ladies, please help
so before i had lap rny i had really bad pcos. when i actually *had* my period it was horribly heavy and clotty and extremely painful. then after the rny it became more regular (well... "consistent" would probably be a much better way to describe it.) it's still horribly painful and clotty and the pain and clots have actually gotten progressively WORSE since wls. (to the point where i was heading to med-plus every month for a 4 ounce bottle of liquid codeine or liquid lortab!)
i finally worked up the nerve last month to schedule an appt. with my ob-gyn and saw him last week. he gave me a sample of the nuvaring to test out and a prescription for it if i like it and told me to put it in at the end of my period and leave it in until the first of the month the following month. (4-5 weeks or whatever) and then to immediately replace it with another one. (he specifically said to immediately replace it and not have a period because of my problems. said it was okay to do this because of the type of hormones it uses. idk... whatever...) he also did a vaginal ultrasound to check on my ovarian cyst which has mysteriously disappeared (ruptured maybe?) but they did find quite a few irregularities in my uterus. he isn't sure what they are but thinks they may be fibroids or something and said not to worry about it unless anything else changes or happens.
anywho, the period problems aren't really what this post is about. i just wanted to give y'all some background info so we'd all be on the same page.
what this post is about is the fact that my gf has issues with me using the nuvaring and so i need to vent somewhere. i suppose i could've posted a blog or something but nobody ever goes to my page and i really kinda want some input on this. (**sigh** i guess we really need to go talk to someone as a couple. it appears we have "issues" that i wasn't even aware of...)
she knows how horrible my periods have been since we've been together (i've had to use depends on several occasions because the flow was so heavy!) and it was at her insistence that i actually followed through and went to see my gyno. he said that the nuvaring or an iud would most likely "fix" the situation and suggested i try the nuvaring first so i wouldn't have to deal with ANOTHER surgery. (i've had 5 since my rny!)
then when i told her what he said and showed her the package she got this disgusted look on her face and said "it's birth control". umm... yeah... so? then last night i asked her to help me insert it because i really wasn't sure what i was doing. we looked up diagrams on the internet and read up on it and then went to actually "do" it. she kinda had this look on her face again like she was annoyed or whatever so i asked her what was wrong and she said that she really didn't appreciate having to supply her girlfriend with birth control. i made a joke about it and said that it didn't matter because i was with her, lol, and we weren't "trying" for a child right now anyway, hah!
she helped me insert it and we talked about a bunch of stuff and then we were going to bed and it was really REALLY late. we were both extremely exhausted (our schedules have been absolute HELL all this month for a variety of reasons) and i thought we were just going to immediately go to sleep. well, she rolls on top of me and starts making out with me and i keep turning my head away and trying to push her away, telling her how tired i am, and she finally got pissed off and got off of me and said "wtf?? i wasn't trying to "DO" you or anything! (although, make-out sessions like that ALWAYS either end in her doing me or being pissed off at me for not being in the mood.) besides, i don't want to do that with you as long as you're using that thing anyway!"
then she continued on and started making jokes about what if it slipped or something or if it came completely out, blah, blah, blah. well, as you can imagine my feelings were extremely hurt. i mean wth?? i'm trying to do something to help myself and she's flipping her **** because it's birth control?? and telling me that she doesn't want to be intimate with me while i'm using it?? so i rolled over and started crying. it turned into this huge ordeal and i ended up going into the bathroom and crying for about 15 minutes and then finally just going and sleeping in the bed with my daughter.
today she's apologized up one side and down the other and told me how stupid it was for her to have said that, etc, etc.
idk what i'm really writing this for. idk what i want for y'all to say or what kind of advice i'm looking for or if i'm even LOOKING for advice. idk... i'm just so confused and hurt right now and idk what to do...
It's obviously an issue she needs to work out. I'm on birth control to regulate my period because I also have PCOS, but I have no intention of having sex with a guy, much less to procreate. It's also clear that that is not the issue she has with it -- she just doesn't like the idea of you being on something CALLED "birth control." She needs to figure out why she's so upset about this and hopefully get over it soon because without it, you'd be suffering.
no no, you're right. and she's going to talk to somebody (a shrink) this sunday and hopefully get back on some meds. she's been off for a long time and she really needs SOMETHING. (in addition to this drama we've got a lot of other insecurities that we're trying to deal with. i mean heck, i go to the bathroom and come back and she tells me she missed me! i go to the fridge to get a drink and come back and she tells me she missed me!! i wake up in the morning and she tells me she missed me!!! wtf??!? she's been laying right beside me all night!!)
Well, I am an OB/GYN nurse practitioner (I work for Planned Parenthood) and I have been in a relationship with a bipolar woman for over 14 years now, so I may have a few insights--giggle.
First of all let me say that your own provider is making great suggestions for you--the NuvaRing is great for women with PCOS, it will control your periods, prevent more cysts from forming on your ovaries, and help with the male-pattern hair growth and acne as well. It is easier on your system than the Pill and has a lower risk of blood clots. The Mirena IUD would help to decrease the bleeding overall, although you could have some irregular bleeding for the first year or so, and it wouldn't do the other things the Ring does for PCOS.
I think your partner was trying to get it on with you that night because she wanted the reassurance that intimacy can provide. It made her insecure that you were using a medication that is marketed as birth control. So, yeah, she has issues.
Getting her back on medications or getting her medications adjusted could prove helpful. In the meantime, try and reassure her as much as possible that you are there and not going anywhere, but at the same time, set limits that you need to protect yourself. Are you familar with the term "enmeshment"? That is basically where you get so sucked into to someone else's life drama that you have no time or energy left to live your own life. Don't let that happen to you. If she won't follow through with taking her meds and going to the counselor and trying to work through these issues, you may have to cut your losses at some point. Bottom line is, you need to take care of your own health no matter how she feels about it.
It is a frequent topic of discussion on the DS board, that realtionships almost always change after weight loss surgery (and massive weight loss) by one of a couple. It seems like good relationships get better and bad relationships fall apart under the strain.
PS--you can use a Tampax tampon applicator to insert the NuvaRing--just remove the tampon and squeeze the ring, insert it into the applicator, then use the applicator to insert the Ring.
I have a ring as well - same shape and size as a nuvaring - for relief of post-menopausal effects. My wife helps me insert and remove it every 3 months (sometimes it leads to getting some booty, sometimes just a feeling of closeness).
We call sex that involves penetration of me "playing ring toss" - heheheheh! Among myself and my straight friends who use a ring - only 1 has ever had a situation where it came out on accident. She since has switched to an IUD and is very happy with it. I forget that it is even there, except for the fact that I'm healthier. She doesn't always even find it - but it can provide interesting sensations when my wife gets creative with it . . .I'll leave this to your imagination *blush*
When someone doesn't understand something, they tend to have judgements about them that don't necessarily make sense. Your wife needs a bit of education, and to find some tender understanding about your situation. It is medicinal - and nothing to pick a fight over.
You don't need to feel bad about taking this medicine. You wouldn't feel bad about wearing a cast if your leg was broken right? She's right - it was stupid for her to have said it, and I'm very glad she apologized. When I get sexually frustrated, I get cranky too - but I don't like it when my baby cries. And I absolutely hate it when I know that I'm the reason she's crying.
Anyway, this seems like a small skirmish - is there a war? My wife and I have our stuff, but work hard to keep the lines of communication flowing. We've gone to couple's counseling to keep our communication positive and healthy. We're all works in progress, but with love and forgiveness we get by - day by day.
I wish you well, and much peace.
In support,
~Lara
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