How do you handle flirters?

I'm just coming out of a 15-year relationship, and folks I feel like a babe in the woods. I'm 40 years old, so have been in this relationship since my mid-20s. I feel like a lot of things that I should have learned ages ago, about how to flirt, when it's safe to open up to someone new, when to run like heck in the other direction, etc.. These things are all coming in to play now in my life and, heaven help me, I haven't the foggiest idea what to do. Also, I just got a little hurt by a friend who was flirting very heavily, and I interpreted it to mean something more than she intended. So I let my heart get ahead of my brain, and wound up getting my heart a little trampled. So I'm trying to figure out to do handle flirting better the next time around. How do you know when something's going beyond flirting? Finally, I had a pretty great friendship with the person where we had the flirting "misunderstanding." We've been able to talk about what happened, and are trying to figure out if we can maintain our friendship, which is something we'd both like to do if it can be done in way that's healthy for both of us. I'm taking a self-imposed hiatus from contact with her, so I can get my emotions back in order. Also, we've been casual friends for a couple years, had become closer in the past six months, and the heavy flirting only last for a couple weeks before she hit the proverbial breaks. So there's more history to the friendship than the flirting. I'm just wondering whether it's possible or reasonable to think that we may be able to maintain a good friendship... Thanks for listening, and thanks for any thoughts you can offer - it's appreciated... Kellie

As a straight women on here, I'm not much good with the flirting advice, but I did want to send you good thoughts for healing for your trampled heart. My only thought would be on the friendship part. You were friends, right? Sounds like it was a really good friendship. Maybe let it cool for a while and then call and see how things are. A really good friendship usually can take a few hits. I hope you have a wonderful day today.

Thanks for your kind reply, Shirley. We were good friends and we've always both felt a really strong connection to each other. We're able to talk about pretty much anything, and we just have fun together (hiking, walking, lunch, movies, etc.). I've never been in this situation before -- been friends w/ someone then had romantic feelings develop that didn't work out -- so am just not sure what's reasonable to expect. It's further complicated because we've both acknowledged that we have stronger feelings for each other, but she is not in a place in her life where it's something she can explore. And I know her and her current situation well enough to know she's not just feeding me a line of crap about that... Ah, life can be so complicated... Anyway, I hope you are right that our friendship can weather this particular storm. She's someone that I truly value, and I hope we're able to find our way back to a happy, comfortable friendship.... Thanks again - Kellie

I am coming out of a 5 year relationship too, so I feel your flow. However, I've developed crushes/deeper romantic feelings for friends most of my life. (apparently what does the trick for me as a friend, does the trick for me romantically too). Generally the friendship was as safe as we let it be based on our actions/reactions. When I was absolutely smitten with a dear friend (str8 girl too, go figure) in my youth (15) I inadvertantly punished my friend for "making me love her" - - you can guess how great that turned out. Eventually we were able to reconnect, but we're not as close as we once were. As I've aged I've become much better with boundaries - and understanding what feelings are mine to deal with alone, and what feelings need to be shared. Anyone who is a dear friend of mine is someone I can tell the truth to. And someone who can tell the truth to me. It reads like you and your friend had one of those testing moments. And you're surviving it so far. I am a big believer that timing is everything. If it is meant to be, its time will come (as long as you seize the opportunity). Oh, and I'm finding I'm not as comfortable with the level of flirting I used to be. My wife and I were both notorious flirters, and very comfortable with that fact. Yesterday a friend of mine with whom I've been a flirter for almost a decade wanted to get flirty, and I found myself running. She was confused, called me on it, and I replied "well. . .before we were both taken women, it wasn't serious and there was no chance of misunderstanding. Now. . .well its just different now." She was confused but respected my boundries (thankfully!). Wishing you well, ~Lara

Can't give you the flirting advice other than I never figured it out either. I swear to you the hubby came right out and told me he was interested or I would have taken his flirting as harmless since he is a HUGE flirt. Had no clue he meant it. I am not kidding when I say he told me he loved me first and I freaked. I thought we were just friends and I was gonna be the one who got hurt cause I cared about him. Once I got used to it we were married about 4 months later and we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I have been in similar situations where I have misinterpreted flirting and gotten hurt. It's hard to pick up and move on. The most important thing is that you don't let it eat you alive. Also, I agree with my fellow hag on this one, if it was a good friendship it will survive a bump or two. You have to give it time sometimes but things will work out. As far as running in the other direction, if your mind gives you red flags LISTEN!!! I wish I did. I got involved with a guy that turned out to be married. Had no clue until it was too late. Figured it out after the fact and had already moved on. Hope some of this helps.

Me too...I am just learning(relearning) too. The dating thing sometimes feels sort of gamey but that is just what it is I guess. I have been trying to figure out who i am and what I want so I have a better idea of what to look for... At some point I think when you become too dependent on wanting a relationship...you just chase it away. I am trying to figure how how to be a better choser...friends tell me to have fun but I think I give my heart away too quick, that sometimes I am too flexible. Best of luck to you, if your friendship is important to you I think it would be worth working it out... deb

I'm not a beat around the bush sort of person. Flirting is sort of exemplifies it. It seems people want to know the other person is interested before they put their feelings out there. I would rather say, "I think you're attractive and would like to see you." Than guess at what the other person thinks. I tend to be very upfront but I'm also in a relationship so... my advice is dated at best. However, people get their feelings hurt sometimes because what they thought was different than what was discussed. Sometimes being nice is confused with flirting. I say, just ask and say what you feel. What's the worse that can happen? The other person doesn't feel the same. You won't know if you don't ask and it doesn't mean you cannot be friends. The hard part is admitting you find someone attractive and would like to see them in a romantic way and hearing they don't feel the same. It doesn't change the fact that you think they are hot. Is that the end of the friendship? I don't think so. Most of my friends are attractive. I'd rather spend time with people I enjoy looking at as opposed to ones I don't. That doesn't mean I want to have sex with all my friends. I'm just saying there is a an attraction. Sometimes, it's personality, sometimes looks, sometimes a combination. Good luck. Mick

Ok i'm a big flirt... I have found the best way to handle me/and others that flirt back is the :Talk is Cheap: Route... someone says something sassy...I say....'Yeah, Yeah Yeah..talk is cheap...if you wanna back that big talk up, get over here and gimme a kiss" I can laugh my way through anything...so I pull that off pretty good...at leat it sets some ground work... now speaking of flirting... HEY MICK....WHAT'S A GUY LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS....???

I must have taken a wrong turn in Athens if a greek god like you is here.

Oh Mick... You talk ****e just about as good as me.... You know sweet talk, always brings me to my knees...Sir