oh brother ~ i need some advice please...
okay so i've been trying to keep my personal stuff off the boards (for the most part) and just "vent" in my external blogs but right now i need for someone to actually read what i write and give me some feedback please.
my girlfriend left me back in the beginning of august (the day before my daughter went back to school) but we still talk (mostly arguing though) and she still has stuff in the house that i'm trying to sort through and get back to her AND she still owes me for her half of our shared expenses from when we were living together. she's dragging her ass on paying for these things and as a result, my utilities are in danger of being shut off as are a number of other things (car insurance, etc.)
well, my birthday was on the 11th and my daughter's birthday is tomorrow. she didn't do anything for me on my birthday except to send me a text message about halfway through the day saying happy birthday. (which is totally okay by me because i don't really like to celebrate my birthday any more anyway and plus, we aren't together any more either.)
this afternoon i have to leave work early and pick up my daughter and one of her friends AND my ex-girlfriend because we have a girl scout troop meeting from 4-5pm and i'm the leader and my ex is the co-leader. katie's been texting me for the last few minutes and telling me that she got kensie something for her birthday and that she would help me throw a birthday party for her at the park on sunday if i wanted and we could cook out or something. i told her that we really weren't planning on a party this year because i can't afford it but that we could do a cookout, just the three of us if she wanted.
then she started saying something about how about she takes me and kensie out to logan's steakhouse tonight after the girl scout meeting instead to celebrate my birthday AND kensie's birthday. i happen to love the filet mignon from logan's but i hardly ever go out to eat because it's just so expensive. kensie loves logan's so i know that she'd be alright with it. but... then there's this part of me (the practical and responsible part) that says that this is totally unnecessary and that we shouldn't go out to eat tonight. that money could be better spent on other things such as her half of the past due utilities, etc.
so i'm not really sure what to do. do i allow her to treat us to dinner tonight? do i tell her that i'd prefer the cookout on sunday instead? do i tell her to just not worry about it or maybe let her buy kensie's supper and just tell her that i've already eaten? or what...??
my girlfriend left me back in the beginning of august (the day before my daughter went back to school) but we still talk (mostly arguing though) and she still has stuff in the house that i'm trying to sort through and get back to her AND she still owes me for her half of our shared expenses from when we were living together. she's dragging her ass on paying for these things and as a result, my utilities are in danger of being shut off as are a number of other things (car insurance, etc.)
well, my birthday was on the 11th and my daughter's birthday is tomorrow. she didn't do anything for me on my birthday except to send me a text message about halfway through the day saying happy birthday. (which is totally okay by me because i don't really like to celebrate my birthday any more anyway and plus, we aren't together any more either.)
this afternoon i have to leave work early and pick up my daughter and one of her friends AND my ex-girlfriend because we have a girl scout troop meeting from 4-5pm and i'm the leader and my ex is the co-leader. katie's been texting me for the last few minutes and telling me that she got kensie something for her birthday and that she would help me throw a birthday party for her at the park on sunday if i wanted and we could cook out or something. i told her that we really weren't planning on a party this year because i can't afford it but that we could do a cookout, just the three of us if she wanted.
then she started saying something about how about she takes me and kensie out to logan's steakhouse tonight after the girl scout meeting instead to celebrate my birthday AND kensie's birthday. i happen to love the filet mignon from logan's but i hardly ever go out to eat because it's just so expensive. kensie loves logan's so i know that she'd be alright with it. but... then there's this part of me (the practical and responsible part) that says that this is totally unnecessary and that we shouldn't go out to eat tonight. that money could be better spent on other things such as her half of the past due utilities, etc.
so i'm not really sure what to do. do i allow her to treat us to dinner tonight? do i tell her that i'd prefer the cookout on sunday instead? do i tell her to just not worry about it or maybe let her buy kensie's supper and just tell her that i've already eaten? or what...??
Ok this is purely my opinion. Feel free to disregard :)
You have to figure out where your head is. Your relationship is officially over, but your heart isnt. You are still as connected as if she were living there. And if thats what you want, then thats ok. However, continuing to act as a family makes it hard on you and your daughter when its over. And makes you feel as if you are breaking up all over again.
In my experiance, closure doesnt even start till you get her stuff out, the bills settled and find a new co leader for girlscouts. So in the meantime muddying the water isnt always a great plan. Unless of course, you want her back? Thats why I say you have to examine your motives.
You cant be FRIENDS with your ex until you redraw your boundries. And you cant do that while she is still standing inside your box. :)
Good luck...been there....done that :)
You have to figure out where your head is. Your relationship is officially over, but your heart isnt. You are still as connected as if she were living there. And if thats what you want, then thats ok. However, continuing to act as a family makes it hard on you and your daughter when its over. And makes you feel as if you are breaking up all over again.
In my experiance, closure doesnt even start till you get her stuff out, the bills settled and find a new co leader for girlscouts. So in the meantime muddying the water isnt always a great plan. Unless of course, you want her back? Thats why I say you have to examine your motives.
You cant be FRIENDS with your ex until you redraw your boundries. And you cant do that while she is still standing inside your box. :)
Good luck...been there....done that :)
yeah and that's totally the problem here. it IS over and she WILL be moving back to new mexico "supposedly" after she finishes paying me what she owes me. (but who the heck knows when that will be???) and as far as a co-leader goes, i really don't have any options *at this time* but she assured me that she'd help me find someone to take her place before she leaves for new mexico.
so, we won't be getting back together. period. unless it's sometime waaayy down the road when a LOT of time has passed and we've both had time (i'm talking YEARS here) to figure out who we really are and what we really want, kwim? we BOTH have mental/emotional issues to deal with on our own so rekindling this relationship isn't in anyone's best interest (at this time.)
