Need Advice
I am going to post this here and on R&R board.
As I have said before I have a gay 17 year old son. He came out about 6 months ago to me and some close Friends. Now it seems he feels he is ready to be out in school and has a BF. I told him I will support him, but it scares me. (But that's just me being a mom). What he told me he thought I would have a problem with (and hes right) is the other boy is a Freshman. Mine son is a Senior and will soon be 18 and this boy is 14. I told him I thought it was not a great idea. Of course he got all upset. So what it came down to was I said that this boys parents needed to know about this relationship (he has two moms so sexuality is not the issue) and if they were OK with the age thing then OK. But he walked out of the house and hes been at a Friends all day and is very upset with me. I just see bad thing with this. That could end with my son being a registered sex offender. My son thinks I am just trying to ruin his relationship. What do I do
As I have said before I have a gay 17 year old son. He came out about 6 months ago to me and some close Friends. Now it seems he feels he is ready to be out in school and has a BF. I told him I will support him, but it scares me. (But that's just me being a mom). What he told me he thought I would have a problem with (and hes right) is the other boy is a Freshman. Mine son is a Senior and will soon be 18 and this boy is 14. I told him I thought it was not a great idea. Of course he got all upset. So what it came down to was I said that this boys parents needed to know about this relationship (he has two moms so sexuality is not the issue) and if they were OK with the age thing then OK. But he walked out of the house and hes been at a Friends all day and is very upset with me. I just see bad thing with this. That could end with my son being a registered sex offender. My son thinks I am just trying to ruin his relationship. What do I do
I don't know that there is anything that you can do besides support him and his decision. Nothing you can say to him will change his mind, he is 17, and didn't we all think we knew it all at that age? Let him cool off for a while and just let him know that you are concerned, but love and support him no matter what.
Good luck
Good luck
sfnativewm
on 10/19/08 11:39 am
on 10/19/08 11:39 am
I think it is best to have him speak to some people that are gay to let him know about turning 18 if that is your legal age in your state. I feel for him as to be in love is wonderful, to have it taken from you by a legal age it is rough. Like you said you don't want him to have to be a registered sex offender.Give him lots of love and understanding and also some special counselors so you are not the bad person!~Ann~
I did a quick search on the Mass. laws. They aren't very progressive and could potentially apply up to age 18 but there are separate laws and penalties for sex with someone under 14, under 16 and under 18. Prosecution is always at the discretion of the prosecutors office and they usually take into consideration the age difference between the individuals.
I think you are right that the parents of the other kid need to be consulted. The most likely way a prosecution would get started is if the parents filed a complaint, and if they are fine with the kids dating and possibly having sex then you don't have to worry about that much.
I also think it's great that your son has talked to you about it this much. If he storms off to a friends for a while, that's normal. It's not the end of the conversation. I know it's scary given the homophobia and violence in the world, but there are a lot worse places that you could be than Massachusetts. A lot of kids come out and find their friend are quite supportive. He shouldn't have to hide who he is - it would be so much better if he can get to openly enjoy his first relationship like any other high school kid.
I think you are right that the parents of the other kid need to be consulted. The most likely way a prosecution would get started is if the parents filed a complaint, and if they are fine with the kids dating and possibly having sex then you don't have to worry about that much.
I also think it's great that your son has talked to you about it this much. If he storms off to a friends for a while, that's normal. It's not the end of the conversation. I know it's scary given the homophobia and violence in the world, but there are a lot worse places that you could be than Massachusetts. A lot of kids come out and find their friend are quite supportive. He shouldn't have to hide who he is - it would be so much better if he can get to openly enjoy his first relationship like any other high school kid.
I hated high school cause I wasn't "normal" I would suggest he waits until after he graduates. I just remember how mean kids are. I would also try to find out about the laws in your state and tell him you don't want to see it on his record that he is a sex offender just cause he turned 18.
I shall now be know as Hagatha: Queen of the queens. 
