Need some advice

Hi everyone,

I have only been posting on this board for a few weeks, but was so glad to have found the LGBT OH forum. I now need some advise and figured I would ask you all for your opinion.

I am scheduled for RNY Nov 21st. I am also scheduled to have it done at the hospital where I  work, and I am also the bariatric coordinator. So needless to say I know all the surgeons, the nursing director on the floor ( her office is right next to mine ). I know all the nursing staff that will be caring for me,and they ALL know I am coming in for surgery and all are eager to make sure I am taken care of.

Now I have worked at  this hospital for 10 years, but only as the bariatric coordinator for the past 2 years. Those who I worked with for the first 8 years all know I am a lesbian, because I am not in the closet at all, I never have been, and they are all crazy about my wife.

Now here is where it gets sticky and maybe a little confusing for some of you.....2 1/2 years ago I got married, so my last name is different now. I took my wife's last name because we are legally married in the state of Illinois. We were able to do this because she is transgendered MTF. When we were married, she was still legally male, so they really had no choice but to marry us.

So The people I am working with now, who will be taking care of me in the hospital, are expecting my "husband" to show up.( because they know I am married, they ASSUMED to a man)  They will see Allie because she will be there beside me the whole time. I have no issue with them knowing and I don't care what they think. However, my question is this.....Out of respect (or any other reason you may think of ), Should I tell the staff, or their director, that my wife is transgendered in advance, or do I let them figure it out on their own? I don't want Allie to have to deal with any BS if something should happen to me. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she needs to ask the nurse for anything.....So I don't know if I should or not....What do you all think?


Maria

I am so sorry that the world still doesn't get it by now.  I think it is important to run this by Allie and see what and how she feels about it.  This surgery will be one of your life changing events and should be honored that way.......Thus talk about it openly and then do what is best for the both of you!!!  Blessings to you!!~Ann~

It wouldn't be surprising if more people know than you are aware of.  It's human nature to talk about one another in the work place, and stuff like this tends to makes the rounds.  Do what you and Allie are most comfortable with, but I can think of no reason why you should feel obligated to share the personal details of your married life with anyone.  When the time comes, they'll figure it out on their own.  Sure, some may be surprised, but so what?  Those who are curious (or confused!) may ask you questions, some will feel it's not their business and will consider it rude to bring it up, and others will not really care all that much, one way or the other.  In any case, a sense of humor goes a long way.  People will follow your cue.  If you are "uncomfortable" they will be, too.

It sounds as though you are well liked as a person and valued as a collegue.  This, plus the fact that the staff is eager to make sure you are well taken care of, doesn't sound like a scenerio where there would be any "BS" for Allie to deal with.  Besides, they'll have to deal with you afterwards...

Good Luck!

Personally I would let people know. I work in a hospital and it can be difficult to figure out how people fit into a family. I would suspect the care takers would be more comfortable knowing, to avoid and difficult or uncomfortable situations that could arise. I would be surprised if there was any negative response...but I do live in Mass and Work in Boston. I have run into a similar situation as a nurse. I had a patient we knew was married but her husband "never showed up". Everyone thought the "female" who was there was just a close friend. Confidential information was not given to the husband due to this mix up......Good luck in what ever your decision is......Thanks for sharing...Sean

I personally think less is more in this situation.  People know you are a lesbian.  You have a female partner.  Marriage is a term used by lesbian and gay couples all the time whether it is legal or not.  The next time someone says Husband in reference to you, you should probably correct them and say wife....Then let it go.  I dont nessicarily think the transgendered part is important unless its important to you to tell them!  The legalities of the situation are between you and admitting and will be indicated in your chart who is to make decisions, etc.  I would think that this time is about you and you need to focus your energy there and believe that the people that care about you will extend their grace to your partner! 

Maria, my personal philosophy is this ~ Ask me anything.  I will either answer you truthfully or tell you it is none of your business.

I really wouldn't go into the transgendered thing, unless Allie is on board with it.  And then only if it comes up.  Like a legality or confidentiality issue.

BTW, I recently took care of one of our DON's when she had to have surgery.  Now, mind you, I am only a student nurse and work as a nurse's aid.  I was acting in the capacity of nurse's aid.  The woman is a lesbian.  It took all of my strength to not say "Hey, I'm a lesbian, too!!!"  I'm sure she knows.  This is not a homophobic unit or hospital, for that matter.  I even have a job offer on the table for when I graduate nursing school in May.  Any way, I was discrete, which is not my nature, LOL.

 You were discrete??? LMAO

I have my moments!!!

 I'm scared

Call me the dense straight person here. So you say you are out at work right? The people you work with now know you are a lesbian right? Why would they think you are married to a man? Like I said maybe I am being dense but I would just assume that you would be with a woman. I know I was shocked as all get out when I found out the doctor my Mom works for is married to a man and her lover (the other doctor my Mom works for) lives with them. Never knew she was married. Does that make sense?