing straight, I'm not" 
Father's are always going to be like that.  I've been in a stable relationship for over 10 years, I have a great job, I own a house and have 2 dogs.  Once my father realized how stable i was I think he really came around.  He never had "issues" with me being gay, he just had concerns.

I think the big issue to remember is to support him (not overly support him, let him call the shots and what have you, I think Id be afraid if my mother was marching in a parade the day after I came out)  

It really saddens me when familys "reject" their own kin.  When I worked with a youth support group I saw too many young adults go out with the mindset of "why should I protect myself, why should I care if I come down with a disease, my family doesn't even care about me"

Just remember this... it takes alot out of us to actually come out.  It's not going to take you over night to get used to the change (honestly my mother said she always knew.. she was just counting the days before I came out)   

I'm babbling so I'll stop... please vent on the forums when ever you have the urge.  We're here for you.  Lord knows I've had my share of people being there for me :-)

 

We may not be able to give you all the answers that you're looking for here directly, but as you can see, this is an extremely wonderful and supportive group of people. I can only speak for me when I say this, but if you ever want to talk, you're more than welcome to send me a message. I'm sure others would as well.

I can't help but commend you for trying to understand what you're son is feeling. My parents weren't as compassionate and saying it caused a lot of problems is the biggest understatement one can possibly make. After years of really hard work, we've managed to patch up our relationship, but there was long time when I didn't have a family.

You may only find a path to the answers you seek here, but the fact that you're looking when a lot of parents don't says a lot about you. Be proud of yourself that you're being this brave and proud of your son that he's letting you know what's going on. That's the foundation for getting through times like this.

I would suggest "Now that you know" which is a book for parents of gays. There are probably others too but that is the one I'm most familiar with. You can certainly get it online. I second the PFLAG suggestion--they really are the best!

I would underline what everyone else has said about being supportive. I have been with my partner 23 years and my mom expects me to return to men eventually. Since I am 64 that is highly unlikely! It does hurt not to have family support.

Ask anything you need here! There's another mom who is on here occasionally if you want to read back a month or so, you might run into her.

Connie 

Hello,
I am the parent of a beautiful, talented, smart, girl who happens to be a lesbian. Shecame out to me when she was about 15, she is 18 now. My husband and I have always had a feeling, so I was not shocked. She told me that she was "bisexual" at first, but I knew that she was probably not really into boys at all. Everyone has their own way of dealing with comming out. Some do feel like it is easier to say " bi" than "gay". My advise to any parent who has a gay or lesbian child is to love them unconditionally. I would never dream of being ashamed of my child. I want her to have a happy, healthy life. I want her to find a partner who loves and respects her and to have all of the opportunies in life that she should have...gay or straight. People tell me all the time not to worry, that she will grow out of it. First of all, I am not worried, and second of all, I wonder if tose people will "outgrow" their sraightness. My bottom line is that, when A person feels comfortable enough with teir parents to be honest and not have to hide the truth, this is a good thing. I would not trade my daughter for the world. If you ever need to talk or need advise feel free to message me. I am not an expert, but I do have experience. By the way, my father is also gay and came out of the closet about 15 yrs ago. My parents were married for 20 yrs. I would not wish on anyone to have to pretend for most of their life that they are someone else like my father did. I respect him so much and have so much empathy for how he must have felt all those years. So, Gay, Straight, Bi, whatever...we all need to just love oneanother and look at the big picture. Good luck to you. I hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that you have people to talk to.

Kristen

Well hey there sexy mama..been a while since I have seen ya on here.

See! It was the right place. Pflag is wonderful. Wi**** was something I'd found out about back when I learned my mom was gay. (Or later on when I realized that actually, I really loved my female friend and wanted to be with her)

When I was a teen, my mom divorced my dad and found a female relationship. There was grieving for the divorce and grieving that there would be awkwardness and secrecy about her partner. So sadness and anger  and confusion, etc.

I think I actually am bisexual living a homosexual life because I've found the perfect female partner for me. If she passes away sometime in the future, I would be open to dating men or women. I generally enjoy sex with men more than women, but relationships more with women than men... on the other hand, maybe I enjoy looking at women more than men.... or .... Bisexual is different things for different people and probably changes over time for any one person.