OT: how to "come out"????

ok so this has NOTHING to do with weight loss or with surgery (obviously!!) but i really need some sound advice here please. a little background info first: i just turned 30 and i have a daughter who will be 8 on 9-25. when she was conceived i was "straight". hadn't ever been with a woman before and wasn't really sure that i even wanted to venture down that path although i was extremely curious and had many MANY female crushes. (drew barrymore!!!! drools!!!) anywho, my daughter's father and i never married (the ******* was already married with another kid the whole feckin' time and i didn't even know! and we LIVED together too!!) and i spent the first several years of her life alone. didn't date or anything. when she was about 2 i had my first "experience" and it was a 3-some with a guy i'd had a one-nighter with a long time before and his new bride. she and i fast became very close friends and eventually we were experimenting WITHOUT her hubby. he found out, things got ugly and we were forbidden to have any contact with each other ever again. (we started talking again about a year ago and supposedly "all is forgiven". whatever...) so i had my lap rny on 11-27-06 and about 3 months later i got an email on myspace from this girl. my profile (at the time) said "bi" and so she wanted to talk to me, get to know me, see if we were compatible, etc. we met and things went very well and then she moved in with me and my daughter. my daughter thinks she's our "roommate" and we sleep in the same bed because our apartment is so small and there isn't a bedroom for her and that she's just there because we're friends and we need help with money. katie, my gf, keeps insisting that i tell my daughter that i'm gay and that katie's my gf but i don't know how or when to do this. actually, i was kind of hoping that after katie lived with us for awhile it would sort of all fall into place. i don't want to traumatize my daughter (she's very "sensitive") so i want to handle this in the best possible way but i'm totally clueless as to how to go about this. any suggestions? how did those of you that already had kids come out to YOUR kids and how old were they when you did it? PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Hi...I do not have kids but I work with them (child psych nurse). In my expirience kids do better when told the truth..then with holding it....She is 8 and with in a year Or 2 at the most OTHER KIDS will start asking questions......I think she will do better if you both talk to her about it.....I know there are many books written on the subject...I will ask around at work......In the situation you are in "HIDING" the truth will just lead to more and more Hiding.........so That is my take....I have seen dozens of families in your situation....It appears the eariler a child learns about the facts about you and you girlfriend's relationship the longer she will have to adjust and ask questions....it will help her with her transition through puberty...... Sean

Three things: 1.) Take thee to a LIBRARY ... there are soooo many resources out there to help you with this. Both books to read with your daughter and books for you to read - and for your GF to read, for that matter. 2.) I'm in utter agreement with not lying to your kids - even if it's lying by omission. She doesn't have to know what goes on behind that bedroom door between you ladies, but she needs to know why you're in there together ... finding out down the road may leave here feeling angry at you for lying, angry at herself for not figuring it out sooner, and leave her wondering what ELSE you haven't been up front with her about (imagine when a kid finds out about the Santa farce after being told by all her friends that he's not real, but receiving repeated assurances from you that he is, only to have the real truth come to light down the road - now, multiply that feeling of betrayal by about a thousand, get it?). 3.) I get why she might feel the way she does, but you saying the your GF "insists" that you come clean = not sitting well with me. Unless you over-stated this a bit, I think she needs to realize that this is a huge issue for you and that, although you may love and respect her and value her feelings and opinions, YOU have to be comfortable with telling your daughter the truth and being bullied into it is not going to necessarily have the best effect on the relationship. now - go back up there to number 1 and read it again ... then go get those books! Yeah, dammit, I AM a Librarian! GOOD LUCK

nope, no overstatement there, lol! it's difficult for me because i haven't come out to anybody except my coworkers and a few friends (and any stranger really, lols! i don't care about that.) i wouldn't really say she's "bullying" me into telling her. more like just being really really insistent. she says that it's hard for her to be in this relationship and for kensie to not know. idk... maybe if i were in her shoes it would make more sense to me... lols, and since you're a librarian... any suggestions on specific books? for my daughter AND for me and my gf?

thank you so much for your response sean! as a child psych nurse, would you happen to know what kind of info i need to give to her? i mean, i don't want to tell her any more than what she "needs" to know but i have no clue about what would be considered "enough" information. i still haven't really been able to tell her how babies are made, lol!! we had a convo about that subject a month ago and it was kinda weird because i didn't know what to call things in order to make it more suitable for her age, lol. any thoughts on that?

Obviously, your gf does not have any kids! That makes it hard for her to understand. My kids were grown and on their own when I was in my first relationship with a woman. My daughter took it fine. My son (who is gay) was upset at first. It's a complicated psychological thing, but he is fine now. I really don't know how I would have told my kids if they had been young. I think the other responses you have gotten are very good, so I can't add to them. Just giving my support as another mom (and grandma) My grandson (now 17) grew up knowing that his uncle is gay and he worships him. We never actually told him about me and my partner, but he understands and accepts it without question. Good luck!

yes, obviously!! (LOL!!!) and add to that the fact that she's 21 and i'm 30 and you've got a whole 'nother ball of wax right there

Hey sweetie. I don't have kids, so I don't have any advice for you. What the guys said makes sense. Food for thought: I know in our family there were two scenarios. My sister told our nephew and they dealt with it as a family and answered any questions he had. Chris's sister didn't tell our nephew, but I'm sure he's figured it out by now...he's 14 and pretty street smart. But my problem is...who did he talk to ....who helped his deal with his questions. Just something to think about. Rachelle

ya, i know, and that's what scares me. i want to go ahead and tell her asap but then again, i don't want to give her too much info and have her spreading it all around her new school that her mommy's gay. (i can just IMAGINE the hassles she'd go through THEN! and on top of being a new student...)

Your g/f should be patient and understanding for as long as it takes (within reason) for you to feel comfortable enough to tell your daughter. No one should make you feel rushed into such an important decision! If the relationship is to last, she needs to understand you aren't ashamed of her, but you do need to tell your daughter in your own time & way. My daughter is grown and married yet we are tighter than I ever thought we'd be. She's even attened the "all inclusive" church I attend. It's awesome!