Two Months

The past two months have been so hard for me. My surgery was supposed to be january 10th then I found out on January 7th that BCBS was not going to pay for it, I was devastated. I shut myself down emotionally and laid around crying at the thought of the surgery and how fat I had become. I was in a deep black hole that I just could not pull myself out of. I tried to be brave and not give up, even thought I might become an advocate for the bill that is in the house. I tried to tell myself that I will fight and fight for the right to have this surgery done. I deserved it, right? I quit my job for alot of reasons so I didn't even have anything to keep my mind off of it...all the time in the world to think about how unfair life is and how I had been screwed over by the insurance company, my employer, Dr. Burrowes, and yes, even God. I was hurt and angry. I kept telling myself that I was being punished for something...that God was going to make me stay fat no matter what. Then a friend suggested that I go and apply for Medicaid and let them pay for it since I was unemployed at the time. I did that and once again had hope that MAYBE I could have the surgery. I called Dr. Burrowes office and found out that they no longer accepted Medicaid so I called around, checked out other surgeons and finally made an appointment with Dr. Hixon. Things were looking up for me. Dr. hixon was great..told me that he didn't see a problem getting me approved. Well, once again it is not to happen for me...Dr. Burrowes office staff is the WORST!! I requested my file over a month ago and they STILL have not sent it to Dr. hixon. So, anyway, I had to go back to work...yes, I found a wonderful new job that I love BUT that means that I no longer qualify for Medicaid and won't have insurance coverage for awhile and have NO idea even when I get insurance what kind it is and if I even should start the fight again. It is so hard hearing about other people who are getting approved and having surgery...not that I am not happy for them..it just freaking HURTS!!!!! I am So depressed all the time and on the verge of tears. I cry myself to sleep every night, I am ruining all of my relationships and honestly, have had some very unpleasant thoughts. I am hurting so bad...I don't understand all of this. I hate feeling like this but I don't know what to do to get myself out of this funk. I have been through so much in my life...a crappy childhood,being fat, an abusive family, an abusive marriage, a divorce, my kids being kidnapped, raising my kids alone...I have survived it all, but why can't I deal with THIS???? All of my hopes and dreams are gone and I feel like I am walking around in a black cloud all of the time. I know that this is not really what this forum is for but I need to get all of this out and I didn't know where else to turn. I miss the people on here..I used to check this board every morning and every night...I wanted so badly to build some close friendships here...the one thing I miss from Athens. It's hard to make friends when you are an adult and all you do is go to work and come home. You all have been so sweet to me and I appreciate that more than you will ever know. Please keep me in your prayers that one day I will be able to pull myself out of this depression and begin to live life again. Please pray that this bill will pass so that noone else has to ever feel the way I feel... we need a miracle now and there is only one person that I know of that can make that happen. I love you guys. Shree

Shree, This board is for "whatever" you need it for !! We all have felt like you at one time or another. For over a year I was like I was on a roller coaster with my doctors and my insurance co. but I finally did get the surgery. I will pray that you will get your surgery and I know everybody else will lift you up , too. God bless you, Judy

((((((((Shree)))))))): Sounds like you have gone through it. I have been through some hard times in my life also and looking back I dont know how I got through it, but at the time I just had to do it. I wasnt happy about it and at times I was miserable, but one of the things that helped me was going to see a counselor. Since you have a new job, maybe they have an employee assistance program or your new insurance may cover counseling. I think it helps when you can talk to a professional and they are totally removed from the issues you are dealing with. They bring fresh perspective and can help you build up yourself emotionally to get you strong enough to do the things you need to do. Or at least that is how it worked for me. All I can say is to keep your faith. The best things in life sometimes require a lot of hard work and waiting. At the time it doesnt seem fair and its hurts, but there is a reason even if we dont understand it. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck to you Kelly S

Shree, I am so sorry to hear all of this. It is so sad. I was just thinking about you the other day well in fact I was talking to my husband about you and all that you had been through trying to get this surgery. I was saying that I thought it was all worked out now with medicaid. Again, I am soooo..... sorry, and disappointed for you. Please try to pull yourself out of the dumps.....get some medication if necessary.....whatever it takes to get back that fighting spirit, and you are a fighter...you are just down right now. I'm praying that your new job will provide you insurance that covers wls and that it kicks in, in six months. Everything will be better than what you were expecting from the beginning. God has not forsaken you, there has just been a change in the plans. Whatever you do don't give up. Joyce

Hey Girl, I just sent you an email. Please remember you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a strong willed woman and you will get through this. I won't say everything here that I did in the email, no ones business but ours. Please get back to me soon. Take care!! HUGGGSSSS! Tonya Waters