My mom doesn't understand

Me and my mother haven't had a good relationship...but she's my mom and she does love me and she has never been larger than a size 8!! Now that my surgery is getting closer (April 20th) I'm picking up on little hints she's dropping that I'm "taking the easy way out" and loosing weight this way instead of other things...which I've tried all kinds of things but of coarse it didn't work because "I didn't try hard enough!" No matter how I explain to my mom that this in NOT an easy way out she just doesn't get it!! All of my close friends are ready to go off on her from all the stress she is putting on me. How can I possibly get her to understand, at least a little bit.

Dear Amanda; The first words out of my mom's mouth were "Oh please don't!" when I told her about the surgery. This was because she was worried. Over the next few days she tried quoting every bad thing she'd heard about the surgery. Luckily for me, when she found out how set I was on having it, she stopped. Your mom's negativity most likely comes from a place of concern. Remember that most people who do NOT want this surgery have not researched it and have only heard the negatives about it. It's a very scary thing both for the person having the surgery and for those who love them. Try talking to her. Let her know that you need and want her support but if she can't give it to you that you don't need her negativity going in because that will only hurt you and your chances for success. I hope that it goes well for you, Cheryl

Hey Amanda, just what we need at this point, eh? NOT!! I can get discouraged pretty much on my own without having "help" I have a good relationship with my family, but have not shared my decision with anyone outside of my wife and 2 boys. I do not want nor require advice/suggestions from "armchair doctors" I try to be loving, but I also need to survive, so by not sharing my solution, the subject will not be up for discussion. That way, I can get through it with the minimum of emotional discomfort, having had enough of that through the years. I believe to be M.O. is to understand what it's like to be M. O. I understand that no one can even begin to understand what it feels like to "inhabit my particular skin" no one except the people on these message boards. So get your support from your peers, and tell the others, the ones that just have to give you that unsolicited advice and discouragement to "Talk To The Hand!" well that's my $.02. I've rambled long enough, have a nice day!! MikeMc

Amanda - my mom is very nervous about the surgery. When I told her that I was trying to get it approved by my Ins. company, I told her that living my whole life being overweight and now MO, I'd rather take the chances of surgery than continue my life as it is. I'm not suicidal or anything, but it is so frustrating going through the day. Things like a chair squeaking when I get up, squeezing through a turnstyle, and sitting on an airplane make me anxious. What if the chair breaks? What if my purse get's caught on the turnstyle while I'm squeezing through it sideways? What if the person next to me complains because they don't have enough room? I have shared all of the information I got from the Surgeon with my mother and while she is anxious she has committed to helping me and has asked if she can take care of me after the surgery! If your mom can't see you for the beautiful person you are inside instead of what size pants your wearing she probably dosen't deserve you in her life.

Hi there Amanda,,, my advice to you from experience was not to talk about the WLS as the time got closer. My brother was totally against it also saying it was the easy way out. My answer to him is..... please lets not talk about if it is NEGATIVE and he stopped . I also want you to know he was the first one to call me after the surgery.,....We are waiting for you AMANDA to come on over to the other side......... see you there LORRAINE to you with your decision and always go with your heart..... 12/15/03 245 lbs.... 4/24/04 165 lbs.... down -80 pds

just let her know that this your decison and not her and she just have to understand that. because she is a size 8 sometime dosen't understand what you are going through. She may say thing that may make you mad that something will go wrong with the surgery. The some sitution was with me when I had surgery two years ago. I had the same thing happen to me my mother was nerves thing something was going to happen with me like a leak or even death. good luck

Amanda, My mom was all for me having this surgery but now that I have an actual date, she's having second thoughts. I talked to her about it today at length and I think she understands that this a decision that I've chosen to make for "my" body. I'm not a mother but if I was, I would only want to support my kids in making decision they feel are best for them. If I were you, I wouldnt even bother discussing it with her. It's your life and there's no need in getting all stressed out over what someone else has to say. Believe me the rewards far outway all this pre-op stress. Good luck to you and take care.

Hello Amanda, I no exactly what your going thru except i have my mom,grandparents,& even a uncle who had the surgery 7 months ago against me. What really gets me is when skinny people who have never struggled with there weight tell me im taking the easy way out.I have just been letting what they say go in one ear & out the other im going thru with it for me and i no the end results will benefit me & i will be a much happier healty person. Good Luck

My husband had RNY on 11/22/05. Coming from the spouse's viewpoint, I was totally terrified of losing my husband; wondered what kind of "bizarre" life we were going to have when he had a smaller stomach than our toddler; wondered what we would do if something bad happened -- or worse (like something happening where he was in a vegetative state for the rest of his life). I was scared of the unknown and the risks that could happen. I was (am) also frightened because his mom had WLS 18 years ago and has gained it all back...and I had a cousin who got her stomach stapled and then got it undone. Neither followed the rules! I was mad because when I tried to get the family into a healthier lifestyle he fought me big-time; after his weight spiraled out of control he decided he wanted to take some "easy fix" when he could have listened to me in the first place. Now that everyone is mad from reading my pre-op thoughts....here is how they changed: I finally decided that to deal with my husband's decision I was going to have to change my viewpoint. I realized that everyone on earth has problems to deal with, and to recognize that one has a problem, and then follow through with trying to solve it, is a very wise and strong move. I also pictured being at a memorial service for my husband, and knew that if that ever happened I would say, "If he had just done SOMETHING -- even surgery!!" Enough said, huh. A lot of other problems were personal/couple issues that we need to work on. As far as following in his mom's footsteps, he chose to utilize this tool and because I love him I am going to do everything I can to help him succeed on this journey. I'd want the same respect if I were in his shoes. I don't want to see him get into that dark downward spiral of self-hatred EVER AGAIN. I want to see him be happy and proud of himself, to feel good, to have the energy to do things as a family, and to play with our daughter (and one day walk her down the aisle). Once I peeled the layers of my emotions off, I was just brokenhearted that he had lost faith in himself (actually, I don't think he has ever had that much to begin with). When people care about you, they think that you are amazing and you can do anything, and it's hard to see that the person you love so much feels so hopeless and worthless. I'm not trying to justify how family members act, but hopefully this explains how/why people undergoing surgery can get a lot of flack. Just understand that everyone is very concerned because we care SO MUCH -- if you are having this kind of reaction from your loved ones, please try and sit down with them to get to the heart of things. Don't be afraid to explain the way you feel about yourself, because it will help them to see your point of view. Be patient -- don't be surprised if it takes a while for things to sink in. Sorry for rambling!! p.s. Hubby had lost 45 lbs. at his 6-week post-op checkup, and I've lost 20# myself -- so yea for us!