~~ Perfection gets you one thing-----

Crucified!!! Wow, that is something I have wanted to say for a long time. Maybe its not politically correct if I say that, but it is just how I feel. I realize that I have became one of those post ops that thinks I have to be perfect. It comes from a long long battle with feeling like I am NOT good enough. It is hard for alot of you to understand, I realize this. But if you could just take a telescope and look into my life for a minute you would see. My mom is 5 foot 6 and weighs about 110-117 pounds, she is beautiful and slim and well in my dads eyes she is perfect. For many years I have had this stigma placed upon me that I should weigh 110 pounds, and well I dont. As a matter of fact I dont weigh 120 pounds its something that I say because if I am 120 instead of the 130 that I really am, maybe my dad will be a little bit proud of me. I cant undersand why he cant be proud of the fact I lost 230 pounds instead of thinking that I never got to goal because I dont weigh 110. This hurts like hell. And I find myself worried constantly that I am going to get fat again. I fall asleep and sometimes dream that I have gained weight. I feel like I wont be accepted or loved if I do. I know that is warped but its truely how I feel. I guess what I am trying to say to everyone is that my life isnt perfect either. Sometimes I appear to be all happy and smiles because that is how I have always hid the pain. When in reality sometimes I sit and I wonder if I could get back up if I were to fall down. Sometimes I feel as though the landslide will bring me down. I miss my kids alot, and my gramma too. My gramma and grandpa always believed in me and loved me unconditionally. Even though I did get drunk at the High school homecoming and couldnt remember the words to the cheers at the ball game, and everybody thought I was hilarious, they still loved me. Even when I gained up to 354 pounds they still loved me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to see her again before she dies, and that makes me sad. Although the suggestions of going to a nursing home and visiting is appreciated, its not the same. I just need to hug my granny and tell her that I love her and I cant. I have always loved with everything in me, but I dont think I always got loved back..and the way I delt with that was to overeat. Food was and still is my friend. Now fact of the matter is... I am smart enough to know that I have succeeded at this WLS thing, and I know what to do...but it doesnt make the choices easy and I dont always make the right choice either. But I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and go right back at it...because I am worth it. -------------------- IPB Image

i dont know what to say... but wanted to say hi and hope your well

((((((((((((((((Teresa)))))))))))))))) I can identify with much of what you are saying. Losing so much weight had situations and feelings attached to it that I didn't expect. It's a very complicated thing. WLS is so much MORE than losing weight, it alters and affects our lives in many ways. I saw your post on the other board that you kind of hung out at home today. I did too, didn't even walk this morning. I get blue too, and I hate it, but like you, I try to pick myself up, dust the rear off and get back to business. You are SO worth it, and so am I. I really hope you can plan a trip home to see your granny. I wish there was something I could do to help. Well, I had one of my samples this morning, the chocolate coconut. Yum that was good! I actually DIDN'T have an AchievOne today - miracle!!! LOL. I hope you have a good evening, and a terrific day tomorrow. Take care of yourself!! Jeanne in Miami

I know what you mean....I hate the feelings I have when my Dad compliments me now. My Dad's pet name for me since I was about 10 years old has been "fats" I feel like he loves me more now that I'm not so big. It's not supposed to be like that with your parents. My Mom died 10 years ago, and I still have so much to say to her. I always felt loved no matter how big I got with Momma. My husband is the only one I have'n seen a change in. I still feel the same when he says he loves me....loved

Dolly - you are - we are WOMEN OF WORTH (WOW)!! (and men)...we should be loved no matter what weight we are...but there are alot of shallow people out there that measure others by the size of their body, or their looks and it sads...and when you have a parent that does that - it damages our self esteem. I can relate to the dad issue as one of my painful memories was me asking my dad if I'd ever do anything to make him proud.....and he said..no..... That stayed with me for a long time but I did do things that made ME proud of me. It wasn't until I had surgery and lost 130 lbs that now he proudly hugs me and calls me his beautiful daughter. I take the compliment but it was sad that he couldn't look beyond my obesity to appreciate who I have always been. With that being said...Dolly we have to look forward and not backwards to those who have made hurtful comments. BE PROUD!!! I KNOW I AM!!! HUGS

Teresa- While we have not met in person, I want you to know that I think you are awesome! None of us is perfect--people who think they are--are usually the furthest thing from it. You HAVE picked yourself up after falling down. You are definitely worth it. It is wonderful that you were able to experience that unconditional love from your grandparents--some people never get that. I can imagine the pain you must be feeling. It probably aches--actually physically aches. Getting out of the situation you were in was the right decision. Hopefully, your girls will learn from it too. If it is safe for you I hope you can plan a trip up there to spend some time with your gramma and girls. I am heading up to Orlando for a couple days with Leilani. She was very disappointed to learn that Miami is pretty far away from Orlando and she was not going to get to meet you. You are worth it! {{{{Hugs}}}}

Dear Dolly, You need a big hug my friend. I think you are great. Im in awe of you all. Espically you, Im partial to Country and Western singers.LOL Just keep truckin Dolly your in my prayers. And Cory, wow what a name for your dad to call you, but in his mind he thinks its cute. Its amazing how our parents can hurt us and not even realize it. And then we suffer for eternity. Its now time for all of us to revel in the future. Most of you have new bodies now and a new mind to go with it. This new mind now has security and self esteem. Just everyonce in a while we get a visit from our enemy, insecurity and we need someone to shoo it away. Im scaring it away for you Dolly so you can get on with being the great person you are. Good luck to you. Im only 3 weeks out and want to chew crunch so bad. Im ready to vomit from the isopure, baby food, cottage cheese and applesauce. And the dreaded baby food meat. Plus I developed ulcers from the vitamins and now have to take iron in my G tube and liquid vitamins. Then Ill pass a mirror and see me about 20 lbs thinner. And thats when I savor the taste of all these vile things that are helping me blossom into the Purple Lilac that Ive wanted to be for so long now. We take the good with the bad and Im wishing you good. You will be fine and in my prayers. All of you are already in my hearts Hugs Carole

I just want to offer a HUGE hug! And tell you I am thinking of you. Its amazing what our mind can do to us. On top of what other folks, even family, may say to us that sticks in our minds and hold on so tight, we can't get the grip loose. HUGS