Husband Troubles...

Yesterday was my 1 year Anniversary. I've lost 132 pounds and gone from a size 30/32 to a size 16/18. My husband has been very supportive of me, but he has never had a weight problem, so I feel he doesn't and can never understand what it feels like to have this battle. When I decided to have gastric bypass surgery, he was worried, but supportive. He has gone to all of my appointments with me. However, no matter how much success I achieve, it doesn't seem to shake the doubt and apprehension from his mind. I feel his intentions are good, he wants to help me, but instead if makes me feel horrible thinking he is so afraid I will fail. Yesterday, after my one-year checkup with my surgeon, my husband and I went to breakfast. We talked about the things we had just talked to the surgeon about to re-cap the appointment. I have lost 60% of my excess body weight within one year where as the average is 70%, leaving me running a little bit behind. My doctor said he is not worried though, he is happy with the 60% and BMI of 39. My husband and I were talking about different things and he made some comments about how I didn't tell my doctor that I sometimes eat ice cream or drink Coke, and that I told him I ate only 4 oz when I often eat more than that. His comments shocked me, but instead of crying I became defensive. I told him, I don't "drink" Coke, I take a sip of his or a sip of my friends, but I couldn't drink a whole soda if I wanted too. I do have some occasional ice cream, candy or sweets if I'm having the craving, but my pouch (and dumping syndrome) makes it nearly impossible to "over do". And I told the doctor I eat 4 - 6 oz because sometime I'm not hungry at all and fill up fast and other times I'm very hungry. I was offended that my husband would act as if I was keeping it secret from my doctor. So during the course of this conversation, he admitted to me that he hides his Cokes, candy and cookies in the garage so it won't tempt me. And then last night for, he came to sit next to me on the couch to watch TV. I noticed he had something in his hand so I asked him "what's that". He said "nothing", and then I could distinctly smell the smell of peanut M&M's coming from his mouth. Needless to say I wanted to burst into tears. I didn't even want a stinkin' M&M and so what if I did...I would have only been able to eat 3 or 4! So I said "what you're hiding them from me", then I just didn't really say anything for the rest of the night. I do have to say, he did do this to me before surgery too. If I asked if he wanted to go to pizza, he would say no (even though I knew he did). He would later admit to me that he would say no just because he didn't want to be a bad influence on me. So, why is he continuing to do this even after I've had this surgery and even after I've lost 132 pounds in 12 months??? The worst part is I have told him how it makes me feel. I've told him it hurts my feelings and that instead he need to encourage me, compliment and do things like that to keep me motivated. For some reason he seems to forget this... Does anyone out there have any ideas, suggestions, stories to share? We all know the world is full of people waiting for us to fail, but it hurts most when you feel the one closest to you is one of those people... Thank you...and sorry this is so long, but it does help to have typed it out...

Wow! Congrats on lossing 132 pounds! That is SO wonderful! However, about your hubby - I in some way, understand where your coming from. I'm not married but I get the same reaction from my parents or they hide food from me or bring up my past mistakes of over eating, even AFTER I've had the surgery. I know its REALLY hurtful but nothing I say seems to change them. I swear if it was up to my mom, she'd still have me eating freakin jello. Ugh. I wish I had something better to say for you but I don't.... Keep up the good work, you've done wonderful! Hugs, Katie

My hubby does the same thing!!! He means well, but dosen't realize that it hurts my feelings. It's fuuny that you said "peanut M&M's", cause the other night the SAME thing happened to me. My hubby comes and sits down and I go over tho kiss him and, "What are you eating?" "Nothing." "I smell it, you got peanut M&M's, don't you?" And then he picks up a bag full of them and laughs. Then last night my daughter comes in eating a donut and I'm like "Oh NO!" He laughed, harmless to him, but I said, "Do you realize how HARD it is for me not to eat this stuff?! What are you gonna do when I have my surgery?" (it's in 10 days and I have to keep off this 10 stinkin' pounds!!!) Anyway- he said he was sorry and I don't think he was trying to hurt my feelings or anything, I just think he doesn't fully understand exactly how hard it is. Your hubby obviously loves you or he wouldn't care. Just remember you're not alone. And afterall, he's a man! (Sorry guys, but you know it!) Christine

I know what you are going through. My husband thinks that I will leave him when I loose weight. That I will "smarten up" as he puts it and find someone else. This enrages me! I have been with my husband for 17 years, why he would say this? I don't know. I only feel that if he thinks like this, then maybe subconsiously he wants me to fail. I wonder if he will inadvertantly sabotage my efforts. I think he is the one the doctor should have sent for a psych evaluation (hahaha). The only advice I can give you is the one I follow myself.... Just ignore all the words and try to find the feelings behind them. Dont ask him what he thinks or WHY he does these things ask him straight out how he feels! Try to make him tell how he feels about your surgery and all the progress you have had. Don't let him avoid the subject. I am going to ask about my problem at the next support group meeting with my husband sitting right there and see what kind of response I get from everyone else. Maybe the people in the group can offer him some support about the true reason why I am doing this. If this works I will let you know. Till then maybe you can just use my advice. Thanks for letting me vent. Tina Chereek

Hello Ladies, I know all to well what you ladies are going through,my husband as well does the same thing.He knows how much this is important to me and it just seems like it is his amusement. Tina my husband as well says "Your just going to leave me when you have your surgery". He will say things like " I love you just the way you are" and "who cares what other people think".He just doesnt know how much this means to me and sometimes I dont think he really cares.Im just afraid he will try to sabotage everything it will take to have this surgery. Sometimes I feel more alone then anything.Most then less the last few years.Well not to babble on and bore you ladies. Just like to drop a friendly hello also.

