What to be a better Mom to my son

Hey all…

 

I saw this board from a lick from the main… Although I cant find it anywhere eles? But I had a question and I hope maybe some of  you could offer some advice. First I want you all to know that this is me being open and honest…and I hope I don’t offend anyone cause that is not my goal..I just want to be a better mother for me son..

 

Ok…. I have a 17 year old son. He pretended for a long time that he was not gay, but I always knew from the time he was like 3 years old that he was and I just waited for him to tell me. When he did come out to me… We were in the car and he got all emotional and welded up and said he had something to tell me and he told me he was gay. I said cause he and I often connect with humor and he was already so upset.. “No Kidding” I have known that since you were little I was just waiting for you to figure it out…congratulations welcome to your life” He got a big smile and said I love you.. It was a great moment one that I had been preparing for, for a long time..my therapist told me “when he tell you what you say will impact who he is for the rest of his life” so I wanted to do the right thing.

So he knows I love him no matter what and I support him and we talk about just about anything…and he does try to tell me some things about him being gay and guys and things and I try so hard , but I still am having a hard time. I can except that hes gay..but then when I am faced with what that really means “his being with men sexually” I get very uncomfortable. I don’t get wigged out seeing men show affection for eachother, but make my son one of those men and I just cant seem to handle it.. So I am telling him I am fine with his being gay..but I cant witness his being gay.. I couldn’t handle seeing him kiss another boy… Why am I having such a hard time with the visual part of this.. I can know its going on and Im ok but I cant see it.. I hate that I am sending him mixed messages.. Im ok with it.but Im not…

I wrote him a note yesterday..and I said that I was so proud of him and that I was also so impressed with the group of friends he has, cause they all really get it..”they love eachother just because who they are inside and that’s all the matters..they don’t judge” And I said I wish I was as mature as this group of 17 year old when it came to acceptance..And although I may not be there yet..I am trying and I will continue to work at it until I do get there…He came to me and said” I know you try mom, Its ok”.

I need to get over this…How? I know a mom who get freaked out about kid being sexual regardless of there orentation..but Im not talking about explicit things.. I just want to beable to have him show normal public affection with someone and not get freaked out about it.

 

Thank you all for understanding..Please don’t yell at me..

Hey Brenda, I think you are awesome. You love your son no matter what, and that is the most important thing.  Time is your best friend here and the road we say we cannot walk on today, we will run down tomorrow.
In the meantime, look up your local PFLAG(Parents & Friends of Lesbians,Gay & Trans) chapter and attend a meeting.  I am a member and I really like the organization adn the work they do.
Take care!

Oh sweetheart, why would we yell at you for being such an understanding mom. Physically affection between men is a HUGE sociatal taboo. You would literally have to be from another planet to not be effected by it.

What I am going to suggest may sound too 'woo-woo' or new agey, but it is easy, doesn't hurt anything, and could make a big difference for you. There is an energy therapy called EFT, their website is www.emofree.com . Learn the basic formula and then tap through the sequence several times while first just generally thinking about men being affectionate with men. Maybe start with episodes of strangers you may have seen in the past. Tap on any phrases that come up - maybe parents, pastors, passing strangers who said judgemental things. As things clear up (loose their emotional hooks), tap the sequence and imagine more specific and more detailed scenes involving your son. EFT has truely done amazing things releasing hooked emotions for me and for my partner.

Good luck brave lady!!

Hi,

I think life is a journey not a destination.  You are fantastic.  How your working through your son's truth is awesome.  There is so much to learn and figure out.  I'm 36 and my parents can't handle it still and there was an awful reaction that is too long and painful to re-cap.  It took us 15 years to find each other again.   The key to remember is you're a mom...you may be worried, there is no manual or right way to parent, he's come out to you and now your coming out too.  As much as it is for him...exciting new, scary, uncharted waters...that's you too.  You're a mom that is protective and now your trying to do what you've done all his life...fast forward educate and try to keep him from getting hurt.  Please know there are going to be mistakes and there are going to be fears and confusions.  Trust yourself and be mindful that he's risking and your being pushed too.  I think it's reasonable to look at his new potential relationships as if he was in a str8 relationship. He needs to be respectful regarding PDA, no teen should have sex without sex education, no he shouldn't have boyfriends stay over, no he can't go to bars, no he shouldn't be out late at night, I think he has nothing to be ashamed about if he finds a boyfriend, but I think he should have a clear idea of relationship and respect just like other parents have for their str8 kids...I mean just because he's gay doesn't mean those values or expectations change.  He can't throw out the gay card to not show respect.  You've already embrased him...don't let him take advantage and skip common sense. I appreciate your post and I'm so glad you posted here. 

