Lost in Reflection

I haven't posted in a LONG time. I haven't even been on the site in weeks and weeks. I'm not even sure I should be posting here now, but I think if anyone can understand "where" I am...it'll be you great folks. I am really struggling. I had hoped to reach my goal weight by this Friday. That's not going to happen...not even close. I still have so far to go! My father died on June 17th of this year, and I still can't seem to focus on anything...work, weight loss, anything. I've continued my training throughout the entire year (except during Papa's last weeks). I work out with a trainer for an hour/day 3 days/week. I've gotten incredibly strong, but the weight just doesn't want to come off. I know I shouldn't be so disappointed. I've lost over 125 pounds for heaven's sake! One of my best friends calls me "skinny-minny" now, and it just hits me wrong. I know she means it to be flattering and encouraging, but all I hear in my head is "I'm not skinny. I'll never be skinny". I'm turning 40 on Friday. I'm still fat. I'm still single. I'm still lonely. And I've lost the most important person in my life. Help?

Hi Catherine, I just read your profile and am thankful that I did. We are almost exactly the same weight(your pre-op weight my present weight). I am preop and working on my 6 month supervised diet for insurance approval. Reading your journal was, and will continue to be, a tremendous help in the days to come.While you are going through such a bad time right now I know it must be hard. I wont profess to know how you feel but I can only imagine that losing yor father must have been very very hard. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You have come so far. You should be very proud of all you have accomplished and will continue to accomplish. As for always seeing yourself as fat I have had many people tell me this is stomach surgery not brain surgery and it is very hard to change your body image and your internal dialogue is even harder to change. I hope this helped. You are amazing and you inspired me through your journal as I am sure you have others. Lorie

Thank you SO much for your kind words. I'm flattered that you found my profile/journey inspiring. I remember while I was researching and then waiting for surgery that I spent hours reading through profiles on this site. Good luck! Catherine

Catherine, I do know exactly from where it is you're coming from. I love both of my parents in 2003. It devistated me. Daddy passed in May (The date of my first seminar to begin this process) and then my Momma - who was my lifeline - passed in September. It was then that I realized how precious life is and while I must remain here on earth that I MUST do all I can to obtain and maintain good health. My mom's best friend saw pictures of me for the first time since surgery and about fell out of her chair at how much weight I've lost - but not only that how much I look like my momma. THAT compliment alone made my heart jump - I adored my mother. She was my best friend. To me - that was HONESTLY the BEST compliment any one could have ever given me. My mom was a beautiful woman......inside and out! The greif you're going through is completely normal. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things over time will get back to "normal" and you'll find your self being happy you were able to spend as much time with your father as you have. It's taken quite a while for my "normalcy" to return as it's been 2 years and almost 3 months since my mom's passing.....but in time that will seem like a moment. If you need someone just to ramble to or a shoulder to lean on - but all menas I have two very strong and supportive shoulders......let me know! Much Dee Dee

Thanks, Dee Dee! I appreciate your kind words more than you know. Papa was my best friend and my role model. It's like I am a compass, and he was North. I'm just not sure "who" I am without him. I know we live far apart, but maybe we could get together some weekend for a workout together? Catherine

Hi,Catherine First of I wanted to tell you that your post and your profile touched me.Really did. Secondly I must admit that I can't relate to the causes of your feeling sad and/or disappointed because I'm blessed with my parents still alive and well, and I have great hubby and kids.But I can certainly relate to the way you feel now.I do too sometimes. And probably most people do. The good news is like Dee Dee pointed that time heals often, and I'm sure that you will work through the grief of your dad and your emotianal well being will come back to normal. Also... have you heard? 40 is good... they say 40 is a new 20 now.....Being single is not always such a bad thing either.. (ask me on one of those evenings when it gets nuts in my house with cooking , cleaning, homework and activities for kids, when I so much wish I were single). And if you lost 125 lb, I'm confident that you are very strong and you will get back in the groove of weight loss if you choose to do so. I wish you all the best and strongly believe things will get better for you. Hugs, Rita.

Thanks, Rita! I just knew you guys could understand and help me through this difficult time.