Some Ponderings

As I go on my journey, I look back to the times when I was pre-op and I was so afraid of people judging me on the way I looked and always afraid of making myself look like a fool in front of a crowd because of my body.  I ran away from the "scene" and locked myself up in my home for a few years.  Not going anywhere or doing anything and keeping out of sight.  Just go to work and come home.  I got comfortable with that.  Too comfortable. 

Now that I'm ready to throw myself back out into the mix and get out of the house more often, those fears are coming back to haunt me.  Afraid of rejection....afraid of the attention I would get.....afraid of making myself look like an idiot because of body issues.  I want to be social again but there's these nagging thoughts holding me back.  Have I gotten too comfortable with being alone?  I haven't been in the scene for about 5 years now.  Maybe I need to see a shrink about this.

Anyone else go through something like this?

social anxiety disorder, i have it too and it sucks a big one! i'm thin now and somewhat attractive (certainly WAY more attractive than i have been in the last 10+ years!) ANNNND, i'm single now too. so why am i not trying to go out and meet people and get back into the "scene" as you put it?

idk... it's been so long since i've been a part of anything like that. i always use kensie as an excuse (or a shield rather) for not being social. i'm a single parent so obviously i can't do anything on school nights. and then when the weekend rolls around well... i don't know anybody that could be a sitter for me (and don't have any money to go out either.)

and then when she's in decatur for the weekend with my family i say that i'm too tired to go out and i just want to stay home and relax. *sigh* i'm 31 and already i'm an "old maid"

You are not alone in that department. I also went the keep to myself route for a number of years after my last relationship broke up. I too am trying to figure out how to get back into the "scene". It is not only scary, but difficult as I live in a small town that doesn't have much to offer in the way of community. I have absolutely no idea how to meet people anymore, and am afraid of sounding like an idiot when first meeting new people. I don't post much on these boards either for the same fear.....
 

If you find an answer, please share :)

Oh Aaron I know what your saying.
It could be social anxiety disorder, I was a mess until I started Zoloft.........mmmmmmmmmm Zoloft!
It became my lifesaver, as for meeting people, I could never meet people in the scene, but I could meet people over the internet, I put an advert on Bear 411, and the best friend of my husband saw it, showed my husband and he contacted me, we emailed a few times, went on a date and the rest is history, we have been together I think seven years now he is the best and we have now adopted a fine young man.

You will get a lot of frogs before you find your prince however LOL, but dude that's the fun of the journey, enjoy It

I have always been big so I had adopted the attitude of "Love me, love my size". That was before I reached my high. I was about 350 when I got married and then hit my high of 387. When I was that big I didn't want to go anyplace cause I was afraid people would look at us and think the fat couple. Now since surgery, I have had to realize that I am not the fattest person in the room anymore. I now love going out and have people look at us and I know it's them looking and wondering how the hubby got me. (He is still over 300.) I just laugh to myself at my secret. I do prefer to stay at home tho but that is the Cancer in me coming out. Good luck with finding someone, I met mine online.

I can relate.  I haven't been a part of the "scene" for about 5 years now.  I am not sure if it had to do with weight, but I know that when I was at my highest, I felt extremly self conscious.  I used to be such a social person.  I want to get back out there.  I feel a lot better about myself and feel the urge to go out and see people.

Hi Aaron:

I did quite the opposite, but for the same reasons. I was always and still am scared to death people are going to laugh at me or make fun of me... So I deal with it by putting myself out there as the clown.. So if they are going to laugh I will give them something to laugh at.

I have been seeing an LGBT therapist and she has been my lifesaver.. I highly reccomend it. I still have the same issues 139 pounds lighter... But they are getting better one day at a time!

Much love and support!

I know what you mean.  Try and go somewhere different on weekends even if for 1/2 hour.  (If you lived here I would send you to the Castro just to shop in a different store or area for a  little while at a time)  After a while you will get use to saying hi and realize people are actually saying hi back.  Heck, even if you volunteer to be an angel for people having surgery.......... they will remember and bring you into their family.  You can do this even if one step at a time!~Ann~

Oddly enough, for every 10lbs I lose, it seems like I lose 20lbs of insecurity. I've been out to bars lately that I never would have gone out to, and went in like I own the place. I never fear the looks or judgements I get because to me they are insignificant.

I'm slowly chippping away at the hermit I used to be. When I stay in on a Saturday now, it's more because I find it tedious than intimidating.

Thanks to everyone for your input.  It seems to me that I have a lot of work ahead of me to get this rats nest of a brain to cooperate :)  HUGS!!!