Wondering If It's Worth It?

I haven't been coming to this board very long but have already made some fantastic friends who have given me support, but I'm still wondering if it's worth the pain I'm going through right now. I've been married for over 30 years and am in my early 50s. I have been fighting with myself at living this life in the closet (which I've done for over 10 years) or getting a divorce and hopefully finding some satisfaction in life. Right now neither seems like a positive choice. I'm scared of dumping my wife after all this time and then finding no one to be with and being alone. Is this a normal feeling? Saturday my wife and I got into a fight and I told her I'm tired of her always needing to be right. She knows I love men, but that issue hasn't surfaced lately. Well, she has hardly talked to me since so now I'm feeling even more depressed. I get more and more depressed as each day goes by. If not for the love and support of a couple guys on this board, I really wouldn't care anymore. I've met many gays that have been together with their partners for a long time and the sex is gone and they don't seem happy anymore. Is sex worth throwing away the life I've built. Your opinions are valued. Thanks so much! Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!

My heart goes out to you. I think your feelings are all normal. It is a rough place that you are in. You said the issue of you loving men has not surfaced between you and your wife lately, but I'd bet it is always there just below the surface...not good for either of you. I would think it be worse to stay in your marriage the rest of your life feeling miserable as opposed to becoming yourself. Not a decision one ever wants to make, but one that you sometimes have to make. Sending you positive energy from NY

April, Thanks so much. You don't know how much it means to me. You're right that the issue is right under the surface. She always has to make snide remarks every time there is a gay on a television show. I just ignore them, but I'm not sure for how much longer I can control my anger. Thanks again!

You have to do what is right for you and by doing that, I think it would ultimately be the right thing for her too. She has to be equally miserable. The pent up emotions you both have can be dangerous...not just in the physical sense. Look at what has already happened between you. You have to be #1 in your life before you can have a #2 to be with. Sounds odd, but I really believe that. All my best, April

Wow buddy, it sounds like you are faced with some really difficult life decisions. Gay or straight, when you have invested a number of years with someone it is really difficult to move in a different direction. Sounds like you might benefit from some professional counseling to help you sort out your feelings. The only thing I can say is - be fair to your self and then be fair to those around you. Doug

Thanks Doug. I agree, not sure how everyone gets through this process. I know many have and survived, so I guess I will too. Hope you are doing well since your surgery.

Something you said really struck me, and I wanted to respond... "Is sex worth throwing away the life I've built?" Is this really about sex?? IMHO, being gay really has absolutely nothing to do with sex (well, you know what I mean!), and everything to do with living your life honestly, being proud of who you are. Maybe it would be easier to make the choice if you changed the wording of the question. Is sex worth throwing away the life you built? Absolutely not. Is being able to live your life honestly, as you truly are, worth it? Maybe it is. I can't imagine having to choose between a life I've built with someone, and begin able to be honest about myself and my sexuality, and you have all my empathy and support. No matter what choice you make, there are many who will be there to help you through it, if you just reach out and ask... take care, xmasmama

Thanks for your response. You have really made me stop and think and you are absolutely right. I am not thinking straight (no pun intended) and you made me realize it. It's more about living an honest life. Thanks for making me see that.

I am a therapist and I tell patients looking at divorce, pretty much whatever the situation, is to feel deep in you gut and there seems to be a deep knowing of either "yes" or " no" which isn't tied to sex or money or whatever seems to be the issue. It is like xmasmama says about being honest and true to yourself and living with your own personal integrity. Many of us have been down this road and it's tough, but inside you know what's best for your life. Get a therapist in your area and have someone to talk this over with. The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (glma.org) has a list of glbt providers, so even if there is no counselor in your area, maybe one of the glbt docs could give you a referral. Take care of yourself in this journey. Connie

Connie, Thanks for the information. I really appreciate all the friendship and support I have here.