BUT (and here's where it gets confusing) when we were together we WERE a family. she was more of a mom/dad to kensie than her own father has EVER been. and she swore up and down to kensie that no matter what, she'd always be there for her. even if she and i aren't together, she'll always be mom/dad to kensie. i don't have a problem with that. in fact, i admire her for standing up like that.
where the problem comes in is... do i "take advantage" of her wanting to treat us to an expensive dinner? or do i find some way to back out and maybe hint to her that she should take that money up to the utility department instead? and if so, HOW would i word that so that i don't sound ungrateful and so that i don't trigger another argument?
so, we won't be getting back together. period. unless it's sometime waaayy down the road when a LOT of time has passed and we've both had time (i'm talking YEARS here) to figure out who we really are and what we really want, kwim? we BOTH have mental/emotional issues to deal with on our own so rekindling this relationship isn't in anyone's best interest (at this time.)
BUT (and here's where it gets confusing) when we were together we WERE a family. she was more of a mom/dad to kensie than her own father has EVER been. and she swore up and down to kensie that no matter what, she'd always be there for her. even if she and i aren't together, she'll always be mom/dad to kensie. i don't have a problem with that. in fact, i admire her for standing up like that.
where the problem comes in is... do i "take advantage" of her wanting to treat us to an expensive dinner? or do i find some way to back out and maybe hint to her that she should take that money up to the utility department instead? and if so, HOW would i word that so that i don't sound ungrateful and so that i don't trigger another argument?
How about simply saying, I would love to go to dinner, but the best present you could give us both is to take the money you would spend on dinner, and pay the utilites so we have power next week. save twenty out and hit fast food together and call it good? Trying to keep someone else from getting mad is a pretty slippery slope to climb :)
ok, lemme back up a sec, lols. when we moved in august *I* had to move everything by myself because she was working and wouldn't take time off of work to help me pack or move. well, as a result of that (loading furniture onto and off of a u-haul by myself) i got a hernia. so i went to see my surgeon and he said that i'm not allowed to lift, push or pull anything for the next 4 weeks and then i can't lift, push or pull anything 10 pounds or more for the 2 weeks after that.
she was off work that next wednesday and was *supposedly* working on unpacking and stuff. but she was texting me like every two minutes and just chit-chatting. then late in the day she texted me and said that she had been working hard all day but that there's just so much to do and it'll look like she hasn't done anything but don't get mad because she's trying. i replied back and said "ok, that's fine. but just so you know, this part of the move is going to have to be up to you because of my hernia. my surgeon said that i can't lift, push or pull anything for the next 4 weeks and then i can't lift, push or pull anything 10 pounds or more for the 2 weeks after that." so she got mad at me and moved out
personally, i don't see anything wrong with how i worded that but apparently it pissed her off enough for her to want to end the relationship completely.
so again, knowing how easily "set off" she is... how could i possibly word it so that she doesn't take offense to my not wanting to eat out tonight?
she was off work that next wednesday and was *supposedly* working on unpacking and stuff. but she was texting me like every two minutes and just chit-chatting. then late in the day she texted me and said that she had been working hard all day but that there's just so much to do and it'll look like she hasn't done anything but don't get mad because she's trying. i replied back and said "ok, that's fine. but just so you know, this part of the move is going to have to be up to you because of my hernia. my surgeon said that i can't lift, push or pull anything for the next 4 weeks and then i can't lift, push or pull anything 10 pounds or more for the 2 weeks after that." so she got mad at me and moved out
personally, i don't see anything wrong with how i worded that but apparently it pissed her off enough for her to want to end the relationship completely.so again, knowing how easily "set off" she is... how could i possibly word it so that she doesn't take offense to my not wanting to eat out tonight?
{ Big hug emoticon here}
Don't know how to word it, but perhaps you should let her know that it would benefit Kensie most in the long run if the utilities didn't get shut off this fall, so could she take the money for Logans and the cookout to the utility company. Ya'll would be happy to join her for (a hike, swim, art-walk, octoberfest - something free) so Kensie could spend time with her before she moves.
I agree that she's got you hostage with the girl scouts issue and that it would be best if there could be a replacement co-leader. Maybe the local girlscout leadership could step in and help with a replacement since I doubt your ex is motivated by any desire other than to stay in and grind you. Surely troup leaders have irreconcilable differences all the time even if there never was a sexual relationship involved.
Can ya stay focused on Kensie and use the fact that you don't want to end up in small claims/ family court over the bills issues and if you do end up there, as biological parent, you would end up with all the rights over whether there is contact between 'the harrassing ex-roommate who is alleging lesbian rights' and the perfectly reasonable parent who doesn't want this crazy deadbeat messing with her daughter?
Good luck.
Don't know how to word it, but perhaps you should let her know that it would benefit Kensie most in the long run if the utilities didn't get shut off this fall, so could she take the money for Logans and the cookout to the utility company. Ya'll would be happy to join her for (a hike, swim, art-walk, octoberfest - something free) so Kensie could spend time with her before she moves.
I agree that she's got you hostage with the girl scouts issue and that it would be best if there could be a replacement co-leader. Maybe the local girlscout leadership could step in and help with a replacement since I doubt your ex is motivated by any desire other than to stay in and grind you. Surely troup leaders have irreconcilable differences all the time even if there never was a sexual relationship involved.
Can ya stay focused on Kensie and use the fact that you don't want to end up in small claims/ family court over the bills issues and if you do end up there, as biological parent, you would end up with all the rights over whether there is contact between 'the harrassing ex-roommate who is alleging lesbian rights' and the perfectly reasonable parent who doesn't want this crazy deadbeat messing with her daughter?
Good luck.
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