I feel Lost..need a listening ear

Hey everyone, A little about me: I had weight loss surgery about a year ago, I went from being over 400 lbs down to just above 200, I'm still losing and should end somewhere between 180-195 (hopefully by june)...and I'm 6'1''. I work out regularly, have built some mucle mass, but am dealing with skin issues. I'm also married in the process of getting separated. Anyway..... I feel lost. I know that in my next relationship, I'd prefer to be with a man, I'm not discounting women...but it's just my preference. I don't feel like I fit into the gay definition of "beauty". Granted, women find me attractive, but in NY the standards for gay men are defined by Chelsea boys...which basically means that your a model, you have a body to die for, and that you dress in cloths worth more money then most people make in a week. I'm never going to be that, even when I get to goal, I'll have lose skin, even after plastics (another year of procedures)...I'll still have scars and won't ever look like a model. I just feel like, what now? Granted, I'm going through post relationship stress disorder, if there is such a thing, but am I doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life? How do you meet someone, with the ugly secret of lose skin? At least when I was huge, I knew ok I know where to find guys. There are men who like big guys....but how do you meet normal looking, average guys that have flaws? I'm defintely not a bar scene type person. I don't think anyone has a magic answer or a magic wand, I'm just wondering, now what? Does anyone else feel this way? I don't know i guess thats just what i'm feeling today. Thanks for listening.

Hello Flint, Sorry to hear about your impending divorce and the loneliness you are feeling at this time. Unfortunately, the definition of beauty within out community is how one looks on the outside and not how they are on the inside. Yes, candy eye is good -- however, if nothing else is there it only lasts for a moment. I've seen the type of men and women that you are referring too -- and they're probably wearing "knock-offs". How much of them is REALLY REAL!. We may have scars and loose skin; however, those of us on these message boards have something that many others don't have and don't realize they don't have it and it's called --- SELF-ESTEEM. My suggestion -- for right now deal with the divorce, the weight loss and the plastic surgery. This time is YOURS -- time for YOUR healing --physically and emotionally -- please take that time. You DESERVE IT! Peace,

Flint, Check out this site -- AWESOME testimony. http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/profile.php?N=F1119848373

Hey, I wanted to post...hope i can add a lil insight..first off i was married 13.5 years...always knew i was more attracted to men..my wife also knew this..so after years of marriage we both decided we were getting older and needed to find what we wanted in life..we are now best frieds..shes remarried and i have a male partner..and were all friends.. i was in a relationship with a man..had been for 3 years when i had surgery..we split soon after surgery..so i went through most of the roller coaster alone..i have went from 459 to 232..dated a few guys..hooked up with a few and must say some were model types..and theyt had no problem with the skin issues..and yes i have the issues..i met a wonderful man in September..before we ever got naked i told him my body was a mess...he said he was more interested in my heart than my body...it was amazing and we have been together since September..hes 5'10"and weighs 180 lbs...he thinks hes fat..i have a plastics consult this month...he says he knows i need it for me..but as far as hes concerned..im very sexy..so...don't let the skin be a issue for you...i see it this way...if someone sees you naked they either want you bad...or love you..hope this makes since..im not good at putting my thoughts into words..anyway if you ever wanna chat...feel free to email me.. Huggs Randy

Thank you for your replies. Randy, thank you for letting me know that "love" is possible. It's nice to find someone that can relate to this issue. I'm scared of letting go of my marriage, i mean i love my wife, but it's not love love if you know what i mean, and I'm tired of the guilt, and the pain involved with not fulfilling her needs, and the bitterness and anger in me for her not fulfilling mine. Ok not to be immodest...but I know I'm good looking, but I'm definitely not a model. I guess it's just hard to enter a community that puts so much value on looks first....granted, not everyone is like that..but some are. Can I ask you where did you meet men? I'm not looking for one night stands or hook ups. I just don't want that empty kind of experience right now, I'm not a bar type...and haven't been to a club in about 13 years. Is there a good online dating service, or something?

Flint, Email me at my addy. [email protected].. Randy

Hey Flint - Can't really relate to the marriage/divorce issues - have been out here since my early 20s, but, I do understand about the changes, not feeling sure about where I fit any more, etc. After years of being a "chubby" "big man" "big bear" etc. and having found a place in that world, things are starting to shift. But, I do think more of that is me needing to adjust how I feel and see myself and I also think I'll always feel more comfortable in the bear community as I do see some resistance, at least among a percentage of men in that community, toward the 'commercially constructed' concepts of men (the chelsea boys image) that are embraced in the larger community. I, too, am not a bar person as I've been in recovery for many, many years and still believe, as the old saying goes - 'if you stick around the barber shop long enough, sooner or later you're gonna get a haircut'. But there are a lot of options - for social connections outside the bar/club world (at least here in SF). The challenge with that, and dating, for me right now is that I feel it's too freakin risky to entertain dating anyone as I'm still in this ongoing state of flux. So, all that to say, I think I understand some of what you're feeling and am dealing with my own processes around the changes too. Hope to see you around the board and posting more often! Steve