Starting to Doubt myself

This whole having to wait 6 months is working my last gay nerve. Last night I some how tripped over into doubt land and started 2nd guessing my decission to have surgery. "If God wanted your stomach setup that way he would have made it that way" "what if you're a statistic" "what if there really are emotional and psycological effects to this" CALGON!!!!! I'm sure this is totally normal and I'll move past this, but what was the crowning moment for everyone that put the nail on the coffin and helped make your mind up. I've never been afraid of death before, but wow... the things you start thinking about when you have it in the back of your head that there's that snowball chance that something could go wrong.

The process of waiting six months is a bummer. I had to do it too and was warned that if I missed a month by even one day with my doc appointment that I'd have to start over. My doc was great about making sure I got in each month. It's normal to have this kind of reaction that you are having. It basically makes you normal! I also had the death fears and so I made a list of songs for the funeral on my ipod and reviewed my will and did all that kind of stuff which seemed to give me comfort. My partner, who doesn't worry, thought I was nuts, but she already knew that. So, do what soothes you, besides eating, and use the time to develop some new soothing techniques that will help the rest of your life--journaling, meditation, talking to friends, etc. It will pass quicker than you can imagine. Connie

Thanks Connie I need to put together a will.. I'm hoping I can do one for free over the net or via software at the library. I imagine it wouldnt be so hard since everything goes to my partner basically. Only thing I ask is to be put in the ground before sunset, and that I'm burried in a pine box/cardboard box. I wouldnt even know where to start with a will >< And I'm assuming my life insurance at work is sufficient.

I'm not a lawyer, but here are some things I've learned from mine. You need a power of attorney for health care to give your partner the power to make decisions for you or else your parents or siblings will be called upon to make them. You need a separate document giving your partner the power to make the choices about your burial otherwise it reverts to family. You need your work insurance policies to go to your partner. Over the long haul what you both need is a revokable living trust but you may not want to be spending the money for that now. If you have any sizeable estate, though, you might want one now. If you guys own a house together you need to know if he automatically gets the house or if your family can get your half. You may want to check Nolo Press to get the latest copy of the material they put out on gay folks legal issues. If you can't find it, PM me and I'll search for it. Anything that makes you feel more secure, is probably in your better interest. Connie

Hi Tony: I am in the very beginning stages of this journey, and I have shared the feelings and doubts you are experiencing. As far as the whole "...if God wanted..." voice in your head, consider whether God created you to be obese and in physical and emotional pain for the rest of your life. The "crowning moment" for me was the realization that, if faced with the choice of coronary bypass surgery or dying of heart disease, the issue of whether I was revamping God's design of the human heart by choosing bypass surgery would never cross my (or anyone's) mind! There's no difference. We are facing down a life-threatening disease and, speaking for myself, I am more fearful of never having the opportunity to live life as I've always dreamed, than I am of dying on the table. Every operation carries with it inherent risk, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. What has made me feel better is that I've done my homework in terms of my doctor's experience and qualifications, read the patient reviews here, and have spoken to people who have had the surgery. Since I am most afraid of "going under," it helped to learn that the anestheisioligists and OR staff are specially trained in working with obese patients, whose risks are a little different than those of average weight patients. Try not to see the next six months as a waste of time, but try to make them count for something by educating yourself in every aspect of the operation and read about the experiences of post-op patients -- this way you will know what to expect. Information goes a long way towards eliminating fear. Once you have finished focusing on plans in the event of your death, try focusing on what it will be like to walk up a flight of stairs without sucking wind, to never worrying again if a chair will support you. Fantasize about throwing away your blood pressure medication, not being at risk for diabetes, and how hot you will look in a bathing suit! Most of all, continue to reach out -- there is so much support here. Hang in there, Tony, and I will too! Joanne JP

ahhh... see now that's what I wanted to hear.. I didn't think about the whole heart bypass and what not. ok now that totally cleared up a bunch of doubts. I've been reading weight loss for dummies and it's such an informative book. I need to look into other books as well. I'm sure the 6 month wait will go by fast... I do have 2 more things I'm pondering, my surgeon, and my surgery. I've been gung ho for the surgeon I picked because I know several people who've had him and are doing great. They also did the RNY and are doing great so I figured I'd go with that. The DS and the VSG just don't sound like what I want. I just want to be able to walk down the street without worrying about my pants falling apart from the thigh chaffing >

Chaffing -- god, I remember working in a stuffy corporate environment years ago where "appropriate office attire" was mandatory (before the days of "dress casual"). This meant jackets and ties for the men, and skirts and PANTY HOSE for the women. I had a several block walk to the subway station, then another walk from the station to home. In the hot humid weather, it was not unusual for me to develop open sores on my thighs from the chaffing. Talk about torture...

I have a question for you? What are the emotional and psycological affects to being obese? I have had people look past me like I don't count. That hurt. What made me decide to do this was the fact that I couldn't do a thing without pain. I had arthrhitis (sp) in my back, both knees, and my rt ankle. I now don't have problems with my back. The knees are better (I have no cartledge (sp) in my knees so that is gonna need surgery to get better) and the ankle is better too. I knew I would be dead from not being able to move and from pain if I didn't do something. I will admit right up until I was on the table I was wondering was there something else I could have done since this should only be used as a last resort. I kept wondering was there one more diet out there that I could try to lose the weight. I knew there wasn't but doubts are normal. I will be honest, I have some problems (esophogeal web, and now I am on my second stricture. Plus the gall bladder has to come out), but I would do this all again in a heart beat.

"I will admit right up until I was on the table I was wondering was there something else I could have done since this should only be used as a last resort. I kept wondering was there one more diet out there that I could try to lose the weight. I knew there wasn't but doubts are normal." Kathy, it's ironic to read this, since up until recently I wondered whether I have "tried everything," if I'm being "too hasty" in making this decision, if I should just "give Weigh****cher's one more try," etc. Then I stop and remember that I have tried loosing weight for over 25 years -- sometimes successfully -- only to regain it with interest. They say one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I'm tired of the insanity. And the physical pain, and the lack of mobility, and the dangerous health risks, and on, and on and on...

I had to remind myself of that same thing. I have been on diets since I was about 4. That's 31 years for any one doing the math. Ok 32 now but it was 31 at the time of surgery.