I just became a member of OH and I came across your posting. I know its been a while since you posted but I thought I'd respond anyway... I noticed that many of the people *****sponded to you said that their husbands said something like "you're going to leave me after you have surgery". How sad it is that those men think the only reason their wives are with them is because they are overweight and if their wife was to lose weight she would leave him and find someone she "really" wants to be with. What poor self esteem those husbands must have. No wonder they try to sabotage their wives weight loss. Maybe if we reassure our husbands that we are not going to leave them after we lose weight they may be more supportive. Who knows, maybe I'm way off track. All I know is my husband said the very same words to me on more than one occasion and one day I finally sat him down and told him I married him because I love him and I will not leave him when I lose weight. If I was going to leave him it would be because he's being a jerk. Then I gave him a and he's come around. He's now a really supportive guy and interested and even helpful. I do know he has his stash of junk food but he is kind enough to hide it in his shop so I don't have to be tormented by it staring me in the face. So lets see if we can cut our husbands some slack. Its hard on them too. Becky Stark Lake Havasu, AZ

Hello Ladies! Boy I wish I could have found this message board 2 months ago. My surgury was in Janurary. At first my husband supported me, or I thought he did. As I read each reply I realize that you all had your husbands with you each step of the way. My husband never went to the doctor with me. He'd go but sit in the waiting room. My last visit before my surgury they had to forceably persuade him into the room with me. Now all I hear from his is you can't eat that. You can't................ He loves the Little Debbie snack cakes. So do I. He always buys them and brings them home. I always thought that after I lost weight maybe our sex life would get better. I know some me like the more cushion for the pushin women. But I was jist huge. He has always told me that I was going to leave him. Espically now that I look decent in a pair of blue jeans. Truthfully I just ingore him and take the barbs that he says and keep them to myself. I am glad I ran across this. thanks, linda

Hi Jilly! I'm new to this board,just had surgery Thursday. First of all congratulations on your weight loss! I think the most important thing here is your success and you and your husband need to focus on that. If he is so concerned about you having the odd sweet, he should keep it out of the house entirerly. If he needs a sugar fix he should have it at work. I also think you could suggest this to him and also suggest a splurge date that you can do together. A planned Ice cream ect. I think alot of men are a little insecure about their wives losing weight for fear that they will be left behind. I have been married for 23 years and my husband gave me such grief over the years that I became a closet eater and an emotional eater and my weight went up up up! I was ultimately responsible for my weight gain but for years I focused on his responsibility regarding my weight gain. We have both finally accepted responsibility in the roles we played and I am looking forward to a much happier future. I hope you find some help and ideas on this board so that you can continue on your journey feeling supported. Sue

I have not had my surgery yet but I think about this often. I am a very outgoing 282 lb female who loves her husband so very much. I make sure that I show him ALL the time... I do not do this for him but for me. I feel so good giving him affection. Usually guys are not as good at showing affection as woman... but it doesn't mean they love us any less. They usually show love by working hard providing for the family. I once felt that my husband was not showing me the love like I thought he should so I prayed that we would have more time to spend together. He was busy at work, church and had been taking an EMT course for work 2 nights a week at that time... I just was not feeling the warm fuzzies. Anyway, I prayed and prayed for more time with him. Well, guess what? We got more time together... he broke his leg going out to the garage on Christmas morning getting our daughter's bike from santa. I was busy making coffee for him and did not hear him hollering. He crawled from our garage all the way to our front door in 6 inches of snow. We spent 3 days in the hospital and 3 months he was off from work. Well, we got more time together and he was totally dependent upon my care for 3 weeks... sucked for him but was total heaven for me! Stay with me... I do have a point... Point I am making is if your hubby is anything like mine he probably thinks he is protecting you/helping you out. I am sure he is not doing anything purposely to hurt your feelings. I think his God-given man instincts are kicking in to protect his wife/family. He loves you honey! Be glad and savor it... not every girl can say that about their man! Show him how much you truly love him too!

I know that your feelings are hurt but think of his actions as his way of trying to be supportive of your desires to lose the weight. I'm new to this WLS experience, and I'm not married, so that may discount what I have to say in many peoples opinion. But to be honest with you, I wish that the people around me cared enough about me to help me to avoid certain kinds of foods. For one, I have three children who always have or ask for some kind of food or snack that is tempting. Two, I work with a boss who feels like having the BIGGEST candy dish in the entire world right in the front of my office is "good customer service". My co-workers talk about lunch all day, and then return to work with their lunch so the smells are OVERWHELMING. I wish people around me would CONSIDER me and how hard it must be to go through this process...but honestly they don't. I think they are sabators. Your husband is trying to help you. Sometimes guys just don't get it that their actions can be hurtful, even when their intentions are good. I say kiss the man and tell him you love him even though he's getting on your nerves. Monique