I feel so alone...

I had my gastric bypass on May 6th of last year. I'm almost a year out and I've lost over 116 pounds. I look great, I feel much better overall, except for some stomach pains from time to time and feeling sick. My problem is that my husband, who always tells me, and has always told me, how beautiful, perfect and wonderful I am, cheats on me. He just graduated from putting himself out on Adult Friend Finder (he's done that since day 1) to actually sleeping with a woman this week. I'm so hurt and confused that I feel so lost and alone. He's been in therapy for sexual addiction for the 9 months, and on and off since we got married and I found out what he was doing...but he had stopped going because of his job. He's away all week instead of a few days a week now. He's always been dear to me and treated me like a queen always and to this day, no matter my size, but now, I'm tiny. I look much smaller than my weight and I'm not hard on the eyes, although I'm no model. I sag a little bit, but the biggest change has been in my breasts and as I looked at his laptop tonight (which I took away from him when I found out...the computer has always been his downfall), it's full of pictures of large women, and the ones he always goes for are incredibly ugly and ugly and sleezy in spirit. We've always had a great sex life, but something has always sent him searching, although he swears he loves me more than I could ever love him. He's going back into therapy and he's given up all access to his laptop, but I feel so sick inside. I feel that no matter what I do or what I did to change, I will never ever be good enough. I know it's his problem. I know that other men are interested in me, there always have been a few, but now there's many more, but I feel so ugly and old. I've always been faithful, I've always done my best to make him feel special, I forgiven so many things that I probably shouldn't have. I've been a good best friend , wife and lover. I've been the best that I knew how to be, but now, I feel so worthless, even though I know it is he who is the worthless one. Do I forgive again? We're back in counseling. I do love him dearly. There are 2 sides to him. One is so giving, always putting me first and making a huge fuss over me, always making me feel special, adored and loved. And then there's this dark side that is always in secret. The 2 go hand in hand and I do believe that he loves me but he's very sick. I feel like I'm being sucked down into this insanity with him. Even my dear friends from my church support group (their husband's are sex addicts too) aren't enough to keep my mind from wandering back into this miserable darkness I feel that I am in. The smaller I get, the worse he gets. When I was big, I used to find pictures of smaller women on his laptop, but now they're all big. I can't go back and I have no want or intention to. I just don't understand what is so wrong with me that this keeps happening and finally to this level, where he was actually compelled enough to sleep with a woman. And you know what? She was huge, much bigger than I ever was, she had a mustache for God's sake, smoked (which he hates), swore like a sailor (which he also hates), and was the epitome of the word trash in every sense of the word. She was horribly ugly...shockingly so. I'm really confused! She's been with lots of men, so many that she says she had just been tested for STD's after the one before my husband. Great! Now we both have to be tested, although my husband has almost completely stopped wanting to be with me. He swears it was because of his vasectomy he got in October; that he lost his drive, but I'm sure it's me. Is there anyone else out there living this hell? Is there anyone who has some ideas on how to break this hold he has on my heart? He's a good man other than this beast that lives in him and comes out every few months. I've prayed for years that God would take my love for him from me, but it's still there. I even started to put my profile online tonight on a dating site, but halfway through, I stopped. I just want to be loved for who I am, not how small I am, not how big I was, or what size my breasts are or was. I'm not mean, cruel or hateful. I'm smart, I love to laugh, from what people tell me, I'm fun to be with and I love to sing my praises to the Lord with all the passion in my heart. God has been so good to me despite this mess. He's saved me from so much, I just wish he'd take me out of this pain. I wish He'd give me the most incredible miracle and that would be to make my husband whole and take this cancer from his heart. I want the wonderful marriage we should have. Not what people think we have. From the outside, we seem very loving, and actually we are, but they don't know my secret pain and shame. They don't know how broken I am inside and how ashamed I feel when I find out what he's done each time. I don't want the kids to get hurt. I was married before to a real jerk and my husband has been so good to these kids. They adore him and he's there real dad in their eyes. I don't want them to ever know about this other side. I don't want them to loose faith in fathers and men in general because of this and I'm afraid that's what would happen. In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm so conflicted, so terribly, terribly wounded, hurt and confused. I guess I just need to talk to someone who has been through this massive change too. I've literally lost a whole person in size. I've gone from a 22x to an 8. I guess somewhere, I not only lost that extra person, but myself. Whoever reads this...will you do me a favor and remember me and my family in your prayers? I would really and truly appreciate it. No words can express how much. Thank you.