In short your a cool mom...but you've expressed your acceptance...but setting boundries and being clear isn't unreasonable. 

I would suggest that he could get involved with the Fenway Boston they have teen groups and sex education.  Maybe he doesn't need it...but its always great to have a structured support group.  On the other hand...I like the idea of recommending the PFLAG for you.  I think you might be in the information stage...give me everything you can...soaking up as much as you can.

Anyway that's my thoughts on the topic.

Carrie

Thank you all... Its means alot to me that I am not completly of track.. I did look into the support group you all mentioned and I have concidered it... I think I will take another look...

HEY YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOM !! So my Dad told me he knew since I was 11...My Mom was in Shock !!! I was 28 and had met my husband and knew he was the man I would spend my life with. At first my mother was awkward at best ! She was able to accept are affection only after a while and now calls my husband "Her favorite son in law".
I want to stress to you that effection in a gay relationship is hard for many people to get their head around. We were programed to think that gay affection was immoral, abohorant and unnatural. That is the way we were brought up. I  believe your response is very healthy. I am sure that you will slowly be able to get comfortable with the affection. Also understand that affection and sex are two very different things !!! It is natural to link them together. They are very different. I would NEVER would expect you to "get" the sexual part.  I only urge that you stress the importance of safe sex. We can assist you with that.  He can stop by for support questions...ect. I do not live all that for from you so how ever I can help LET ME KNOW....OH I am a child psychiatric nurse...so I am comfortable with talking about anything....and remember 

YOU ARE AN AWSOME MOM...

Thank you very much for your kind words..
So far I have not had to comfront my discomfort because we have not let him bring a boy home..We also have a 5 year old son and dont know that hes ready for the explanation yet.. And also my other son is not ready to be complelty out and if he were to let my 5 year old in on it..Well then he would be complely out... I cant hear the little one now..telling everyone he come in contact with (event he cashier at the store) "Hey my brother likes to kiss boys".  Hes the kind of kid who never shuts up! 

I psychiatric nurse huh! You would then find my son right up your alley..He is also bipolar..So to say the least the kid has had alot to deal with in his 17 years.  We are struggleing with his inability to move forward in his life..Scared I think and we are having DMH come in to assist him with planning his future come graduation.. I could get into all the bipolar stuff, but thats even more confussing than the gay stuff. 

Look back at some of my other posts...and you will see some things I have written about him. Again thank you so much..

By the way .. How do I find this board again.. Its not listed under other forums...

You can book mark it - up at the up of the page on the right, look for "Bookmarks"

As gay people, from the minute they put pink or blue booties on us, we are in training to be straight.  We have gone through school with them, worked alongside them, socialized with them and attended their bonding rituals and rites of passage.  Many of us can pass for straight people and some of us may even have MARRIED straight people.  As we were growing up, every TV show, movie, and book gave us more information and, over the years, we've amassed a tremendous amount.

On the other hand, our straight brothers and sisters know precious little about us -- except for what they may have been told or led to believe by a homophobic society.  Being gay is not a sex act or something you do.  Although there are many similaries between us, we as gays are a distinct culture -- with our own customs, mores, and collective history.

You sound like a mother who loves her son and is trying hard to reconcile his homosexuality in theory, with what your understanding is of what "gays do."   You will never know what it is to be a homosexual, and your son will go through a lot of growth and experiences before he gets to know himself.  Keep loving him without judgement, and continue to reach out for help and support.  By all means, get to a P-FLAG meeting!  All of those parents have  been where you are now.

Good luck to you and your son.