Mama desperatly needs advice (sorry long)

Hi ya'll. I am not a lesbian, but my 20 year old daughter is. I could REALLY use some advice. This will probably be very long, so please forgive me! We come from a very small Texas town (pop 365) I never realized my daughter was gay. Yes, she was a tomboy, wore her hair short, not into boys...I just never even thought about her being gay, never even crossed my mind! Fast forward to about 4 years ago, I met a man & fell in love, he flew me to Washington State to meet his family. My son stayed with family & we allowed my daughter to stay @ the house & with her friends & my best friend was checking in on her. Everthing seemed to go fine. We were back home, life going along & I went in my daughters room to make sure her computer was defragmented. I found saved instant messages about how a girl had flown in from New Mexico & they met & how they were in love & the time they had spent together while mom was in Washington. I was floored! Yes, partly because she was gay, but mostly that she blatantly lied to me. We had a huge blow up, she ended up going to her dad's, her choice. I told her she wouldn't take a damn thing I had bought her, I had flown off the handle, I admit. I cried all night, the next day, she came to the house to get a few things, i took one look @ her, hugged her & told her to come home. Yes, she was grounded. Yes, we took her cell phone (she had access to the home phone). We were moving to Alabama soon, my hubby is in the military. We let her go with her friends, since we were leaving. She wrote on her MySpace horrible things about me. I realize she was hurt. I understand that. She wrote how I was a homophobe. We were in a larger city one time, when she was probably in Jr. High. @ 2 girls were kissing, I mean down & dirty kissing, I said "that's nasty!" I would of said it if a man & a woman were kissing, or anybody, there is no need to kiss like that in public, in front of a grocery store. She has taken that incident & blown it up as far as she possibly can. She wrote how we kicked her out, then made her come home, then locked her in her room, woulldn't let her see anyone before we made her move to Alabama. None of that is true. She had a choice to stay in Texas, she chose to come. She ended up moving back home to graduate. Fast forward to Christmas 2006, we were moving from Alabama to Colorado & stayed in Texas for a couple of weeks. My daughter was living from house to house, dead end job & living with her 17 year old girlfriend. We had never even met the girl. We offered to let them come with us to Colorado. We paid their way, gas in the pickup, motel rooms, food, warm clothes, whatever they needed. They lived with us for 5 months, they were supposed to be saving money to be able to make it on their own. My daughter didn't get a job for almost 3 months. She never got insurance on her pickup, her girlfriend never even got an ID, we live on base. They didn't save any money. It all came to a head one night when my hubby confronted them about the insurance & having an ID. They started screaming at him, telling him what a horrible person he was, that is where I stepped in. I told them they had no right to talk to him that way, not after all he had done for them. Ended up, he gave them 2 weeks to leave, they got mad & packed their stuff that night. My daughter said goodbye before they left for Texas, but then I didn't hear from her for almost a year. We now talk, but I feel I have to be all sunshine & roses, for fear she will shut me out again. My children have been my life. I do not care if she is gay, straight, or in love with a monkey. I want her to be happy. I am not a homophobe & I am still deeply hurt about the things she wrote. People I have known all my life read those things. If I were a homophobe, would I of moved her AND her girlfriend in my home? Her girlfriend had emailed me approx 7 months ago, called me everthing but the child of God. She said horrible things to me. She emailed me several months later apologizing, telling me I was the closest thing to a mother she had. Her own family has kicked her out, many times. To be honest, I did not nor cannot accept her apology. I never even acknowledged I received the email. Do I continue to be Susie Sunshine or can I be Mom? My daughter is planning on trying to "own a business", she cannot even keep insurance on her pickup, she has even been arrested because of it. If she proceeds with this business deal, she will be affected for life. I am afraid to tell her not to do it. Do I sit back & let her make her own mistakes & just smile & say "way to go". Will she always consider me a homophobe & think I was/am a horrible mother? Do I just give up? What do I do? My heart is breaking, knowing she thinks so bad of me. I always thought we were so close. I considered her my best friend. Now, I don't even know her. I am sorry this is so long. I just have held this in so long & it is eating me alive. If you are still with me, thank you. If ya'll have ANY advice, please tell me. Bonnie

If your daughter is 20 and living on her own or with a girlfriend, she is an adult and doesn't need "mothering". She needs encouragement and support. Since you two don't have a great relationship now, you will need to sit back and let her make her own mistakes. If your relationship does improve over time, then and only then, you can say things like "from my perspective the business deal raises a few questions in my mind. Would you be interested in my perspective?" and then wait for a "yes" before you say anything else. Then say, "well, these are my concerns..., but you may have (or be able to get) more information on....than I have". I would also suggest you get involved with Pflag.org or even better, a local meeting if there is one, and educate yourself. There is so much homophobia, that even we have it ourselves and can catch ourselves in it. So even though you think you aren't expressing any, you probably are without even intentionally knowing it. Feel free to PM me if you need to. I have been with my partner 22 years and I am 64 years old and have a long perspective on this. Connie

