Confession of a Post- op (LONG)
As most of you know, I had my surgery just over 2 years ago. My pre-op weight was 268, and I have been at 135 for several months. What I am about to tell everyone, is extremely hard for me mostly because I have had to do some serious soul searching over the past several days. If there is anyone out there that can learn anything from my mistakes, maybe then something good will come of this.
Like most of you, I have serious food issues. Food is my drug of choice, and has been most of my life. The first year after my surgery, I was on such a high because of all the changes that I was going through. The weight loss was dramatic and I was able to do so much more with my family, people who knew me, were constantly telling me how great I looked and how excited they were for me.
I can't really tell you when the urges started to come back, maybe they were always there, I just didn't recognize them. Coming to terms with my addiction to food has never been my problem. Conquering my addiction, is another story. I am so afraid that I will start to gain weight that I weigh myself several times a day. Does that stop me from having those days when I can't seem to stop putting things in my mouth? I wish.
About 2 weeks ago, I got it into my head that I NEEDED to lose 7-10 lbs, I felt that I was still to heavy, and maybe this would help my clothes fit better. I was watching TV and saw a commercial for a diet pill called Trimspa. This was my answer, even though diet pills never worked for me before, I thought since I really didn't have that much weight to lose, it would be easy. I went to GNC, and spoke with the lady who worked there, I never told her that I had gastric bypass, She suggested that I take 2 in the am, 2 at luch and 1 in the pm. I figured that was too much, so I decided to just take 1, 3 x a day. I even cut the pill in half, and drank about 6 oz of water in between taking each half. I never really felt any different, the second day, I had a very large bowel movement (sorry)
but I was expecting this, due to the high fiber content of the pills. On the 3rd day, I started to expierence pain from just under my breasts to my hip bones. The pain, aching would come and go. I stopped having bowel movements, so I took some Ex- Lax to help. It sure did. I thought for sure that pain would go away but it didn't. By day 5, I realized, I really don't get hungry, it has nothing to do with the diet pills, I don't think that I have felt real hunger since before my surgery. It has all been in my head. I still kept taking the pills, about day 7-8, I started to get really scared of the pain, so I decided to do some internet research. I concluded that I either really irratated my pouch or I gave myself an ulcer. Either way, the potential for surgery was a real possibility. I stopped the pills that day. I think that I have dodged a self inflicted bullet, as I have not had the pain for 4 days. I figure the fiber irratated my pouch and just needed to work itself out. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? How dare I put myself in jeopardy, when I have a husband and two boys counting on me. I have to get control of myself, problably with the help of a good therapist. Maybe I will never know why I eat the way I do, but I must find a way to stop. I am telling everyone this, to come out of the closet per say, and to maybe have this be the start of my own recovery. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Cathy Martin
Cathy
Don't be so hard on your self, remember weight gain took a long time and when you were given the tool to lose, you did and believe me this is not a easy journey to be on. I had my surgery Oct 14, 04. Have been overweight for over 20 years, and I catch myself going to the fridge to get something to eat even though I'm not hungry, its all in the head, not the stomach. I have not felt hungry since I had the surgery, call your doctor and get a list of all medications you cannot take after you have the surgery. Remember you worked really hard at getting to the size you are and you will keep it off. Try being positive, do not buy foods that are bad for you, if they are not in the house, you're not tempted to eat it. Hang in there. If you feel you are still having problems, find a local support group in your area. A lot of the WLS members keep going to their support groups which helps them stay focus. I'm not sure what will end after I get to a stoping point in my weight loss journey, but believe me what little weight I've lost has made a hugh difference for me daily. You're in my thoughts and prayers for strength to over come this. Keep faith in yourself, you are very special and you can do this! Want to know why I say you can & I don't know you, its because you are one of us; who are on the other side, you've been there and done it. You will achieve. 
Karen
Karen 
Hi Cathy,
I am sorry you have been going through this. Please pick up the phone next time and give me a call. We are right around the corner from one another. We could just up and take the kids to the park, or go shopping or something. We could do anything to take your mind off of everything. I don't mind what time of the day or night that you call me. Just call me when you need me. That is why we are all here--to support one another.
You have my numbers so use them!!!!!!! I have you in my prayers.
Carol
Cathy,
It sounds like you are facing a serious crossroads in your life...and I feel you. I'm facing surgery tomorrow but I think I'm ready. These emotions you are feeling is one of my private fears...that I will allow the addiction to come back and affect my life after all the hard work.
I went through extensive physical work-ups prior to the surgery (EKG, colonscopy, pulmonary function test, chest x-rays, mammogram, annual female exam, blood work, sleep study) so, physicially, I'm ready for the surgery. However, to the last, I fought recommendations that I begin counseling. I alway thought I had the ultimate control over my eating...but you know what...I didn't. And the sticker was: I had no idea where the urges were coming from and what triggers them.
Group counseling is wonderful but it was individual counseling that opened my eyes and mind to WHY I reach for food when I'm hurting or scared...AND...what my emotional triggers that started that emotional spiral downward.
Now...I don't want to lead you to believe that it was all roses after I started counseling. I would hit delays and potholes with my pre-op preps and it would get me to reaching for the Cokes and Chips (my weaknesses). But, with counseling, it helped me to identify that I was in an emotional crisis AND those downward spirals were shorter and shorter.
I've been in individual counseling since April, going 2x month (sometimes more)...and I am a stronger person for it. I can now stop myself when I want a Coke and say "what am I feeling?". Sometimes, I want the coke physicially but sometimes I want it for the feelings that used to be associated with it. And you know what...when I reach for it for those old feelings...they aren't there anymore.
Find you an individual counseler, preferably one who is experienced in addictions. Go a couple of times...if you don't like it...find someone else. It is ALL worth it!!
Keep going to group also. This is your peer support but they won't know you as indepth as your individual counselor.
Good Luck
Thank you so much, I will say a prayer for you for your surgery tommorrow. I wish that 2 years ago I had dealt with my issues, and I think that the fact that you are now, is just going to make your success that much greater. I think that at this point, professional help is where I need to be. I have read the self help books, and I have Dr. Phil'ed myself to death looking for my "pay-off", to no avail. Please let me know how your surgery goes!
Good Luck,
Cathy
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