Much Needed Support

Hey All, Since January 2006, I've been considering having some sort of weight loss surgery. At first, I only considered the lap-band because it appeared much less drastic, but now, I've started collecting the paperwork for the bypass. I've seen everyone from my PCP to a gastro doctor, and my final appointment with the nutritionist is August 30. From there, I'm expecting my surgery to occur in late September or early October 2006. I'm extremely excited about getting the surgery, but I am also terrified. I look forward to having a healthy, active life in all respects, but I am terrified about how my changes may affect my relationship. My girlfriend is also a full-figured woman, and much of our relationship has been built on supporting each other as full-figured women. So, as you can imagine, the idea of my losing weight is scaring her. She's afraid that if I lose weight, I won't need her or love her anymore. I tell her over and over again that I love her for who she is, but her inner critic just won't let her believe it. It's scaring her so much that she's distancing herself from me, and although I completely understand why she's behaving the way she is, I feel completely abandoned when I need support the most. I am having weightloss surgery to take care of myself -- FINALLY. I feel like I'm still attending to someone else when I really need to be attended to. Anyhow, because I can't get the support I need from my partner, I thought I'd reach out to someone here at OH. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences, and it would be good to talk to someone who can relate. So, here's my open call for penpals and support. I'd love to have someone the talk to through this journey! Please email me at [email protected]. Thanks! Ranessa

Hello Ranessa, I might be a good one to share my experience with you. I first had the lap band, which was a mess. The first one installed was faulty and after several months of no weight loss and struggling the Dr went in and put on a new one. The lap band is a touchy control device that must consantly be adjusted in order for it to serve its purpose. Also some foods just would no go down at all and I would get a pit in the middle of my cheast that hurt like hell. For about a year and a half struggled with this device and then just gave up. On March 3 of this year I had it removed and the gastric bypass done. At the time of my surgery I weighed 386 pounds, today I weigh about 279. Yes, I have lost over 100 lbs so far. I love it too. I can eat most kinds of foods, but the surgery changed my whole outlook on foods, and cravings I used to have that I don't now. I am sure I will get to my goal weight which is about 185 lbs. I feel like a new woman, and have energy and I can tell you that this operation has SAVED my life. I would have died without it at the rate I was going. I could not hardly walk, felt and looked sickly all the time. Could not travel or anything...it was just like being in prison. I don't know how old you are or where you are mentally in your life BUT, in order to take care of others you first must take care of yourself! Your health is the most important thing. Although your gf may have insecurities around this, they are hers, not yours, and don't take ownership of them. Don't let it hold you back on any decision you make to better yourself or your health. Who knows, if the relationship is meant to be then it will survive, but, you cannot let it enfluence decisions for your own health.....sooner or later, extra weight will hurt you and might even lead you to an early death, then what? So, my advice is to press forward....you are worth it!!!! Sue My email is [email protected]

Hi Ranessa, My name is Vicki. I am 48 years old and had gastric bypass surgery on 12-20-2005. Have lost a total of 95 pounds. I don't regret having the surgery at all. In fact, if I would have known of such a surgery years ago, I would have done it then. I will tell you though, it is an extremely different eating habit. Some days it is very hard. Some foods are hard to pass on, mine is sweets. But you can do it. I have gone from a size 30/32 down to a size 18/20. Am able to buy my clothes at Wal-Mart now, even my bras. Which is an accomplishment to me. I have always had to order them from Lane Bryant or Roaman's catalogs. At first, my husband was totally against it. Money wise, at least. Didn't know how much my insurance would cover, how I could handle not eating what and when I wanted, etc. But after I had the surgery, showed him I would not eat what I was not suppose to and then finally got my hospital bill, he is very glad I had it. He compliments me constantly. Your partner will eventually, I am sure. Just probably worried about you like mine was. But I want to tell you, you will get attention from other people too. My sister had the surgery in Oct. 2004, lost about 190 pounds and men started paying attention to her. She is married for 22 years, and 3 beautiful daughters. But all the attention she got, she had affairs on her husband. Now they are getting a divorce. So keep that in mind, you will turn eyes and heads when you lose all your weight. My husband is affraid I will do the same as my sister, but I have told him over and over, MEN DIDN'T WANT ME WHEN I WAS FAT, WHY WOULD I WANT THEM WHEN I AM SKINNY... And that is how I feel....Good luck and hope I didn't interfere with your dicision on the surgery. Write back if you want.

Hi Ranessa I am Jasmine And I am just as terrified as you I am still doing the base work. But just some words of encouragrement, you must have faith that everything will turn out okay. You must have faith that you surgeon is doing only what is best for you! Much luck!

Thank you sooo much for your insights. I am scared to death of this surgery, and hearing all of your positive outcomes and feedback is reassuring. I am afraid of this surgery for sooo many emotional and physical reasons. I'm afraid that physically I may get smaller than I really want to. I know it sounds strange, but I'm a full-figured woman who has grown to love her curves. I only want this surgery because these curves that I've learned to love are slowing me down, and I want to live a healthier, more active life. So, oddly enough, I'm afraid of losing too much weight. I'm also afraid of losing no weight at all. I guess I'm really afraid of failing at one of the most drastic weight loss solutions available. Will I let my emotional eating get the best of me? But, I agree that I can only have faith that my positive intentions will generate positive results. I have decided to get this surgery to live a more full, vibrant life and to take care of myself. Hopefully, my desire to live a full life will outweight any destructive, addictive behaviors I may have. Do any of you really struggle with the unhappiness of not being able to eat something you prefer? How much? I hear people say that don't regret getting the surgery at all. I wonder if they initially regretted having the surgery, but just came to love it. If any of you had that experience, how long did you have regrets? I'm also afraid of change. If I do lose a lot of weight, my life is definitely going to change. Who knows what the change will bring? I am so fearful that my girlfriend and our relationship won't survive this surgery. When she's not being selfish, possessive or controlling, we have a lot of fun. I love her positive qualities, but I'm afraid that my self esteem may change so much that I choose not to tolerate her crap anymore. She's afraid of that as well. I'm afraid that she'll doing every manipulative thing she can to stop me from getting this surgery. She has proven herself to be so selfish that I can't even trust her to have my best interest at heart. The good question is WHY WOULD I BE AFRAID OF LOSING A SITUATION LIKE THAT? Getting away from someone who's draining me or whom I can't trust is a positive outcome for me. Sounds crazy, but I'm just afraid of abandoning or hurting my girlfriend by ending this relationship, and I'm worried that positive self esteem changes may be the nail in the coffin. Also, I'm secretly afraid of being alone with myself. Dealing with someone else's problems keeps me from facing my own. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, but I don't want to be alone. But, hanging onto toxic or draining cir****tances won't make my own problems disappear. I'll just waste time and cop out on life by fixing someone else's problems when I could be busy taking the risks to fix my own. I gotta save my own life before I should even consider saving someone else's. If I'm not well, I can't help others be well. Right? So, even if getting the surgery may cause lots of change, I'm just having faith that the changes will be for my ultimate good. Ranessa

Ranessa, Why doesn't your partner also have the surgery? You stated that she is also full figured. Maybe that would be beneficial. One thing for sure is that you have to do what's right for you. Your health should be a top priority. You will need support, so I believe it's good that you joined OH. Will she be there after your surgery? You will need help for the first two weeks with little things. My Mother and my son were wonderful with helping me...Thank GOD. Well keep your head up. If you two love each other, that love should surpass all insecurities. You will love her thin, just as you did being thick. Lisa