I know you are right, but when she calls me, telling me her problems & things that are going on, how do I just keep saying "that's good", "good idea" or whatever positive thing I come up with, when I know it is a mistake? I have done my best to let her live her own life & not butt in. I know she has to make her own mistakes, we all do. I have no way to contact her, unless she calls or instant messages me. I sent her phone cards the other day, to make sure she can always contact me. I make sure & tell her I love her.....no matter what. I just feel so hopeless. It's like I am accepting to her but she is not to me. I checked the website. They do have meetings, but the last one was in December of last year. I will email them. I understand what you say about the homophobia, I guess it is no different than being an obese person & seeing another obese person & thinking "My God, she/he is fat!". Human nature can be a hateful thing. I have always tried to be very open minded & even taught my children to be accepting of others who are different...no matter what the difference is. Thank you for your perspective. I will go explore the site you gave me now. Bonnie

One of the things you can say to her current problems is: "Do you want me just to listen? or would you want my ideas on how to fix this?" Then you have given her the choice. You two may have a period while you aren't as close, but chances are she will come around a bit as she matures. One of the things I frequently say to my daughter is "wow, that's a complicated problem" "Have you decided how you are going to handle it?" It gives her the message that she is capable of handling it. You don't have to say "good, good", y ou can say "wow, life is much more complicated today" or "don't you wish there were magic wands?" Those are understanding without appearing controlling to her. Good luck to you! If you like to read see if you can find "Different Daughters". If you can't I think I might have an extra copy I could send you. Connie

That's a wonderful idea! Why didn't I think of that (slaps self of forehead!!) Thank you SO much, I knew there had to be something I could do, I just, for the life of me, could not come up with it! I am headed to the bookstore within the hour! I am an avid reader & to know I can read something to help me understand or reach her, is such a relief! You are a wonderful woman! My older sister's name is Connie, how did ya'll get to be so wise?! Me, I'm the goofy one, who everyone expects to make them laugh. Oh, but wouldn't I trade some of that humor for a little wisdom! Again, thank you. I actually feel like I have a little hope now! Forever your fan! Bonnie

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say good luck. I went through a rebellious stage with my mom when I was about the same age as your daughter. Now that I am older (almost 36) and living in CT and she is in OH we are closer than ever. Connie usually has good advice so listen to her. You are in good hands.

Thank you Kathy. In high school I was a hellion, after I graduated I worked with my mama & we became friends & I realized I actually liked her! lol! When I was 21 my mama got cancer. She was diagnosed right after Christmas & died Feb. 23rd. I have always tried to teach my kids that you never know when you will lose someone. I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open. I often tell them to let the petty stuff go & to not take family forgranted, because when that person is gone, they will have to live with whatever guilt they may have. I know, I live with the guilt of the stress & hurt I put my mama through, everyday! You are right about Connie, it's like she is the voice of reason & just reading the words she has typed, I feel soooo much better, I guess just knowing there is hope. I hope your Monday is a good one. Bonnie

Bonnie, I'm not an expert on mothering GLBT children (my daughter is 12 and so far doesn't have interest in boys or girls, so who knows), but I am a high school teacher, so I deal with teens all the time. I do think that all of Connie's advice is spot on. I really agree that you should ask your daughter what she wants/needs from you. I think she will be impressed that you are asking rather than giving her what you think she needs. I have several recently out students (17-19 year olds) who are convinced that their parents are blatant homophobes. After speaking to those parents, reading email conversations from them to their children (obviously the students asked me to read them!), etc., this is what I found: any student whose parents don't immediately throw a huge "coming out party" for them, become PFLAGG leaders, and post "my kid is gay and I love it" rainbow stickers on their cars are deemed homophobes. Of course this isn't true, but when you are a teenager, kids will sometimes polarize reactions: you will either do the things above (or similar) or you are a homophobe. I know, it is ridiculous to an adult, but that is how kids see it. Don't be hurt about all the MySpace posts. That is a safe place where kids can say, "whoa is me, my parents are horrible, blah blah blah." See it as an electronic (and public!) diary... those aren't necessarily her true feelings. She is just venting. Perhaps you shouldn't read it, for YOUR sake, not hers. At 20, I do agree that children need to make their own decisions and therefore the consequences of those decisions. At the same time, just because 20 is legally an adult, it is absolutely NOT an adult. Parents need to allow kids to fall, but parents are the soft pillow for them to land on. Identity isn't completely formed until they are 24. Who your daughter is right now is not who she will be forever; it is just who she is right now. If at 25, you still don't "know" her, then work on it. Right now, who she is is in flux. Okay, I've rambled long enough. Hope that helps.