Possible Relationship Issues after WLS

I have been reading all of the other boards and am concerned.  I am just about finished jumping through the insurance hoops and ready to have surgery.  I am newly and very happily married.  We have been together three years prior.  It seems that there are quite a few divorces that have happened or blamed on this type of surgery.  I was wondering if that is just a hetero thing or is it happening with everyone.  I must add that we both believe in extreme honesty and communication.  My worry is that I am about to get the life I want and lose the best thing that has happened to me this far in life.

I have been with my husband for 14 years. He loves me for who I am ......when we met when I was 215 lbs.......and topped out at 310 lbs.. It did  not change his love for me......I think has to do more with YOUR self image after the surgery. Your wife could get scared that YOU will change and leave her.......I know it was a little hard for Russ when I started to get attention from other guys. He knows that I would never leave him.....and I love him for who he is.  Russ is a handsome man (I have the pics to prove it). I have always felt lucky that he loved me....no matter what I looked like.
I would talk to your wife about how she will feel about your exterior changing....and let her know the interior stays the same............about the relationship break up.....Many people think this surgery will FIX a relationship.....that is not true.  An unhappy relationship is STILL an unhappy relationship.....at 400lbs or 140lbs
 

Baby,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I will tell you my boyfriend of 5 years DUMPED me when I started this supervised diet.. He said "I LIKE'M BIG AND THATS IT!  IF YOU GET SKINNY ITS OVER" Quite honestly the relationship was about over anyway. But, my feeling is that this is something that I need to do for my health for my self and it will only improve the quality of life for ME. If the people around me who " SAY THEY LOVE ME" arent all willing to support me WELL THEN HONEY,  GET OUT OF THE WAY! If you feel that going through all this is right for you then you NEED to do it. Anyone who loves you now if they truly love you now will love you after surgery. Sounds to me that if you took the step into marrage then your partner probubly loves you reguardless of what body you're in.. I wouldnt worry about it.

 I agree with Sean and Bully.  If the relationship is on shakey ground to begin with, then something like this or any life changing thing can plink it over the edge.  But if it's that fragile is it worth having?  I think your health and well being is more important.  If your wife truly wants what's best for you, and you guys are open and honest as you say, then i think it will bring you closer together.  My husband is very supportive of my decision to have surgery.  He's watched me struggle for years with my weight, and he knows it's not for lack of trying that I have gotten no where.  He's excited for me, and has helped me with my research.  But yes, i think it can happen to anyone who does not have a solid relationship, whether it be from insecurity, or jealousy, etc. Talk to your partner at length about it.  Both of you explore how this decision is affecting each of you.  Then get through it together.  Good luck to you!!!

It all depends on how strong the relationship is to start with. If the relationship is in trouble anyway, it will likely get worse.

Our relationship has improved as my health has improved and we are able to enjoy more quality time together.

 Hi Rubetta, 

My partner and I have been together for about 8 years and have a really good relationship.  The surgery did bring about some insecurities in her, but we addressed them and moved on.  I think a few things can happen that puts stress on the situation. 

Are you guys eating buddies?  Do you like to sit down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and watch a movie?  Do you love to go out to eat a lot?  Because those things WILL change.  My partner and I went through some adjustments when I was no longer able to enjoy the same food related activities. BUT, thankfully, that was not the basis of our relationship and I don't suspect it is the basis of yours. 

As you lose weight I think partners do worry you are changing as you gain confidence you haven't had for quite some time.  I know I walk a little taller - I care more about what I wear and how I look because I actually have times I feel really good about myself.  So there is a change.  However, my partner has embraced this and, after some concerns expressed, is happy for me. 

Your job is to reassure your partner that you are YOU - weight loss doesn't equate to brain loss and you love her and always will.  Our bodies are harshly judged by society (and ourselves) so people sometimes wrap more into it than it is.  You love her today - you will love her tomorrow and plan on spending the rest of your life with her.  

You also need to realize there will be a change for her.  You may be grumpy somedays related to what you can and can't eat.  You may experience some depression related to losing your old "friend" (food) and other days you may be bouncing off the wall with energy and it may annoy the crap out of her.  So my suggestion is to check in regularly - share your concerns with her - let her know how much you love her as often as possible and make sure she lets you know when she is feeling insecure.  When she does - don't minimize it - reassure her.... we all need that. 

That is my opinion - experience etc.  I don't mean to sound like a preacher - I just know how important my relationship is to me AND how much this surgery has improved my life.  Don't NOT get the surgery based on this.  AS the others have said - if your relationship is strong now - you guys will be fine. 

Best to you! 
Shelley

Like most pre-ops, I'm sure over the past several months you have done a huge amount of research and soul-searching, talked to other post-ops, read the books, gone to the meetings -- all in preparation for this life-changing adventure we are about to embark on.  I think it's normal, after learning of negative experiences some people have had, to wonder whether we, too, will find ourselves in similar situations:  Will I suffer strictures, hernia, and ulcers?  What if my pouch leaks, my band slips, my hair falls out? 

          What if my marriage fails?

As far as relationships go, what I take away after reading the posts here is that WLS will deepen and strengthen good relationships -- and will worsen bad ones.  Listen to yourself:  Your marriage is "the best thing that has happened" in your life, you are "very happily married," and both you and your wife value "extreme honesty and open communication."  I, too, am blessed with a loving wife and terrific marriage (we been together 19+ yrs.).  After speaking with her about the difficulties some couples have faced following WLS, I am confident that we'll be just fine.  Something tells me that, like us, your marriage will not only survive, it will THRIVE!

Hang in there, stay positive, and good luck to the four of us!

My wife and I have been together over 25yrs. I admit that I started to think about WLS 4yrs ago or so. We had major conversations a year ago about my having surgery. She was not for it. I tabled the issue and brought it back up recently. Now she is very supportive. We are proceeding and I am sure our relationship will get better and stronger during this change of life just like it has with all the others..

I do know that this is going to be a huge change taking the food out of the center of my activities.

I think this type of thing can happen to anyone.  When significant change happens, whether that's something like WLS or loss (like a death in the family) or even something really good (like a new child) or a radical change of career, it can magnify difficulties in the relationship. 

If you have a good sound relationship, and you can talk things out, then I would think you're way ahead of the game. 

I also have a personal theory about why this happens sometimes.  As I look back on my life, I see a lot of times where I "settled" for what people were willing to give me in a relationship, (friendship-type or otherwise) mostly because I felt so lousy about myself.  As the body gets healthier and we feel better about ourselves, maybe we're not so willing to "settle" for what we're given.  Maybe we have expectations for the first time.  I know that I am a lot more open with my husband now than I was before.  We've always had a good relationship, but there was a piece of me that I reserved for myself, as kind of a protective measure.  That piece is smaller now.  I also ask for things I want now, which I would never do before. 

Talk with your spouse openly and honestly about your fears and keep the lines of communication open.  Whether you have this surgery or not, this is the key to a successful relationship of any kind. 

I will admit the the hubby always said that he would love me not matter what size I was. So far so good. Our problem now is that I am not taking his mother's crap and I am putting my foot down about him not doing a thing about how she has treated/treats me. We are seeing a therapist and that is helping but as of right now divorce is not in the future.