so how do you get to a place in your life where

you can forgive people for the wrongs they have done you? let me just take a moment to elaborate for those of you who don't keep up with my external blogs.

first off, my girlfriend (of a year and a half) and i have broken up. the whole time we were together we were fighting over stupid nothing types of things and yet i was somehow "stuck" in the relationship because of her codependancy (she convinced me that she needed me and i somehow willed myself to go along with it. i guess i was lonely...)

so now i've discovered that not only did she leave me in a seemingly insurmoutable debt but she also stole NINE rings that belonged to me, presumably with the intent to pawn them for cash. i have since retrieved these rings but seriously, how can i get beyond this point and start to trust people again?

in my entire life i've only had 3 relationships. (yeah, stupid i know but honestly, nobody has ever asked me out. weird huh?) the first one doesn't really count because it was with kensie's dad and well, he wasn't really a part of the relationship (long story. basically he was already married with a child and failed to inform me of this even though we lived together for more than 3 months!) he was always cheating on me and treated me like dog****

the next relationship i had was with a boy (and i say "boy" because he truly was MUCH younger than me! legal but still, MUCH younger!) who had low self esteem so he thought it was a fun game to see how many women he could get interested in him at one time. (again, cheating.)

and now, the relationship that i just ended was with a woman who, while she never cheated on me (that i know of for a fact, but i do suspect) she treated me horribly and STOLE from me!!!

so i'm pretty much burnt out on the human race in general. my life has consisted of me and my daughter for a very long time and honestly, i think it's going to be this way until she graduates. and after that? maybe i'll get some cats or something.

but seriously, i don't want to be "that" person. i'm (somewhat) young and also (somewhat) attractive. i have a decent personality and have experienced enough in my lifetime to be able to make interesting conversation but... how can i get to the point where i TRUST people again??? i feel like a stray dog that's been repeatedly beaten and starved and just wants to snap at any hand that's held out towards me.

Ya know, I have been there too. One of these days someone will make you fall in love with them and you will trust them. I know I had sworn off men so many times I had lost count, but eventually I kept falling in like with someone and start the whole process over again. The last guy before Mark I was involved with turned out to be married. I felt like **** Don't give up cause I think you are a great person and someone will be very lucky to find and have you.

you know, i'm crying right now. really i am. because honestly, every single time i seriously thought that i was "in love". but love isn't one sided and if i'm the only one carrying the torch then that isn't love. i just feel like i keep getting taken advantage of. and maybe it's me! maybe i'm putting out some sort of weird "take advantage of me" vibe or something. but i seriously don't intend to. my intention is to portray myself as a strong INDIVIDUAL who doesn't NEED anyone but who could make room in my life for "the right" someone. kwim? i guess i'm just doing it all wrong...

I wanted to be the same way. I thought I was, until a male friend pointed out I put off the desperate vibe. I didn't mean to but I did. Ask some friends what kind of vibe you put off. I know I found Mark when I was in chat, I had stopped looking and was trying to work on myself. I was in a BBW chat room and I was just looking for acceptance and friends. Found him and can't get rid of him for nothin now. Side note: after all the crappy relationships (not many here either) I thought I gave off a "treat me like crap vibe"

and see, that's the thing. i HAVE no friends. katie ran them all off with her jealousy...

Oh hun!!!  Try to renew those friendships. Start by telling them she is gone and will NEVER be back. You might be surprised how they take it. I had a friend that was in a similar situation. Her b/f ran all her friends off except for me since I was out of town going to college. I was only in town at Christmas other than summer. She got rid of him and started caller her friends and got most of them back.

well, i never had many to begin with and the majority of them live at least an hour away (if not more.) so, i could renew some of the friendships but it just won't be the same. i really need to figure out some way to meet people around here. but then, there's that whole trust thing again...

it takes a lot of talking and observing to gain someone's trust hon.  which invariably involves a lot of time.  I think once you find that some people that you run into aren't all that bad, I think you'll be able to trust yourself to trust others again.

and then that brings up the whole issue of my anti-social nature. "social anxiety disorder" and all that jazz. but i'm taking 50mg's of elavil nightly AND 1000mg's of depakote daily (500mg's at a time) so i'm hoping that once these medications get into my system real good then maybe i'll be better able to deal with "people". but as for right now, i just can't bring myself to allow anyone to get close to me. i "want" that certain special someone. i "want" to be happy and comfortable and "in love" and all that stuff. but i just can't see how that's even possible. i honestly don't trust anyone anymore. (besides you guys but y'all don't count. y'all are just anonymous people on the internet. just words on a screen, kwim? no offense or anything though...)

First of all you need friends, not "a special friend". You need folks  you can hang out with, laugh with, cry with, go to the movies with--casual stuff. The ones who stick around then become "possibles" but still are friends. Trust is built from predictability over time.  TIME and PREDICTABILITY being the key words. So just hang out, check out Home Depot or other similar places. Pay attention in the grocery store, PTO or a book store. Say "hi" to people whether you know them or not. Smile at people. Even with anxiety disorder these kind of things are do-able. You just need to get to know some folks in your town, even straight couples who are parents of Kensie's friends. 

Next you need to learn to love yourself. There must be sliding scale therapy nearby. If not, get a library card and read self-help books. (PM me and I'll suggest some). Do positive affirmations religiously. When you are independent and believe in yourself you'll give off different vibes. When you are comfortable with you and are content being a mom and a woman, and know that you can be happy just as you, you'll have a better chance of meeting a healthy person. You can't attract anyone healthier than you are, so get yourself into who you want to be first.

This will take time, the time you need for Predictable over Time with whatever friends you make. When you do start dating, set a time period for yourself to remain celibate in the relationship--like 6 months. Again, TIME, and think about how she/he treats other people. When you get to this point, let me know and I'll send you a list of things to be aware of.

We will all support you on your journey as you have seen today, so hang in there!

Connie