Baby 
7-09
Xavier Elliott born 10-5-10
first of all, i want to commend you for being concerned and for reaching out for help. you may already know this, but there is a "greater boston pflag" group that meets in worcester, on the third wednesday of each month at the bridge, 4 mann st.. "pflag" stands for "parents, family & friends of lesbains & gays" (and bisexuals and transgenders). the contact information for the meetings is 508.248.5893 and [email protected].
you may want to let your son know that your objection to the age difference would be the same if he were interested in a 14 year old girl, and unfortunately for him, the law is on your side. this is not a matter of preventing him from finding someone to be with, it's a matter of sexual assault. the law does not recognize someone 14 years old as being able to give consent. if the child's (and a 14 year old is legally recognized as a child) parents objected to their 14 year old being in a sexual relationship, regardless of sexual orientation, they could bring statutory rape charges against your son.
you can let him know that while it took him 17 years for him to trust you enough to come out to you that he needs to give you time to adjust to the changes it brings to your life. sometimes teenagers have unrealistic expectations for their parents' journey to acceptance. in the meantime, if it's true, tell him you love him regardless of his sexual orientation and that you want him to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
at 17 years old, the laws in most states believe he is old enough to understand that sex with a 14 year old holds dire consequences, including fines, jail time, and a lifetime listed as a sex offender -- gay or straight.
good luck.
you may want to let your son know that your objection to the age difference would be the same if he were interested in a 14 year old girl, and unfortunately for him, the law is on your side. this is not a matter of preventing him from finding someone to be with, it's a matter of sexual assault. the law does not recognize someone 14 years old as being able to give consent. if the child's (and a 14 year old is legally recognized as a child) parents objected to their 14 year old being in a sexual relationship, regardless of sexual orientation, they could bring statutory rape charges against your son.
you can let him know that while it took him 17 years for him to trust you enough to come out to you that he needs to give you time to adjust to the changes it brings to your life. sometimes teenagers have unrealistic expectations for their parents' journey to acceptance. in the meantime, if it's true, tell him you love him regardless of his sexual orientation and that you want him to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
at 17 years old, the laws in most states believe he is old enough to understand that sex with a 14 year old holds dire consequences, including fines, jail time, and a lifetime listed as a sex offender -- gay or straight.
good luck.
UPDATE
When my son came home last night he came into my room and said that if I pursued trying to find out who this boy was to inform his parents of his relationship with my son, that he would leave and not come back. He did this with tears in his eyes. He said he didn't want to be alone anymore. He says he has no intention of this relationship being sexual(more than kissing) because of BF age. I believe in my heart this is his intention, I think that he just feels so very alone. What I cant get him to see is that high school gay or straight is the loneliest place on earth and that his whole world will open up for him after he graduates. He wont be such a small gay fish and a huge straight pond anymore, he will start to meet and date and find people and men who are like him.. He is making a mistake here by trying to fill a hole, with someone (who I am sure is a great kid) but it could be dangerous for my boy, and I love him to much to watch him play with fire and not blow it out. But I am not sure that I can do anything about it. It would be one hell of a "I told you so lesson".
When my son came home last night he came into my room and said that if I pursued trying to find out who this boy was to inform his parents of his relationship with my son, that he would leave and not come back. He did this with tears in his eyes. He said he didn't want to be alone anymore. He says he has no intention of this relationship being sexual(more than kissing) because of BF age. I believe in my heart this is his intention, I think that he just feels so very alone. What I cant get him to see is that high school gay or straight is the loneliest place on earth and that his whole world will open up for him after he graduates. He wont be such a small gay fish and a huge straight pond anymore, he will start to meet and date and find people and men who are like him.. He is making a mistake here by trying to fill a hole, with someone (who I am sure is a great kid) but it could be dangerous for my boy, and I love him to much to watch him play with fire and not blow it out. But I am not sure that I can do anything about it. It would be one hell of a "I told you so lesson".
can you help him get to bagby (boston alliance of gay, lesbian, bisexual & transgender youth)?
it's kind of like when you need to buy groceries, you can go to the gas station and you may be able to pick up bread and milk, but if you really need to stock the shelves and fridge -- best you get to a supermarket. dating in a small town is like finding a needle in a haystack, you have such limited opportunities. attending a GLBT youth program is like going to the grocery store.
these youth programs are not for or about dating, but it will broaden your son's sphere of friends so he doesn't feel so lonely.
sal
it's kind of like when you need to buy groceries, you can go to the gas station and you may be able to pick up bread and milk, but if you really need to stock the shelves and fridge -- best you get to a supermarket. dating in a small town is like finding a needle in a haystack, you have such limited opportunities. attending a GLBT youth program is like going to the grocery store.
these youth programs are not for or about dating, but it will broaden your son's sphere of friends so he doesn't feel so lonely.
sal
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