Getting Married in 2006!!!

Well Georgia WLS Boarders....Rick finally popped the question (THE BIG QUESTION) back in February and I couldn't be happier...and sadder at the same time (is sadder a word?) He wanted to ask me before I had surgery so that I didn't think that he was only asking because I am losing weight, but money just didn't permit it! Here's my delima... In an effort to try and involve my mother in every aspect of my wedding she has been showing me what a terrible decision that truly is. She is constantly pointing out my outward flaws (skin problems, some flabby skin, ect...) and she has no problems in doing this in public. Here is another problem...my mother is a drug addict. I am so fearful that she is going to show up to my wedding, or another wedding related function intoxicated. I know she will do this because she has done it at may other family functions (funerals, family reunions, Thanksgiving and Christmas). Is it wrong of me to consider asking her not to have anything to do with my wedding? Please keep in mind that I am not being heartless but that I am heartbroken to have been put into this situation. HELP! Nicole

Awwwww..... Nicole..... How horrible it must be to have such a happy occasion shadowed by this. I know she is your mother, and I know you want to include her in your wedding plans, but remember this is 'YOUR DAY', not hers... While I know it may be a heart wrenching decision, you have to make it, and do what is right for your wedding. You seem to know how she can be, is it worth having her there, but ruining things???? Something I learned while working at an alcohol/drug rehad center was that so many well-being people end up being enablers and trying to keep the peace. Usually that back fires, and that person is the one who gets hurt, not the addict. I think if it were me, and it were my mother, I would sit her down and tell her your concerns, and how embarrassed you are that she says the things she does about you... especially in public. Tell her that it is not welcomed or appreciated. Give her the opportunity to show you that she can change, and make it clear that if she doesn't straighten up, that she will not be welcome at your wedding. Make your special day just that.... SPECIAL.... Geeezzz, I just re-read that and I sound like Dear Abby.... Hope I haven't over-stepped my bounds, but having tough love sometimes is rough. I have had to do it with my kids... Good Luck to you!!! And congrats!!! Susan Lap RNY 12-1-04 285-210-155 (-75)

Thanks so much Susan...that is really awesome advice and I really appriciate it!

Hi, Nicole. I have been trying to reply to your post all day. Your story has really touched me. I have a somewhat dysfunctional family. I love them very much, but they are tough to handle sometimes. When my husband and I were planning our wedding in 1999, it kept getting bigger and bigger (it was turning into my mother's wedding). I didn't want that. So, we ended up making arrangements to get married in Gatlinburg, TN and invited people to come if they could (including my mother). It was wonderful! They did everything for me. We had a beautiful little ceremony with about 15 people ther to share it with. I guess what I'm saying is that I agree that it is your day...yours and your fiance's. Don't be afraid to do what you feel is right...you don't want to regret it. It is hard, believe me. I know my mother wanted me to have this fairy tale wedding, but we were paying for everything, and it just wasn't possible. I had to realize it was about me and my soon to be husband...not about her. I also have a brother who is a recovering drug addict. I have to be honest, he has never embarrased me, but he has done some pretty horrible things. We didn't speak for over a year. Now, clean and sober, he is a wonderful uncle to our almost 3 year old son, and I'm so proud of him. But, it is still there that I can't trust him 100%. I know how hurtful that can be. I think I was rambing a little bit. I don't think you are being heartless in anyway. I think you owe your mother the opportunity to show you that she can and wants to change, but be prepared if she doesn't. I also want to comment on your fiance...what a sweet guy! Your wedding is such a wonderful and fun day! I hope you get this worked out and have the special day that you deserve. Let me know if you want to talk more...I am here.

I'd spend the wedding money on a cruise. Maybe invite a couple of friends to join you. Thus you don't have to exclude your mother from the wedding, but neither are you taking a chance on her ruining your special day. Drug addicts, alcoholics, etc don't really mean to ruin other peoples lives but they do it every day. Why take a chance? Besides wouldn't a neat wedding/honeymoon be nicer than worrying for months over details for a wedding? As for allowing your mother to put you down nobody can stop that but you. The next time she does it and everytime thereafter look her in the eye and say "If you can't say something uplifting I'd appreciate you keeping your comments to yourself". We have to stand up for ourselves otherwise people walk all over us. Best of luck whatever decision you make.