Polly, I am putting you and your family in my prayers. You are going through so much right now, have you talked with a counselor on your own? This is alot going on and your emotions and feelings need to be known, too! Maybe you could share this post with the counselor and let him/her read this, your feelings are worth being heard, I wish that I could help take away some of your pain, and I totally understand about keeping your kids safe from knowing all of this is happening, how old are your children? I hope that you can muster up enough strength and courage to share with a professional, your feelings and emotions, I know that isn;t always easy to do, but maybe they could help you decide if this is where you want/need to be, if this marriage can/will be worth saving, don't get me wrong, I want whatever will make you happy, you have come a long way on your wls journey, I just don't want you to go back and have this make bad changes for you on your journey, 22x-8 is amazing, you should be flying high right now, and not this miserable. I hope I have helped and not crossed any lines, don't mean to ramble on, I wish the best of luck and hope that some of this unwanted burden can be lifted off of your shoulders, you deserve better, and should be happy, if you need to talk some more, please email me, maybe we could exchange numbers! I will be praying for you. Good luck, Dawn in Indy!!!!

My first instinct is to say - YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIS SORRY BEHIND!!!!!!! Please know, and he's proving me right, as long as you take it he'll di**** out. It's one thing to forgive him once (I guess) but YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Of course he treats you like a queen, you are!! If you were anything else....you'd have killed him by now!!!!!!! I'm sorry, I can feel your pain and it really makes me mad! My first husband cheated and I knew I was better then that so I left. I'm sure you are wonderful; you proved that in what all you wrote. You are not the one with the sickness.....or is it sickness?? Is that just an excuse? I do think it is! He's a big boy and if he wanted to change - HE WOULD! Please get out! I know you're saying to your self...it's easy for me to say and maybe that's true but YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP TAKING HIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't mean to come across hateful, I'm trying to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel! Big Hugs, Ann

hi polly. i will add you to my prayer list. you seem like a great person who doesnt deserve this. i have a friend who is going through this same thing. shes staying for the kids. i say give him another chance maybe 2 after that if he is not making any improvement you have to get out and start the healing process for yourself. i wouldnt advertise on websites or date just yet. you want your heart to heal some first. you need time for yourself and your kids. when i said give him another chance i meant after teh 1st time. i see you have given him enough chance to straighten up. keep god in your life. with god all things are possible and he will heal your hurting heart. he will never leave your side or let you down. i believe that god wants us to be happy and he has special plans for all of us who love him. i feel so bad for you. i hate to admit this but i have been in a similar situation----the only thing is i was the bad one to my sweet loving husband. good for me i found god and our marriage is strong now. i think from what you wrote, your husband has a severe issue and until he finds god i dont think you could ever trust him. does he go to church with you? i would ask him to go to with you and to your marrige seminars if he doesnt go i would leave him. you cant stay to only keep getting hurt and be miserable. you will get past this thing. pray,pray ,pray! it will be tough but you can do it. before you know you will be in a new relationship and loving life. i would take the new relationsships very slow though and definately not now. email me anytyime you need to talk. misty

Dear Polly, I would like to offer something of my own experiences to you and hope it will help you. First, if you look at your post you will see that it totally talks about HIS problem. His sexual additition is not your fault and as you can now see, your size has nothing to do with it. Whether or not he is less or more active, he is a cheater. He openly is humiliating you by his actions and you do not deserve this. You are worth much more and deserve to be treated as you would like to be treated...not when he is in a good way or bad way. Sexual addition must be activly treated and he is putting you in and your health in danger. I know a woman, a large woman, who advertises on that site and screws any man that will meet with her....it is very sad. She things she will find love this way. She travels all over to meet men in the usa. What she does not tell them is that that she has herpes. She thinks she has it "under control" and knows when she will infect someone. I started at 386 pounds in March of this year when I had the surgery. Thus far I have lost 110 lbs. I too was married to a man, who worked in law enforcement, he too was addicted to sex and had all kinds of affairs. For years I thought if I cleaned the house better, cooked better, tolerated more and did more that he would change and just realize how much he really loved me. It hurt so bad, for so long. Here was this man, people looked up too, and I used to think "who would belive me", if I ever told anyone of some of (what I felt was sick stuff), the stuff he wanted me to do with him...and when I didnt he would get mad and not speak to me for days. Well, we divorced over 10 years ago. He emails me now and then, he is remairred. He would cheat on his current wife with ME as he did when I was married to him....so what does that tell you.....IT IS HIM AS IT IS WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I got myself better and am continuing to do so even now with the surgery this year...but he is the same....I am sorry my married went the way it did. But, I love my independence and feel like a million dollars. Men are plentiful....they will always be there...find your worth in yourself first...take care of yourself first, then all other good things will follow.... so FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Spend you energy on things you can contol, not things you can't! Hugs - Sue